Speech by Gareth Bateson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Gareth Bateson
Speech Date: 01/10/2012 20:56:55

Hello everyone, and here we are on the day we never thought would happen..… The day that Tony finally manages to force Chloe down the aisle, Unbelievable!

I'd first of all like to say thank you to all of you for coming on behalf of the Johnson's and the Webb's. I know some of you have had to travel long distances and even from other countries to be here today… It's truly amazing what people will do when there's a free bar..… Thank God we have an extra day to recover. Three cheers for the bank holiday weekend and the free bar!!!

I would also like to echo what has already been said and say, Chloe you look absolutely stunning. You really do. Surprisingly Tony you've scrubbed up quite well today too, although you have copied my outfit. Raise your game!

In addition to this I would also like to congratulate the bridesmaids. I hear when Chloe woke up and realized she was marrying Tony today she put up a bit of a fight. So well done for getting the straight jacket on her and getting her here.… In a way I'm a little disappointed she did turn up as I bet I could have made a fortune on that cash for gold website with those rings. Oh well!

I'm sure some people here today are thinking, look at Tony, hasn't he done well for himself, He has a good job, has married the woman of his dreams, has made his parents proud and has the ability to grow a full on manly beard which is something I am very jealous of. One of my jobs here today though is to praise Chloe and tarnish this perfect image Tony has built up. Thankfully the two of them make this pretty easy so here we go.

I've known Tony since he was about 4 years old so I have grown up with him and witnessed first-hand his development from a small, cute young lad, with bowl cut blonde hair, computer geek to a tall, ginger bearded Tubaka look-alike computer geek.… It's been quite a journey. His early years include going to St Thomas primary school, being a beaver, cub and a scout at the all conquering Chequerbent Troop. He also was a budding Karate master, and managed to gain an orange belt so I had better watch what I say. He then went to Westhoughton High school, Graduating to Westhoughton 6th form and then onto Southampton University where he decided to dislocate every bone in his body when he joined the squash club. Believe it or not Tony is actually a very, very bright lad and has always been able to apply himself well in an academic sense.… He hasn't always had the best common sense though as we are about to find out.

When Tony was a budding young scout he decided to go on his first ever scout camping trip with the rest of the troop and embrace his first experience of independence and freedom. His mum, sue, had neatly packed plenty of spare, clean jumpers, T-shirts, trousers, everything, and also some brand new never been opened packs of socks, underpants and soap. When Tony got back after a few days of camp jumping in lakes, playing football and falling off bikes these new packs were still completely unopened. Sue asked Tony, “Why haven't you changed your underwear or even washed”? Tony's reply was “nobody told me to”!! This attitude towards his own appearance and cleanliness has caused one or two incidences since his scout days too.

The next time Tony's unwillingness to wear or buy new underwear became an issue was when me, Tony and a few of the other lads, including Ben and Findlay over there, decided to embark on our first lads holiday in Tenerife. Tony had fallen asleep after a heavy night but had still managed to strip himself down to his boxers. Sadly, as nobody had told Tony to buy any new underwear in the last decade they had become loose and worn which meant that one of his two gentleman vegetables had made a successful bid for freedom and was on view for all to see as Tony had yet again overslept. One of our mates, Mark, had seen this and decided that this rogue testicle needs to be put back in its rightful place before it caused anymore offence. He decided to achieve this by getting a match, and a deodorant can to create flame thrower and then aiming this in the direction of Tony's privates. This obviously caused tony to wake up in a flash, hit his head on the headboard and start whaling like a banshee!.… The plan was genius though as we never saw the escapee ever again. I got to admit that I've been expecting to see Tony on that Embarrassing Bodies programme ever since. Try explaining that one.

Although Tony learnt from this experience and never flashed us again, his appearance did cause another frightful incident a few years later. This time Tony had fallen asleep in the hallway of my student accommodation after a New Years Eve party I had hosted in 2007. This time he was fully clothed but was sporting a full on Brian Blessed style moustache and beard. Again, due to Tony oversleeping my cousin saw Tony and all of a sudden I was awoken by an almighty shriek from her before my bedroom door flung open and she shouted “Gareth, Gareth, why is there a tramp lying in your hallway”!?!? She had honestly managed to confuse one of my best mates with a tramp!!  

