Speech by Emerson Whicher

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Emerson Whicher
Speech Date: Sep2005
To start with I would like to read out a couple of messages from some of those who couldn't attend and those who weren't even invited.
Dear Mr &amp Mrs ….., congratulations to you both on wedding day. We are so sorry we could not be with you on such a special day, but we send over much love and a sloppy kiss from Angus. We wish you all the love &amp happiness for the future and look forward to being your neighbours soon. Lots of love, Sarah, Rob &amp Angus.
Dear Rachel, we've had Mark on trial here, we tried him in every position and he was useless. We hope you have more luck. Ahh, that's from the boys on the football team.
No pressure then! God I knew I should have rehearsed this.
God ettermiddag er damer &amp herrer, Mitt navn Emerson. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Emerson and as is traditional on these occasions, I'm here to welcome you all to this very special day, point out the fire exits and for those of you who don't already know Mark, give you a little bit of a background on why Rachel puts up with him the way she does.
Foolishly, Mark has given me the great honour of being best man on this very special day. Let me just say how grateful I was to have been chosen to speak at such a joyous occasion, the wedding of Mark and Rachel.
Unfortunately, those feelings have now completely disappeared and I now stand here before you … absolutely terrified. I would like to personally thank Imodium for all the help and support they have given me in the build up to this moment!
I will try and keep this as brief as possible because to be honest it is cutting into my drinking time. AND JUST REMEMBER THE MORE YOU LAUGH THE SOONER ITS OVER
Having never been a best man before, I had to spend several hours surfing the interweb to try and find out exactly what my duties would be. I also came across several pictures of Britney Spears, but I digress.
But then I thought the most reliable source of information would clearly come from the friends and family with whom he would share this special day.
So Mark, I wrote down a few words with which some of them used to describe you.
A great friend that was mine
Thoughtful, caring, trusting and charismatic all very kind words
Round and hairy I think that came from one of the tables at the back – thank you for that.
In fact one wise person observed that marriage was a serious undertaking and it should not be entered into lightly. However they commented that at 15 stone, they were pleased Mark had followed these words of wisdom to the letter.
In fact I barely found a person who had a bad word to say. Although, I did find some.
When I heard belligerent, lazy, stubborn and obstinate I thought hang on that's a bit rough maybe not entirely untrue but certainly a bit unnecessary for a best mans speech ………….but if his Mum doesn't know him then who does.
As part of my research I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to SING THE GROOM'S PRAISES and tell you all about his MANY good points. Well, anyone who knows me will tell you I CAN'T SING, and I WON'T LIE
Apparently though there are some things I am NOT supposed to mention … I know it's traditional at this stage for the best man to go on about the number of ex@girlfriends the groom has had, but quite honestly I don't want to go into that. I find such talk un@called for and offensive to the bride…………suffice to say though Mark, 3 did turn out to be your lucky number
Unfortunately none of Mark's ex girlfriends could come today but they do send their condolences to Rachel
And of course the stag night @ but fortunately, for all those who were there, the law of stag covers that.
I was presented with a problem whilst thinking of what stories to tell you about Mark as I was searching for one that didn't begin with &quotwe we're in the pub&quot, or … &quotwe'd been drinking all day&quot, or as you can imagine … it could have been a very short speech.
For those of you who knew Mark during his teen years you'll remember he was fond of odd shaped balls and by that I mean his passion for Rugby. I spoke to some of his old team mates for some of their memories and there was one common theme and that was of Mark getting hit in his wedding tackle every single time he played Rugby. As if this wasn't bad enough Dave Clark one of the coaches would always run on with the bucket &amp sponge, soak the sponge and plant it firmly on the affected area. He'd then have to play the rest of the match looking like the kid who'd wet himself.
Continuing Mark's sporting prowess he has also shown a complete lack of ability to ride a bike, taking the metaphor it's as easy as falling off a bike to new levels and Mark has numerous scars to prove this. For anyone who is interested there is a video of his escapades on a bike that can be seen later.
Mark was born in 1973 and in that year, Britain joined the EEC and more importantly for those who smoke the disposable lighter was invented.
And in the week he was born his fashion role model @ Val Doonican had a hit with Heaven is my woman's love.
But really Mark you are one lucky man! You married Rachel today.
She's a beautiful, smart, funny, loving, and caring young woman.
She really deserves a great husband and thank god you asked her to marry you before she found one.
I would just like to say a big &quotThank you&quot to the BRIDESMAIDS who have performed their duties outstandingly it can't have been easy dragging Rachel to the church … especially considering she knew what the outcome would be.
But seriously they have done a marvellous job in helping Rachel and look fantastic!!!! Indeed they are only eclipsed by Rachel herself, who, I'm sure you'll agree looks absolutely amazing today.
As for Mark, well what can I say, he tried his best.
I would like to also thank Mark for finally admitting after all this time that I have known him, that I am indeed the best man!
And lastly to all of you @ thanks for coming today. It's a long way to travel, so on behalf of Mark &amp Rachel, thanks a lot, it means a great deal.
The final and most important task, of best man is knowing when enough is enough and I think that that time has now arrived as I look down at my wife and see her with her head in her hands, wondering “what have I done”
It has been an honour and a privilege to be best man today. Thanks again for letting me have the job! And I honestly couldn't wish for a better friend to be best man for.
I think you will all agree that today, Mark truly is the best man and apart from Rachel being the most stunning person in the room, she is also the luckiest.
So to wrap up, I'd just like to say that marriage is not about finding someone you can live with, it's about finding someone you can't live without.
Ok that's me done, now it's time to get drunk, but first, the Toast.
La oss ulle ricer oss. O loefte vaare glass for Herr og Fru ..… SKAAL! Please all be upstanding and raise your glasses to Mr. &amp Mrs. ……!!!