Speech by Fahid

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Fahid
Speech Date:
Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen

Firstly, I would like to thank Immodium, Renee Rapeze and my hairdresser for getting me through this ordeal, sorry honour.

Secondly, the father of the bride for his deep pockets and fantastic Gazza impression. Were those tears of joy Gary, or was it just the shock of an Evertonian officially joining the Kent ranks?

Thirdly, a merry Nicola Kent for divulging Steve's most intimate secrets. I never knew pampers made nappies that large mate!

Next, the bridesmaids, for not only managing to look stunning, but also for restraining the bride-to-be when she attempted to escape through the window, in the ladies toilets.

And last, but by no means least, the big daddy himself, Stephen ‘Snakehips’ Sheery for asking me to be his best man.

So before I launch into my list of the 100 greatest scouse jokes of all time, I feel it is my responsibility to perform a couple of housekeeping duties. Namely to offer you directions to the nearest fire exit, toilet, cash machine and Thai massage parlour if you want good time.

I should also like to take this opportunity to explain the seating arrangements. Most of you will have probably sussed it already, but for those of you who are still in the dark, I'll let you into a secret. Your distance from the top table is determined by the generosity of your gift. So to Derek and Kerry at the back, thank you for the can opener, the free bar is now closed.

Now no doubt many of you are wondering where a suave, well groomed young man like myself first crossed paths with the mild mannered scouser beside me? For those of you who guessed Accident and Emergency you'd be wrong. In actual fact, it was outside a rather notorious drinking establishment in Manchester. Steve had come to collect Nic, his then fiancé, after a works night out. Anyway to cut a long story short, Steve ended up waiting outside for nearly 50 minutes while Nic made the most of the cocktail happy hour. As many of you will be able to testify, this is a ritual that continues to this day.

So Nicola and Steve have finally tied the knot and may I say it's about bloody time. I was beginning to fear that Jamie would have celebrated his 21st before his parents said I do. It's been seven long years since their eyes first met across an abandoned photocopier, in a Liverpool office. According to ex colleagues Steve spent months trying to get into Nic's spreadsheets. Groans please!!! But it just goes to prove that the old Del boy adage is true: he who dares wins.

As you might imagine there were a number of trials and tribulations prior to the big day. I phoned the groom's house a few days before the stag do, to be met with the voice of an anxious Nic screaming “he's picked up a nasty rash”. Luckily the ointment worked and Jamie's chicken pox has disappeared.

Talking of childhood afflictions, I wonder how many of you know that Stephen's nickname at school was Dogming. I won't dwell on the reasons why for too long, but be rest assured that his personal hygiene has improved dramatically these days. And he no longer rubs himself up against lamp posts – well with the notable exception of the stag night that is.

But let's forget about the past and look forward to the future. Those days of wearing your mother's underwear, attending star trek conventions and daydreaming about becoming a mullet haired spandex clad rocker are behind you Stephen. Remember puberty was cruel and that spandex chaffed.

As for the future, always remember what a man does in the privacy of his own shed is his business. So crack open the baby oil, put on some Kenny G, and unearth your favourite pink, feather boa my friend.

Sorry I got a bit distracted there. Anyway back to the best man's speech. As anyone within a 10 mile radius of a dance floor will vouch, Stephen Sherry is no Lionel Blair. His break dancing has to be seen to be believed. So it was to my great surprise that I saw the normally bashful groom perform as James Brown at the Edinburgh festival. I kid you not Ladies and gentlemen. Stephen Sherry and his pelvis were moonlighting as the godfather of soul himself. So I'm sorry mate the secret's out but lucky Nicola your betrothed to Stretford's very on sex machine!

Now that I've humiliated the groom sufficiently, I feel I should offer him some advice on married life. However, being a bachelor myself, I felt it best to seek the counsel of a happily married man. Cue Mr Gary Kent, whose inspirational words were: “If he hurts my princess I'll break his beeping legs”. Well with advice like that who needs divorce, and I'm sure Steve will heed his father-in-laws words of wisdom. Anyway, I'm confident that baseball bat will remain in the boot of your car Gary as I foresee a very long and happy union for Nicola and Steve.

So Nicola, I'm afraid it's too late. You've married a man with an obsession for bullseye, a love of dodgy cock rock, and a person who credits Jeremy Clarkson as his style guru. Mind you he will have to endure your shocking CD collection. For those of you who have been spared this torture, Nic's CD collection reads like the contents page of a Smash Hits magazine. She alone is responsible for Busted's dominance of the chart.

However, Nicola you must also be congratulated. You have saved Steve from his unhealthy love of technology. Without you, he may have been condemned to a life of geekdom, or worse still, an online love affair with a hairy, female wrestler from Wisconsin. Amazingly, you have even managed to surpass jack Daniels in his affections.

Anyway I think I've said enough, but before I order my tenth Pina Colada, I'd just like to say thank you to a few people. Firstly, the couple's respective parents – without them Nicola and Steve wouldn't be here, literally.
Secondly, the bridesmaids for getting Nic to the church on time and the ushers for getting the guests into their seats. Thirdly, all the staff here at the Wirral rugby club you've been superb, and catered for my every need. And finally, you the audience. It's been emotional.

Now all that's left to do is toast the happy couple, and just before I do that perhaps the wee man would like to say a few words. Now Jamie, have you got your Ribena ready? So before there is a stampede to the bar, may I ask you all to raise your glasses to the Bride and Groom..… The Bride and Groom.