Even with these incidents in his past Tony has managed to be successful with the ladies as we can see today, but he has never been the type of person to have an ego….or so I thought until we went to Glastonbury in 2010 when Tony showed his true colours.  Whilst Me, Tony and Chloe were wandering around the Glastonbury fields aimlessly, stinking like any self respecting face painted hippies should do we decided to sit down and watch a plate spinning show. After several minutes of failing to entertain anyone the plate spinner stated that he needed a gorgeous and glamorous assistant and pointed in our direction. Myself, Chloe and everybody else in the crowd obviously believed he was pointing at Chloe, but not Tony the egomaniac. Before Chloe could get to her feet Tony, now also known as Debbie McGee, had begun his assent to the stage, introduced himself to the crowd and was smashing plates left, right and centre to the shock and annoyance of the plate spinner. Tony managed to smash so many plates that they actually ran out. It was like being at a Greek wedding! It wasn't long before Tony was sent off the stage after his 15 seconds of fame.   As you have heard, throughout his life Tony has had his fair share of adventures which have caused him pleasure and pain in varying measures. This was also true during his stag do… But sadly it's the law that what happens on a stag do, stays on a stag do I am legally not allowed to say what happened.… But thankfully, due to a loophole I am allowed to SHOW you a few things that happened AND I will need a gorgeous and glamorous assistant.… Any volunteers?? Well I do actually have an assistant in mind.… Debbie… Sorry, I mean Tony, could you please join me over here and do what you do best.  

The following items of clothing which are going to be presented are what Tony wore for the duration of his stag do. As Tony is a trend setter I wouldn't be surprised if these outfits are copied at the next London fashion week.  

Present African top

This beautifully crafted and wonderfully detailed poncho originates from Zante. Tony wore this and some extra dark fake tan to the quaint, peaceful local pub in Derbyshire we visited. It was like being part of the “only gay in the village sketch” from Little Britain. It would appear that the extra dark fake tan was a success though, as only a couple of weeks ago Chloe asked me if I could get Tony to wear some for the wedding.

Present Pink T Shirt

This is a beautiful hot pink number with strategic cuts in the front to expose Anthony's ample bosom.  It also has written on the back Tony's well known catchphrase, “whips and chains excite me!” Tony wore this to our ill-fated trip to The White Water Rafting centre in Nottingham. I think this T shirt might have been the real reason the Peruvian owner said we couldn't ride the rapids rather than his excuse of “there's too much water”!!!!

Present dress

Outfit three shows Anthony's playful side and really highlights his bison like thighs. This 70’s style dress coupled with a cap and curly ginger wig really lit up the 5 aside football pitches in Derby, almost as much as Tony's silky skills. Tony actually modified the dress as we played by making a very revealing slit up the side. He's such a tart!

Present Hooters top

Now. Our fourth and final outfit is particularly X rated and showed everyone the real reason why Chloe is marrying Tony (Look down).… His bright blue eyes just glowed in this offensively tight crop top and hot pants the stag members bought for him from Hooters. Some of the other customers said that Tony reminded them Linford Chrisite. I can't see the resemblance myself but each to their own.  

Now Tony, although I'm sure you won't forget this moment, or your stag do for a long time. Just in case I thought I would present you with a few gifts for your home. Amongst other things it contains a photo album containing all the unedited pictures from the stag do. I can see some worried faces in the room, and for good reason. Please feel fit with to do with them what you like. My suggestion would be blackmail but it's up to you.   Could you all now give my gorgeous and glamorous assistant a huge round of applause and maybe even a wolf whistle or two for presenting these outfits, and also having the bravery to wear them in the first place. Now after all the excitement and revelations it is now my time to give some advice to the newlyweds. I've got to admit I found advice quite hard to think of as they do pretty well at the moment as it is. Chloe has already made Tony into a man that now spends his evenings staying in, cuddling up on the sofa, watching glee (which is very true by the way), and also now drives around in a very girly Volkswagen Beatle with a matching flower on the dashboard. Who says moving down south makes you soft??

I did manage to think of some pieces of advice though. The first of which is, Never shout or argue, always talk things through calmly and logically….and then do whatever Chloe wants you to do anyway. It's just easier.

The second is, never waste time worrying about Chloe leaving you. She has spent a lot of time and effort training you up to just throw away all that effort now.

And finally, Tony, please leave any future dress wearing to Chloe, as you can see, she's much better at it than you.  

Now although Tony and Chloe have had their entire relationship in Southampton and therefore I haven't been able to see as much of them as I would have liked to have, I was visiting Southampton at the very beginning of their relationship. At this stage the relationship was meant to be top secret and they believed that nobody knew about it. Obviously this was all people were talking about behind their backs and it's not surprising as all they did all night was look across the room longingly at each other and stroke each other's hands when they thought that nobody was looking. It was like something from a soppy romcom. It wasn't long until this puppy love turned into true love and they have been the same way ever since and I am sure they will be for evermore.

Chloe and Tony are truly a wonderful couple that suit each other perfectly so if you could all join me in standing to toast the bride and groom….

To the new Mr and Mrs ****!

Tony and Chloe