Speech by Gareth Davies

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Gareth Davies
Speech Date: Jul2006
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW ME, MY NAME IS GARETH AND I AM SIMON'S……OTHER…..… BEST MAN.

BEFORE I START, I UNDERSTAND THAT A SWEEPSTAKE IS BEING RUN THIS EVENING, ON HOW LONG MY SPEECH LASTS.
I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED THAT MY WIFE LOUISE HAS ONLY PUT ME DOWN AT THREE MINUTES BASED ON MY USUAL PERFORMANCE!

WHEN SIMON ASKED ME TO BE HIS BEST MAN I WAS INITIALLY THRILLED AT THE PROSPECT. BUT IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG FOR THIS FEELING OF WELL BEING TO DISSOLVE INTO UTTER APPREHENSION AS I REMEMBERED THE LAST TIME I HAD TO STAND UP IN FRONT OF A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE. I WAS FOUND GUILTY AND FINED 㿀0!! PAUSE
HONESTLY, I ONLY STOPPED FOR DIRECTIONS! ????? …

ALEX, CAN I JUST SAY THAT YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL TODAY AND SIMON IS AN INCREDIBLY LUCKY MAN.

AND SIMON, WELL, IT'S AMAZING WHAT A SHOWER, SHAVE AND A ‘MONKEY SUIT’ CAN DO!

A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME. I FIRST MET SIMON FIVE YEARS AGO WHEN WE WERE BOTH WORKING FOR AON IN LEEDS. I REMEMBER AT THE TIME SOME OF OUR COLLEAGUES OFTEN REFERRED TO HIM AS GODLIKE……RARELY SEEN, HOLIER THAN THOU AND IF HE EVER DID ANY WORK IT WAS A BLOODY
MIRACLE.

MY INITIAL IMPRESSION OF SIMON WAS THAT HE WAS SUCH A GENIUNELY NICE GUY BUT I'D NEVER MET A 24 YEAR OLD WHO HAD GREYER HAIR THAN MY DAD BEFORE!!

WE HAVE NOW REACHED THAT PIVOTAL MOMENT IN THE SPEECH WHERE I AM MEANT – IN GOOD TASTE – TO PUT THE GROOM DOWN. SO, MINUS THE GOOD TASTE, I'LL PROCEED

SIMON HAS BEEN KNOWN TO RESPOND TO MANY NICK-NAMES – SI, RHODDERS, RODNEY, MARLENE, SILVER FOX, GREY HEAD AND SICK BOY THAT ONE IS USED BY ALEX FOR REASONS THAT WILL BECOME APPARENT LATER.
SIMON WAS BORN INTO THIS WORLD ON THE 31ST JULY 1976. YES, SIMON IS 30 ON MONDAY.

1976 IS THE SAME YEAR THAT THE PHRASE ”JUNK FOOD” ENTERED THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE HOW IRONICAL CONSIDERING SIMON'S DIET, LIVERPOOL FC WIN THE LEAGUE FOR RECORD 9TH TIME SAME YEAR THAT MAN UNITED WERE BEATEN BY SOUTHAMPTON IN THE FA CUP FINAL INCIDENTALLY AND RAG TRADE WON THE GRAND NATIONAL. UNFORTUNATELY FOR ALEX, APART FROM THE YEAR I CAN'T THINK OF ANY OTHER SIMILARITY BETWEEN SIMON AND A GRAND NATIONAL RACE HORSE

DID YOU KNOW THAT SIMON HAS BEEN COMPARED TO WAYNE ROONEY ON THREE FRONTS?

1. NUMBER ONE, THEY ARE BOTH VERY SUCCESSFUL IN THEIR CHOSEN CAREERS.

2. NUMBER TWO, BOTH SIMON AND WAYNE HAVE FRACTURED THEIR METATARSAL. WAYNE FRACTURED HIS DURING A HIGHLY COMPETITIVE FOOTBALL GAME AGAINST CHELSEA AND SIMON FRACTURED HIS………….… THROWING CONKERS AT A BEDROOM WINDOW AFTER ONE TWO MANY DRINKS..

3. AND NUMBER THREE, THEY'RE BOTH UGLY BUGGERS.

ONLY KIDDING!!!

ALSO, IT HAS BEEN ARGUED THAT SIMON DOESN'T DO HANGOVERS VERY WELL.
IN FACT, DURING A TRIP TO ALEX'S MUM AND DAD'S HOUSE AFTER A PARTICULARLY HEAVY NIGHT OUT, SIMON VOMITED ALL DOWN THE SIDE OF ALEX'S TWO DAY OLD BRAND NEW MINI COOPER ON THE A19.

