Speech by Gareth Colven

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Gareth Colven
Speech Date: mar 2003
Notes:
Clare, the bride, is six months pregnant and she and wayne (the groom!) have
a child together. Clares mother lives with them and lynn is Waynes mother.

Speech
Good Afternoon ladies and gentlemen, for those who don't know me, my name is
Gareth and I am Wayne's best man today. I have known Wayne nearly all my
life and he has had as much to do with the development of my sense of humour
as anyone, so if this speech is crap, it's his fault!

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, Carla and Kariad, I would like to
thank Wayne for his kind words. I'm sure everyone agrees that they both look
absolutely beautiful, as does the lovely bride Claire, and that they have
performed their duties exceptionally well today.

As you can imagine, I was delighted when Wayne asked me to be his best man.
After more than 20 years of friendship this is the first meal Wayne has
actually brought me, so I felt I could hardly pass the opportunity up!

Traditionally, My main duty is to give you all an introduction to the groom,
talking about the crazy juvenile antics, the scrapes with the law, the boozy
all-day sessions...

Wayne was born on the 21st of February almost exactly 25 years ago, during
the Chinese year of the horse, two weeks after the very first episode of
grange hill and the day that most of the older nurses at the John Radcliff
call "circus freak Tuesday".

I still remember the first time I saw Wayne. I was still in my first year
of primary school. He was running in and out of the girl's loo, holding his
genitals in a flood of tears, screaming, "I want a wee!"
Even then it was clear Wayne had an eye for the ladies.

Wayne and I were firm friends from an early age and he was often the ‘ying’
to my ‘yang’, getting me out of trouble on several occasions. But one thing
I will always be eternally grateful to Wayne for is introducing me to
smoking after he stole Lyn's fags one day!
We used to walk the dog down the lane – sit on pooh bridge and try to look
cool, at the same time as coughing up our spleens. Our parents always seemed
to know if we'd been smoking though, – Thinking about it now, it was the
only time we ever actually offered to walk the dog.

Wayne and I remained mates through secondary school. We didn't have a care
in the world – the snowball fights in the winter, the bright, hot, summer
mornings, – Wayne picking fights with Ben Horseman before the bus arrived!
Funny thing was, it was Wayne that pinched bens fishing reel in the first
place! It only ever came to blows once though, – Wayne fought valiantly, but
as he said afterwards, he would have kicked Ben's arse if he had been
wearing the right shoes!

Time marched on, and soon we changed from being spotty adolescents, into
young adults. We both left school and started to learn our trades. Wayne had
always been good at craft in school and decided to start his working life as
a carpenter's apprentice in Culham.

Wayne used to love cycling, but once he was 17 he couldn't wait to get
behind the wheel. He took to driving like a duck to water. He used to drive
about everywhere! Over hill over dale? You should have seen Wayne driving
that metro over the Ridgeway! The man was like a little Colin McRae!
He had a nice stereo in it too, Alpine system, big 7 by 9 speakers and a
huge sub-woofer in the boot. We didn't need mobile phones in those days, you
just pumped the stereo up and they could hear where you coming from the
Yorkshire dales!
One night Wayne had a really close call overtaking a car, lets just say if
he was a cat, he would be down to one life after that day! Simon was his
passenger and he looked like a ghost when we got home. Wayne was the first
to admit it was dicey, saying that if anything were to happen to that car,
Lynn would never lend it to him again

It's long been a theory of mine that Wayne's liver is situated just at the
top of his spine. It never seemed to take for long for any type of
intoxicating substances to go to his head! We'd be having a few beers and a
round of Drambui, Twenty-five minutes later Wayne would dash to the toilet,
"where's he off?" someone would ask, "Oh, Just diving out to practice his
multicoloured yawn!" would be the reply! This is something Wayne is still
clearly an expert at, as he proved beyond all doubt after his stag night!

Then came that life-changing day! We went out for a few quite drinks and
Carla was bringing one of her friends along. We went from pub to pub, and
after 5 or 6 pints we decided to turn it into a few loud drinks! Now things
did get a little bit out of hand, but you should have seen Wayne's eyes
light up as Clare was smashing bottles on the pub floor during the ‘chumba
wamba’ song! He had finally found his perfect woman and it was no sooner
than we had been frog marched of the premises than he made his move. Now
Clare was clearly in no fit state to make any rational decisions that night,
consequently she agreed and they started dating straight away!

It wasn't long before the two of them decided to move in together, for some
this might be a big step, moving in with a partner for the first time. Not
for Wayne and Clare, They seemed to have no anxiety about it at all. They
clearly got on well together. In short, they were the perfect couple.

I'm, glad to say that after all these years Wayne and I still manage to see
one another on a regular basis, okay I get roped into digging up concrete
paths and knocking down the odd wall, but that's what friendship is all
about.
Claire is a beautiful young woman with a charming personality and she is
clearly a lady of distinction and taste, so why she has chosen to marry
Wayne today is beyond me!
Having said that, Wayne one of my oldest and dearest friends and I cant
think of anyone whom I would rather see make an honest man of him than of
course the lovely Claire.

I have always enjoyed going over to Marcham of an evening. But now more than
ever since that little bundle of joy has come along. Maisie is the light of
their life and I think you will all agree, she is the most adorable child
going. With her little brother on the way, today's events have been more by
way of celebration of the fantastic life these two already have.

I am sure the Eveson-Roberts household has yet to be graced with the
pitter-patter of tiny feet a few more times yet. I very much look forward to
spending the coming years seeing how all their children grow up, seeing what
sort of people they become and helping out with guidance and sympathy
wherever I can. After all, I've grown up with him, so I know it can't be
easy living with Wayne!

As one final piece of advice, I would like to read you this short poem
written by Simon and myself:

Ode to Wayne

I've not had the pleasure of knowing,
The joy that Claire's currently showing,
By the sounds of the first,
You'll be regularly cursed,
By the noise of his little lungs blowing!

Now you've had a good life we can see,
Women in your life are plenty,
The lucky have one,
Two's too much for some,
But Wayne here is living with three!

We're nearing the end of this speech,
Ever’ body for champagne will soon reach.
Raise a glass in the air,
For Wayne and for Clare,
So their marriage may turn out to be peach.

One more thing on a finishing note,
Some advice that I wanted to quote,
Take care of your bride,
She'll stay by your side,
And you'll regularly sew all your oats!

Now I can see people at the back glaring at me, So I ‘d like to finish by
saying that I know I speak for everyone in this room when I say; Wayne and
Claire, I wish you long life and all the luck and happiness in the world,
now and always. But when I see your young family blossoming, I know that you
will have exactly that.

I would like everyone to be upstanding and raise their glasses.

Ladies and Gentlemen: To the bride and groom.

Everyone says "the bride and groom