Speech by Fergus MacDougall

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Fergus MacDougall
Speech Date: Jul 2001
Intro

Ladies and Gentlemen: I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat………if I go on too long Suzy has threatened to cut it.

Thank the Groom

Firstly, on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Phil for his kind words. I have to agree with him they look absolutely gorgeous, and have done an excellent job today.

Intro to how I became best man

Phil asked me to be his best man over a year ago and I can't tell you how much I've looked forward to it. (Smile)
It hasn't been an easy task, however I think that my duties to get Phil here:

ON TIME, which is a first

SOBER, which is unusual

AND SMART, which is unheard of!

Have been successful.

When He asked me to be his Best Man he did so with a big smile on his face, Knowing full well that the thought of standing up in front of you all today, would fill me with horror! –
“Well lets just hope he's still smiling when I've finished”.
How Suzy and Phil met
For those of you how haven't heard the story, Phil and Suzy met in Spain, their eyes met across a Smokey bar and I don't know how much they both had to drink that night, but it doesn't seem to have worn off yet!!
Phil must have been using his charm that night because he met this lovely girl, and I think you will all agree with me, Suzy looks gorgeous.
I've known her now for about 5 years now, and I have been surprised to see the changes she's made on Phil. And as you all know it couldn't have been an easy task, “Suzy probably deserves an O.B.E, well after all Phil's dad did.”

How I met Phil
Phil and I met at school many years ago; and in those days he shone as a personality, rather than an academic achiever. I know he won't mind me saying that because he never tried to hide his limitations.
In fact it was a joke to him;
“And it was a joke to the teachers as well”

School – Report
One of our greatest fears was when our school reports were due; understandably this caused us great worry. I do remember one of these reports standing out from the rest, so much so that Phil censored the post daily trying to stop this report from reaching his parents. Well Phil being Phil was successful. “That is until now”.
But I couldn't possibly read it out now!!
“Besides Phil's parents haven't seen it yet”, and as you can understand for years they have been wondering,

“What went wrong”?

Leaving school
We all new that when the time came for us pupils to venture into the working world Phil's qualities would carry him through. “And how right we were proved”!
It all started at Sandal and Perkins, when Phil decided to have a go at driving the forklift, this turned into a disaster when he lost control of it and careered straight through the wall of the shop! I heard this from a reliable eyewitness, who said that when the dust cleared there was Phil half in the shop with debris falling all around him, and on his face, was a look of terror.
But of course he had to start somewhere before he got a foot on the right ladder. And one of those jobs was window cleaning with me.
“And what an excellent job of it he did do”
When he cleaned windows the ladies praised him for getting in the corners. As he explained to me, it was all down to the training he received at school. In the juniors the teachers were always saying to him.
“Davison get in the corner”.
Phil and I have also ventured into many Taverns over the past 20 years and sunk many pints,
I wouldn't say we drunk to excess, we drank too anything!
Marriage
But it wasn't till his late twenty's that marriage crept into Phil's head. One day he sat staring into space and said I think it's about time I settled down. After picking myself off the floor I said “really”.
Yes he said but she must be perfect! “Someone who will look after me and treat me like a king.” He said it would be nice if he could get someone who would cook for me while I sat in front of the TV. And someone who doesn't mind ironing,
“Because I'll always need clean shirts”. Owe and someone who doesn't mind getting stuck into the house work,” No matter how messy I make it”

“How can I find her he said”?

“Well Ladies and Gentlemen we are here today to celebrate in Phil's success”

And Phil if Suzy doesn't treat you, as she should,
“Be thankful”

Some people might think Phil takes things a little easy! It's not that he's lazy’ I wont have that.
“However I wouldn't be surprised if he asks Suzy to carry him over the threshold”.
Advice
Being a good friend of Phil's I feel I should offer him some wise words on his Wedding Night!!
(ha,ha,ha)
OK I did have a few problems coming up with some advice so I referred back to Phil's report and found a bit from his Biology Teacher.
Well possibly this might help as you go into married life and consummate your wedding vows this evening Phil, “So according to this,
“You will need to put much more effort into your work if you are to achieve a satisfactory standard”.

Joking aside! Growing up with Phil has been great fun. And we have shared many laughs together; normally at my expense I might add. Which is why I must thank him for giving me this chance to repay him today. We have always been very close friends and shared many things, but “I've always been able to rely on him for a couple of things.
One thing is, he loves a good party, so you're all under orders from them to have a good time this evening.
And the second is,
“He doesn't normally like paying for it”.

Toast
So ladies and gentlemen while he is please raise your glasses, to a couple who I'm glad to have as my friends and who have given me hope that there is such a thing as true love. Ladies & Gentlemen
“Phil & Suzy”

And finally as Phil once said to the woman he lost his virginity to, thank you for laughing.