ANOTHER INCIDENT THAT YOU SHOULD BE MADE AWARE OF TOOK PLACE AFTER SIMON WENT OUT ON HIS WORKS SUMMER DO.
AFTER ONE TO MANY DRINKS SIMON BECOMES WORSE FOR WEAR AND CONVENIENTLY FORGOT TO MEET ALEX AT THE APPOINTED TIME.
EVENTUALLY, ALEX BRINGS SIMON HOME WHERE HE PROMPTLY FALLS ASLEEP…………..ON THE KITCHEN TABLE.

A FEW HOURS LATER THEY HAVE TO SET OFF TO MANCHESTER AIRPORT ALEX DRIVING OFCOURSE.

A COUPLE OF ROAD STOPS – FOR THROWING UP LATER THEY ARRIVE AT THE AIRPORT.
SIMON PUTS ON A BRAVE FACE UNTIL HE IS SAT RIGHT AT THE FRONT OF THE PLANE IN FRONT OF THE AIR HOSTESSES. SURE ENOUGH AND TRUE TO FORM, AS THE PLANE IS MOTORING DOWN THE RUN WAY SIMON THROWS UP ALL OVER HIMSELF! BLESS HIM!!

ARE YOU SURE YOU'VE MADE THE RIGHT DECISION HERE ALEX?

HOWEVER, SIMON DOESN'T ALWAYS REQUIRE ALCOHOL FOR AMUSING ANECDOTES TO OCCUR.

DID YOU KNOW THAT SIMON HAD DEVELOPED A SEVERE SWELLING IN HIS RIGHT ELBOW?
SIMON CLAIMED THAT THIS WAS A SEVERE CASE OF ‘STUDENT'S ELBOW’ CAUSED BY REVISING FOR FORTHCOMING INVESTMENT EXAMS.

HOWEVER, STUDENT'S ELBOW USED TO BE KNOWN AS ‘REPETATIVE STRAIN’.
I'LL LEAVE IT UP TO YOU TO MAKE YOUR OWN MIND UP ON THAT ONE.

SERIOUSLY THOUGH, SIMON AND ALEX SPENT THE FIRST THREE YEARS OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP TRAVELLING ACROSS THE M62 AT WEEKENDS TO SEE EACH OTHER, BEFORE SIMON CONVINCED ALEX TO MOVE OVER TO LEEDS.
SINCE THEN THEIR RELATIONSHIP HAS BLOSSOMED EVEN MORE AND IT'S FANTASTIC THAT EVERYONE IS HERE PRESENT TODAY TO CELEBRATE THEIR WEDDING WITH THEM.

WHEN MY WIFE WHO WAS HEAVILY PREGNANT AT THE TIME AND I WERE FLOODED OUT OF OUR HOUSE, IT WAS SIMON AND ALEX WHO WERE FIRST TO THE RESCUE.

THEY TOOK US IN TO THEIR HOME FOR A WEEK, COOKED FOR US AND ALEX EVEN MADE US A PACKED LUNCH FOR WORK!! THIS GESTURE OF GENEROSITY REFLECTS THE TYPE OF PEOPLE THAT SIMON AND ALEX ARE. THEY ARE THE MOST SINCERE, GENUINE AND KIND HEARTED PEOPLE I HAVE EVER MET AND I AM SO PROUD TO CALL THEM MY FRIENDS.

AND NOW ITS CUSTOMARY AT THIS STAGE FOR THE BEST MAN TO OFFER THE HAPPY COUPLE SOME WORDS OF ADVICE

ALEX, REMEMBER THAT MEN ARE LIKE TILED FLOORS………LAY THEM RIGHT THE FIRST TIME AND YOU CAN WALK ALL OVER THEM FOR YEARS!!

AND SIMON, ALSO REMEMBER THOSE THREE LITTLE WORDS THAT ARE THE KEY TO A LONG AND HAPPY MARRIAGE……..”YOUR RIGHT LOVE!”

BEFORE I OFFER UP THE FINAL TOAST I'D LIKE TO SAY THAT SIMON'S BEEN A GREAT FRIEND TO ME OVER THE FIVE YEARS I'VE KNOWN HIM AND THERE ARE MANY THINGS I ADMIRE ABOUT HIM.

HE IS THE MOST LEVEL HEADED MAN I KNOW AND, ALONG WITH HIS GENEROSITY AND DETERMINATION, THERE IS ONE OTHER THING THAT STANDS OUT, AND THAT IS HIS APPRECIATION OF QUALITY. AND TODAY, SIMON, YOU'VE REALLY SURPASSED YOURSELF. YOU HAVE FOUND A LADY OF TRUE QUALITY IN ALEX.

IT'S BEEN AN HONOUR AND A PRIVILEGE TO BE YOUR JOINT BEST MAN TODAY.

I WISH YOU BOTH ALL THE HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD.

WITH THAT SAID, WOULD EVERYONE PLEASE STAND AND JOIN ME IN OFFERING A TOAST TO SIMON AND ALEX.