Speech by Gair Colin
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Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Gair Colin
Speech Date: Jul2007
Right, so where do I start!
First of all, I asked for a microphone but was told one wasn't available. So if you can't hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should re-assure you that you're not missing out on anything.
For those of you who don't know me, my name is Colin, and for those of you that do … well I apologise. My full name is actually ‘Colin would-you-like-a-drink’ and on formal occasions such as this I'd appreciate it if you could use my full name when you meet in the bar later :
Before we get to the ritual character assassination of the groom that forms the basis of every good best man's speech I would like to thank Martin for his kind words about the bridesmaid Freya who of course looks fantastic and has done a great job today.
And Martin, I hope you made the most of your speech. Now that you're a married man that'll be the last time you get to speak for 3 minutes without being interrupted!
It was a great honour to be asked by Martin to be his best man on this most important day in his life.
Admittedly my first thought was "Bloody hell I have to make a speech. What am I going to talk about? He doesn't do anything!" …well not that we can talk about here!
However, I was determined to do the job justice so I turned to the internet for advice and inspiration. This took me some time! I mean I found some really interesting stuff on continental drift… but I've been told that it's not suitable stuff for a wedding :
Apparently, the first thing a best man is supposed to do in his speech is let everybody from the bride's side know what sort of man Mary has married.
Ok, here goes… Martin is caring, loving – funny, charming, generous, successful, suave… [SHOW MARTIN] Suave ??… sorry boy, I don't think that's how you spell suave. Well you get the idea… he's a decent bloke.
Martin was born just a shade over 38 years ago in June 1968.
Initially his arrival was a real disappointment to me as I thought it meant that I'd have to share my toys. However, I was mistaken. It actually meant that there was twice as many to play with – as long as Martin was occupied elsewhere. My favourite ploy was to help him up onto the top bunk, scatter toy cars and wooden blocks over the floor and leave him to make the choice… stay or get hurt when he landed!
I know a lot of people here are probably wondering just what does Mary see in Martin?
Well I've known him all his life and to be fair… I don't know either!
It could be his work ethic? – but as he basically just sits in a cabin at Sullom all day and on the couch with his PS3 all night I don't think that's it.
Maybe it's his romantic nature? – well I've never heard of him whisking anyone off to Paris or Rome for a quiet weekend, he proposed on the ferry to Aberdeen, I believe, and the honeymoon is scheduled for Florida's theme parks rather than the Seychelles so I think maybe not that!
Maybe it has to do with his sporting prowess? – well no, at football Martin was widely acclaimed as being useless in all positions. Hopefully Mary will have more luck with him later on!
Speaking of football – that reminds me of a little anecdote I found while reading about plate tectonics…
Married life can be compared to football. Be fully committed every week and make sure you at least try to score every weekend, and during mid-week if you get the chance. Change ends at half time and make sure you put your tackle in hard or you might injure yourself… oooh!
So it's not the work ethic, or romance, or sporting achievement, so I guess it will have to remain one of life's great mysteries, like why men have nipples and women go to the toilet in pairs…
More seriously…
I do know that Mary says that Martin always brightens up her life. Well she actually said he never turned the lights off but it amounts to pretty much he same thing in my book. So it must be something along that lines…
Whatever it is, it works as Mary looks radiantly happy today!
In truth Martin and Mary have shared many romantic moments and I would like you [SPEAK TO MARTIN & MARY] both to share one with us all here today.
Mary please put your hand flat on the table… and Martin, can you place your hand on top of Mary's.
Marvellous, I would like you both to remember and treasure this moment forever… the last time you'll ever have the upper hand Martin.
Moving on…
I have a message here that I've been asked to read out…
[MESSAGE]
Well I've talked long enough so I'd like to end with some sage words of advice…
#1 – People say marriage should be 5050 partnership. The person who wrote this knows little about women and even less about fractions.
#2 – Remember, marriage is more than an 8 letter word… it's a sentence with no time off for good behaviour!
And finally…
#3 – The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once.
Ladies and Gentlemen, a toast…
May your love be modern enough to service the times and old fashioned enough to last for ever.
HERE'S TO LOVE, LAUGHTER,
AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER,
AS MARTIN AND MARY START THEIR NEW LIFE,
PLEASE STAND & TOAST THE NEW HUSBAND & WIFE,
MR & MRS GAIR
