Speech by G Doherty

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: G Doherty
Speech Date: sep2002
On behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Darren for his kind words.
And I might just add that his thanks are fully justified, because they have
done an incredible job and look fantastic. In fact only eclipsed by
Alexandria herself.

My name is Ryan Wouldyoulikeaglassofredwine. Please feel free to say hello
and call me by my full name later on. It is my honour to be Best Man today
and before we get on with some serious drinking it's my duty to say a few
words. Speaking of drinking has anyone had a look at the wine list. No
Buckfast?! I am absolutely disgusted. I mean how's a man meant to wreck
this place tonight.

Firstly, it's a bit embarrassing but I overheard someone earlier saying,
"he's been a hero of mine for a long time". Some of the women have been
commenting on the good looks and charm. But I suppose that is why they call
me the best man.

When Darren asked me to be his best man, he told me all the stories not to
mention.. The words bull, rag and red immediately sprang to mind as well as
the opportunity to exact revenge for years of physical and emotional
torment at his hands. But don't worry Darren, I won't mention your local
drinking spot The Toilet Inn, the yellows and blues, the cross-carrying
incident, or the manslaughter of your old dog. Otherwise you might not let
me be best man at your next wedding.

Darren likes to think that his glorified existence to date and his life
story would form the basis of a sought after biography, perhaps with a
weekly serialisation in The Times or a short television dramatisation even.
So before I move on to the juicy stories which are part of any decent best
man's tribute, I'd like to give you a history of Darren's life. Darren was
born, went to school, got a job and got married – right onto those stories.

During his school years Darren was an ideal pupil who excelled in most
subjects. Oh, sorry I've just misread that bit, it should say; He was an
idle pupil who was expelled from most subjects!

Well that got me thinking why not look through some cupboards and see if I
can find any evidence of this.

In first year his school report comments ranged from:

Physics – ‘Darren is a keen, hard working student – good result. Very
pleasant in class’.

To:

French – ‘Darren is lazy. He is careless in written French and inclined to
be disruptive in class’.

Darren seemed a little too diligent in Biology however, when he stayed up
all night revising for his urine test.

Our mother tried her best to get him to study and one evening it looked
like he had finally taken heed of her advice. After a few hours in his
room, she went up to tell him to come down and take a break before he got a
sore head. He seemed to be asleep so she put a blanket around him and took
the books from his lap. And much to her horror GCSE Physics seemed to be
have a free glossy pullout magazine called Escort inside. Darren still
doesn't know how it got there.

The only time Darren truly enjoyed school was when he working as an
electrician in St Mary's in Magherafelt, and it was here that with his bag
of sweets he caught the attention of a certain spotty, young Rowan. He
finally got to kiss her a few weeks later in Cookstown when he was meant to
be meeting up with one of her mates. Everything was going swimmingly until
he stripped off one day at Antrim Loch to reveal a blue G-string. After
promising never to wear it again, Alexandria took him back. Ever since then
he hasn't worn any underwear. Seven years and forty thousand arguments
later, here we are today.

Here are some cards and telegrams I've been asked to read out:

Other cards

Jimmy "All the best for the future. I'll be looking forward to hearing the
patter of little feet.’

No chance of that Jimmy – he's firing more blanks than the A-team.

"To Darren, we could have been so good together, love Britney Spears"

"To Alexandria, we could have been so good together, love Martina
Navratilova" I'd like to thank both sets of parents – Mum & Dad and
Margaret & Arthur for doing so much to make this day the success it is. Not
only for providing the two main participants, but also for laying on this
superb wedding. Thank-you. I'd like also to thank Darren for asking me to
be his best man today. It's been an honour and a privilege. I'm proud to be
your best man and proud to be your brother and I'd just like to finish off
by wishing you and your new wife every happiness for the future. So Ladies
and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to ask you to stand and raise
your glasses to Darren and Alexandria, the new Mr & Mrs Doherty. We wish
them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.