Speech by Fraser MacIntosh

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Fraser MacIntosh
Speech Date: Nov2004
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. I'd like to begin, by congratulating Alex, Stephanie, Briony, Natalie and Blythe.
I don't think you could find five more wonderful looking bridesmaids, and I'm sure you'll agree, they have all carried out their duties superbly!

You will be pleased to learn that I'm only going to speak for a few of minutes because of my throat … …
If I go on too long, Lesley's threatened to cut it … …

A quick word about our Bride. Lesley is an Edinburgh lass. Edinburgh of course is Scotland's capital city. Famous for it's beautiful women and it's rugby teams. (Turn to Lesley) What position was it you played?

Now during speeches of this type, 50% of what you will hear is the truth & 50% is pure unadulterated rubbish … … so this evening it is my intention to reverse those statistics.

Now we want everyone to feel welcome so are there any English with us today? … … good … … welcome to civilisation.

I have actually had to speak at 3 functions already this week. On Monday it was the West Lothian Ex-offenders and Electronic-tagging club, Wednesday was the Broxburn Transvestite and Cross-dressing society and yesterday at the Livingston branch of Alcoholics Anonymous. So for those of you that have heard me already this week, please accept my apologies.

Firstly a couple of apologies. Great uncle Hector was hoping to attend, but as he was coming out today he fell down the stairs, landed on the Hoover and it jammed fairly & squarely right up his ‘glutimus maximus’. However I have phoned the hospital and they assure me he's picking up nicely!

Berti Vogts was invited too, but he couldn't manage … …

Paula Radcliffe couldn't make it … …

But on a sad note … …
Tony, the local ice-cream man, was due to attend today, but he was discovered dead this morning. He was found covered in raspberry sauce and hundreds and thousands. Police believe he topped himself!

Anyway I digress … …

Now, what can one say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where none can say a bad word against him? Well, that's enough about me.
I'm here to talk about Alvis.

When the bold Alvis asked me if I believed in free speech … … I said of course I do … … “good!” he replied “your right in my price range”.

I asked Alvis what he wanted to get from this marriage. He said, "Well, I want to be a model husband, and a model lover!" So, being the inquisitive sort, I looked up "model" in the dictionary. It said "A miniature replica of the real thing!"

Alvis was born on the 4th July, 1963. He wasn't the prettiest baby. In fact his mother didn't get morning sickness until after he was born.

He was nearly called Friday because when his parents saw him they thought they had better call it a day.

Unfortunately I didn't know Alvis during his formative years.

I'm reliably informed that he wasn't like the rest of the 4 year olds at nursery … … he was 9 at the time!

He was an ideal pupil, who excelled in most subjects … … Sorry that should read:
“He was an idle pupil, who was expelled from most subjects”!!!!!!

No seriously, Alvis was an exceptionally gifted student at school.
On one particular day, the teacher asked little Alvis if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My Dad taught me."
"Good. What comes after three?"
"Four," answers little Alvis.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven." "Very good", says the teacher. "Your dad did a really good job.
What comes after ten?"
"The Jack"

Within the Multi-national world of mobile car cleaners, Alvis is known as ‘The Rhino’ … … because he is thick-skinned & charges a lot.

They tell me he does the work of two men … … Laurel and Hardy!

He has the physique of a Greek statue … … but with fewer moves … …

I had to speak to Alvis urgently last week. So I phoned him & said, “get up here & fast” … … so he duly arrived and didn't eat for 3 days.

I went round to his father's house the other day, and to my astonishment Alvis (Jr) answered the door with a large Monte-cristo cigar in one hand and a huge vintage brandy in the other. I said, “Is your Dad in?”
He replied “What do you bloody think?”

A particular type of woman says to Alvis “I'll do anything you want for £30 if you can name it in 3 words” … … quick as a flash Alvis says, “Paint ma hoose”

When Alvis first took up Salsa, he wanted to get himself as fit as possible. So he hired a personal trainer and asked "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" Alvis replied, "I canny make Mondays or Thursdays".

Right … … My friendship with Alvis has grown out of our membership of Boghall and Bathgate Caledonia Pipe Band.

One of my early memories of Alvis was on a band trip. Our plane passed through a severe storm.
The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman sitting in the front of the plane loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.
"If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a Woman?"
For a moment there is absolute silence.
Then, Alvis stands up at the rear of the plane. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt – one button at a time … … He removes his shirt.
"Here ya go luv – iron this then get me a beer!"

On another trip, we were on a Paris to Prestwick flight. A man of Arabic appearance got off the plane and Alvis noticed that he had left his bag behind. He grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the terminal and handed him back his bag. He was extremely grateful and reached into his
bag, which appeared to contain large bundles of money. He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to … … a word of advice: Stay away from Bathgate".
Alvis was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be a terrorist attack?" he asked him. "No … … ”, he whispered back “ … … It's a shithole."

He was sent down to London to play at a function. On returning, I asked how he got on. “The function was fine.” he replied. “But those Londoners are a strange sort. They were outside my hotel room shouting and banging on my door until 3 o'clock in the morning”. “What did you do?”, I asked. “Och, I just ignored them and kept on playing my pipes.”

He was asked the other day what he kept underneath his kilt. In typically modest fashion he replied … … underneath ma kilt av got a perch that would hold 36 budgies … … what he didn't add was that they were all on each others shoulders … … and the one at the bottom had only one leg!

We were in North Wales once – Anglesey, to be exact. Approaching
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch,
(Clanfair-pool-gowin-jill-gogery-cherwin-drob-wichlanty-silio-gogogoch),
We started arguing about the pronunciation of that particular town's name.
We were arguing back and forth until we eventually decided to stop for lunch. We stood at the counter and Alvis asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you pronounce where we are … … very slowly?"
The lassie leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrr, Gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiing."

Alvis and I played in the band at the re-opening of the Scottish Parliament.
This was when Alvis was introduced to the Queen, when he turns round and says: "As we now have devolution, I think we should become a Kingdom and that I should be King"
The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Kerr, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge – and you're really not a King."
Alvis thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"
To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince – and you're really not a Prince ".
Alvis thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies " Look Kerr, to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge – and you are not an Emperor."
Before Alvis could utter another word, The Queen said, "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".
Alvis, we have had some excellent times together and I know that we will continue to do so in the future. You are a great friend, and it is a true honour to have been your best man today.

On that note, Ladies and Gentlemen, it now gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Alvis and Lesley.

May the best you've ever seen, be the worst you'll ever see,
May a moose ne'er leave yer girnal, wi a tear-drap in its e'e,
May ye aye keep hale an hearty ‘till ye're auld enough to dee,
May ye aye be just as happy, as i wish ye aye tae be!

We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

The new Mr and Mrs Kerr … … The bride & groom!