Speech by Gaffer

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Gaffer
Speech Date: Jul 2004
Introduction

I would like to thank the groom for his considerate words. You know, I had a feeling it was going to be difficult to follow a speech by Steve, and I was right… I couldn't follow a single word!

Anyway, good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I'm the best man Gaffer and it is my honour to share a few moments with you all today.

Thanks

It falls to me to respond on behalf of the bridesmaids, Emma and Charlotte, and I'm honoured to have the opportunity to do so. They did an incredible job and don't they look fabulous?

Before I talk a little about Steve, and begin to make him sweat, I'd like to thank him for asking me to be his best man. I'd like to thank the ushers, Rob and Phil, staff and everyone who has helped today, and I'd like to say a big thank you to Sharon and Steve's parents for inviting everyone to share in their big day. I think a round of applause is definitely in order!

The Groom

Those of you who have made a wedding speech will probably appreciate how nerve wracking it can be, and that you soon needed lots of advice. The best advice I received was that my speech should only last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen, thank you and good afternoon! (Sit down for a few seconds!)

What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings, and after sheer determination, will power and hard work, is now a successful professional? Well, that's enough about me. I'm here to talk about Steve!

I first knew Steve in comprehensive school and we became very good friends by the time we left. Those of you, who know Steve, will know that he's a man of many professions and talents. Just within the last couple of years, he's worked within engineering, recruitment consultancy, transport, property, retail, and last but not least, door security!

I've always wondered if Steve will be the next Richard Branson or Bill Gates. Throughout the years, I've always wondered if ‘this time next year, he'll be a millionaire’ and I'm sure you'll all agree Steve became a millionaire today when he married Sharon. Doesn't she look absolutely stunning?

Yes, Steve's greatest achievement has to be marrying Sharon today. Steve, you're lucky that you've married someone who's beautiful, loving and caring and she deserves a good husband. So it's a good job you married her before she found one!

Amusing Stories

It is traditional for the best man include a few amusing stories at the groom's expense during his speech. Unfortunately, I have strict orders not to say anything that would embarrass Steve on his big day.

So, I'm NOT going to tell you about the time a young Steve was an alter boy at his cousin's wedding, turned pale and fainted! I'm relieved you didn't do that again today Steve!

Nor am I going to tell you about the time he had a ‘disagreement’ with a LOT of people on holiday many years ago. He quickly did a runner whilst his mates defended his honour and lost some of their teeth in the process!

However, strict orders or not, I do lose my inhibitions when drunk, so I'm sure I'd disclose more secrets if plied with enough alcohol later!

It really is a privilege to be best man to someone who is generous, caring, fun loving and an all round great guy. Unfortunately, Steve has also been described as arrogant, insensitive and selfish, and let's face it, if anyone should know him it's his mother! Seriously, his mum actually said that he's a very caring and loving son who'd get upset if she was upset. I think that's lovely.

The Bride and Groom

Not all of you may know this, but Steve has an artistic side to his many talents and amongst other things, he's been a hospital radio DJ and has also assisted in the pantomime of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. In fact, this was how Steve and Sharon met. After some years, the old romantic proposed to Sharon on top of the Empire State Building!

With Steve being over 7 years older than Sharon, he was concerned that their age difference could cause problems. For example, I'll never forget their first argument when Sharon wouldn't believe Steve that Michael Jackson was born black!

Seriously, I really believe that Steve and Sharon were made for each other, and feel that they have been very lucky to find each other. I know Steve adores Sharon, and I think he shows us his feelings more than he'll know. Last year with reference to him turning 30, he said that the best present he could ever have had was Sharon. Aw…

Marriage Advice

It's customary for the best man to give advice to the happy couple, and after being married for only two years myself, I can only offer the following piece of advice:

“Never go to bed angry at each other… always stay up and argue!”

Joking aside, marriage is a serious business and it SHOULD NOT be entered into lightly… but Steve's a big strapping guy these days, so he certainly isn't doing that! Seriously, doesn't he look great today?

Togetherness

I was recently talking to Steve's mum about the happy couple and was taken aback by only five words she used to describe them.

The words were “Everything about them is togetherness”. I think those five words really do sum up Steve and Sharon's relationship. Don't you all agree?

Messages

(To be merged in with genuine messages)

I now have some messages that have been sent to Sharon and Steve today.

To Sharon,

Sorry we could not be with you on your big day. We've found Steve to be useless in every position and we hope you have more luck. Congratulations from all the lads at the rugby club.

Stephen,

Please keep buying my albums – you're the last one. Best wishes from Michael Bolton.

Steve,

Little Andrew and I will see you in court, you lying son-of-a…

The Toast

I know Steve and Sharon have given thought to those people in their lives who could not be with us today. They know that those absent will be looking down on them today.

Let us remember absent friends and family, and also congratulate Steve and Sharon by wishing them health and happiness from this day forward. Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses and join me in a toast.

“May your love be modern enough to survive the times;

yet old fashioned enough to last forever.”

The new Mr. and Mrs. [last name] – to the bride and groom!

Ladies and gentlemen, please continue to enjoy this wonderful day, and thank you for your patience. Cheers!