Speech by Eoin Fitzpatrick

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Eoin Fitzpatrick
Speech Date: Jul2006
Best Man's Speech

After Starters is finished, beginning of speeches

Ladies and Gentleman, I would like to welcome you to this special celebration of Aine and Davids wedding and to announce the order of speeches.
The first speech will be delivered by the Father of the bride, followed by a speech from the father of the groom,
Then we will have a speech from the beautiful bride herself, followed by a speech from the groom
Finally we'll have my own speech as best man and after all that, if you are still awake, you can have dinner.

Could I now call on the father of the bride to say a few words
Thank you very much. Could I now call on the father of the goom to say a few words
Thank you Dad. Now could I call on the todays stunning bride Aine Fitzpatrick to say a few words.
And finally the person who put me up to this, today's groom David Fitzpatrick
Thank you David

Speech
I was a bit nervous about getting up here and speaking to you all, so earlier on I prepared a few lines.… I snorted them a few minutes ago so now I feel absolutely fine!

It was really happy to be asked to be best man but to be honest its kind of like been asked to make love to the queen. Everybody considers it a great privilege but nobody really wants to do it.

I knew as the best man, that I was going to be fairly busy this morning so last night, I decided to get to work on this speech. When I began preparing it I read a few others off the inter net and all they seemed to want to do was constantly pull the mickey out of the groom with the exact same non-stop filthy jokes over and over again. I decided I'd be different so I decided just to base mine on true interesting and funny events throughout Davids life. When I finally finished it and read back over I suddenly realised there was actually nothing funny or interesting about Davids life. So I've decided to resort back to pulling the micky out of the groom with the non-stop filthy jokes. Sorry David.

I will begin with a quote from a famous person I've looked up to most of my life and I'm sure the majority of men here do likewise. His name is Homer Simpson and when he was speaking at a wedding he began with the following: “Oxford Dictionary classifies wedding as the process of removing weeds from ones garden”

I would also like to remind you, that the more you laugh at my jokes the faster I'll deliver my speech.

David was born on March 14 1978. The only famous person I could find who shares his birthday was Albert Einstein and I laughed at there being any chance of them having anything in common. But I finally came up with some very interesting similarities:
.Albert Einstein went the first 3 years of his life before speaking, David lasted 4.
.Albert Einstein had an IQ of 180 – the exact same amount of points David got in his leaving cert.
.Albert Einsteins nuclear theoery brought world war II to an end– We all just hope that as a captain David can have a less tragic approach
.And finally,- this took me a while -when you rearrange every letter in Albert Einstein you get something, which David is going to be for the rest of his entire life “Aines litter bin”. Feel free to check that later.

Ah no but there is genuinely nothing I wouldn't do for David, and I know equally there is nothing he wouldn't do for me. In fact we spend our whole lives doing nothing for each other.
David was always considered the goody two shoes in the family who never came home drunk, or so the parents thought. The only reason was that he had the downstairs bedroom and could fall into it quietly no problem when he came home langered. I had to climb up the stairs beside my parents bedroom and worst, remember whether it was the 9th or 10th step that let off the big creak so I always got caught, especially when I tried playing it safe and attempted to jump both the 9th and 10th step in one go, often ending in disaster.
But one of the worst things David managed to get away with was serving a 2 year jail sentence in Portlaoise Prison, and managing to convince everyone he was actually working there and not jailed there.
Another was that on the night he met Aine, when getting out of the taxi he gave her E20 and gave his phone number to the taxi driver, who happily accepted it.

Anyway there's not a lot else to say about David. I really wish he was more interesting.
David is the oldest of 4 in the family and seems way up there on top as an army captain. My little brother Darragh just finished his junior cert and already wants to join the FCA to follow in Davids footsteps. My sister Joanne is kind of like Chandler in friends, we all know she has a great job but nobody really has a clue what she does and I myself am looking for a company who fully deserves my skills yes, I'm on the dole. But David, a captain in the army who's day to day job from what I know is simply shouting and roaring at new recruits for not tying their shoelaces. So it seems that he may feel fully in command at work but Aine, I want you to give the orders at home. Here are a few examples:
.Have David standing to attention whenever you call.
.Have him present arms when dishes need doing,
.Have him quick march to the shop when you need milk
.And only allow him to withdraw weapon and be at ease once you are fully satisfied, both in and out of the bedroom.

So before I give my best wishes I'll read out a few cards which David and Aine were delighted to receive

1 Dear David, Why have you not returned my phone calls? …………..…
That one is signed John the taxi driver.

2….other cards

Could I finally ask you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Aine and David.
May the best day of the past be the worst day of your future
May good fortune precede you, may love walk with you and may good friends follow you
May you be friends to each other as only lovers can, and may you love each other as only best friends can.
May you grow old together on one pillow, and may all of your ups and downs be confined to the bedroom.

So David and Aine – Enjoy the moment.. for as this moment is, may your life be. filled with happiness, love, excitement and one day be blessed with the pitter patter of little feet.
To David and Aine