Speech by Fiona Bainbridge

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Fiona Bainbridge
Speech Date: oct 2002
Ladies and Gentlemen
Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids and the pageboys, I'd like to thank Sxxxx for his kind words, and I have to say they look absolutely wonderful and have done an excellent job today. Also, I think everyone will agree that the bride looked absolutely stunning !
The groom looked absolutely stunned !
FORNICATION….Sorry …FOR AN OCCASION such as this I was terrified about making a speech….that was until I found out about the sort of things that I was supposed to say as the best man. I learnt that, up there with the important duties of remembering the wedding ring and keeping the groom upright on his stag night, were to get Sxxxx here.
ON TIME, which is a first,
SOBER, which is unusual,

AND SMART, which is unheard of.
Also I get to spend a few minutes at the reception demolishing Sxxxx's character.
Not one to shun my duties ….here goes……
Sxxxx was born on 1st August 1969, the same year Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, and Concorde took to the skies. He shares his birthday with Herman Melville, author of Moby Dick. The Rolling Stones were No.1 with Honky Tonk Woman.
We have known each other for 12 years now, and have been through a lot of experiences together, from the stupid to the surreal. Fortunately, for Sxxxx, I cannot divulge this information as I will be defaming my good name as well. Whilst on the subject of names, Sxxxx's nickname is Denzil, I could explain but I think Sxxxx will be happier telling the tale on a more informal basis. And no Pxxxxxx(grooms mother), it's not because he's a wagon driver like the Denzil out of Only Fools & Horses.
I suppose his passion for transport began at an early age, from his first steps in his baby walker to his first pedal bike. These early years were problem free. The trouble began when he got his driving licence.
2 WHEELS
His first scooter, he crashed.
His first 50cc bike, he crashed – into a lollipop lady at a school crossing breaking her arm. His rider less bike carried on travelling, mounted the pavement and knocked over a schoolboy. I can imagine the conversation in that ambulance.
4 WHEELS
Not one to push his luck, he thought he would move on to cars. One particular night he borrowed his Dad's Ford Orion, 2 weeks old. It was found later that night, over the border a total write off. Allegedly, it had been stolen from the pub car park. You can draw your own conclusions!
Not being allowed to borrow Dads car any more he bought his own, crashing at least 3 of these into double decker buses, once with me as a passenger. His latest car, or should that be bus magnet, is a Citroen Saxo. It does 52MPG I think. Anyway, I'm sure he'll remind me again later.
Getting the hang of crashing things he thought he would try something a bit bigger. 38T H.G.Vs.
18 WHEELS
After boring us all silly for a few weeks with his double dipping clutch gear splitting exploits,(that's wagon driver terminology for changing gear) it didn't take long for him to start causing damage, and to get a mention on national radio after crashing his wagon into the back of another wagon. This particular accident had him trapped by his legs while the firemen cut him out, unharmed but embarrassed. I reckon that to date he has caused about £50,000 of damage. The list goes on, but we have'nt got time.
As some of you know, he is also very keen on astronomy. He had an un-healthy interest in the eclipse of a couple of years ago, trying to persuade a group of us to go to Cornwall to experience it first hand. A once in a lifetime chance he said. Also, he has spent many years perfecting his Patrick Moore impersonation. Some of you will have seen it. Strangely, he only does this after too many lagers, so later.
But I'll save Sxxxx from any more embarrassment.

Being married myself I did have some advice for Sxxxx(and I must apologize to Nxxxxx for this, you have to understand Nicola it was just bloke talk). I did actually suggest to Sxxxx that if he has any doubts about getting married that he should buy a dog instead and pointed out the numerous advantages, such as dogs don't shop, dogs like it when you come in drunk and start stroking them, and best of all you can call a dog by your last dogs name and they don't mind. I'm glad to say that he didn't listen to me and thankfully he chose to go ahead with the wedding.
But remember Nxxxxx, Men are like fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with. On the other hand Sxxxx, women are also like a fine wine. They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.
They say "love is blind" but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
I now have a few cards to read from absent friends and relatives:
To Sxxxx and Nxxxxx
Best wishes from Bill and Mary Farkin…and the whole Farkin family.
To Nxxxxx. From the lads off ‘A’ shift at the CATS terminal. What a fine Pair…you make
From Joe & Michael, your friends from Tenerife. Sorry we could'nt be there today, Please could you send us a picture of the bride & groom- mounted.
I'll have to end it here because of my throat………if I go on too long Nxxxxx has threatened to cut it.
So finally, on behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank you all for sharing their day. particularly those of you who have travelled long distances. I started planning this speech a month ago, and you must feel like I have been delivering it equally as long; so now it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Sxxxx and Nxxxxx, Mr & Mrs Dxxxx no less.