Speech by Gareth Kellett

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Gareth Kellett
Speech Date: Oct2007
now I know a lot of people here were worried that dave would be nervous about todays wedding, but I would like to put your minds at rest by confirming that last night he slept like a baby…3 that is he wet the bed twice…..3 and woke up several times in the night crying for his mammy! But apart from that he did get a good nights sleep I assure you!!

Ive been told that the best man's job is to make sure that dave turned up today looking smart and presentable.3 Ifound this quite difficult so would like to take this opportunity to offer my sincere apologies …3 i tried to do the best with what I had to work with.
my other job is getting 5 minutes to make dave feel uncomfortable..3 don't worry jo.… itl be your turn to feel uncomfortable for 5 minutes later on tonight…3 when dave gets on top of you.

when Dave, or big bird as he is affectionately known to his mum , asked me to be his best man, I felt honoured.. distinguished and privileged.
I also felt shocked as I realised it would be the first time in ten years that Id have a drink and a meal with dave and not end up having to pay for it.

When dave was best man at my wedding in the summer he accused me of wearing too much pink for a heterosexual male. personally i thought that that was a bit rich coming from a man whos middle name is Leslie..3 and who was once caught playing football wearing a pair of womens knickers

Now i have the pair here and ive got to say.. dave obviously takes a lot of care in choosing his thongs as they are just like he is

tight…3
un-a-ccommodating…3
and a right pain in the arse!!

But apart from wearing woman's knickers to play football in and having a middle name which is a girls, big bird has three other interests in his life.namely

being late ….3
sleeping…..3
and eating mcdonalds!

he also likes his music and drinking beer. a combination that doesn't go together to well as unfortunately he cant handle his ale and his taste in music is worse than his taste in clothes. i have a vast collection of embarrassing stories concerning dave when he was drunk. But I don't feel that today is an appropriate time to tell them..on second thoughts as I will get this opportunity only once, what the hell..who wants to hear one??

not loud enough. WHO WANTS TO HEAR ONE???
ok then **ahem-cough-cough**

&quotit is a cold Decembers night in the year 2003 as dave comes home from a Christmas party well and truly enebriated after a free bar that he has definately made the most of. after all that beer anybody would feel the need to relieve themselves, and dave was no different. hearing the front door open, dave senior upstairs in bed, turns over, reassured in the knowledge that dave is safely home.

he hears a sound.ahh dave must be using the downstairs toilet, the one by the front door he has just passed in the house he has lived in for 15 years. but wait, this sound is slightly different. concerned over this strange noise dave senior goes downstairs to investigate.

now as there are women and children present i will say no more except yes the hifi did short circuit,…
yes dave seniors power ballad cd collection was ruined,…
yes the flys did go after a week.
but no the stain did not come out of the carpet.&quot

Now of course ive got loads more embarrassing stories I could tell you about dave, but I wont. not out of love or loyalty but because of the hefty bribe he promised me before I started preparing this speech.
so i I will now move swiftly on and read a few cards requested from guests who could not make it today.

Dave , all the best, gud luck for today and we hope it all goes well for you.this ones just signed .from the lads…oh the lads from the Bangkok lady boys show

Dear Dave,
Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool, I do hope you've made the right choice.
Lots of love Michael Barrymore.

Congratulations on your special day Dave we will all miss u All the girls from the fantasy bar in Worcester XxX

You will look back on this as the happiest day of your life, hold today and its memories forever as it will never be surpassed. always being remembered and never to be forgotten.””

I don't know how this one has slipped in, it's a quote to the players in the dressing room after city beat united 5-1 at maine road

when I was writing this speech I had a checklist of things to include. So it was things like the introduction, a few jokes at daves expense and an embarrassing story. I also had to write a serious bit and I didn't know how to do this .. I had the house to myself and thought, what would dave do in a situation like this? So I did what dave always does when he has the house to himself, I went upstairs to the spare bedroom and played on the computer for a couple of hours. I must admit that I didn't find much material I could use in the speech on the websites dave visits but it did lead to me writing down a few thoughts.ive done it as an open letter to you all and putting all the jokes to one side, well for the time being anyway, i would like to read it out to you now.

Dave , when I met you all those years ago at linda's wedding I was quickly struck by how affable and friendly you were. we quickly got to know each other, became friends and have stayed that way ever since. you are fine man with strong values and robust principles, credit which must partly go to dave senior and anne in the way in which they have both brought you up.

When I was younger I always wanted a brother I got a dog instead incidentally but I wish I would have known that later on in life I would have found the next best thing.

You are a true friend who has taught me a lot and someone who I look upto more than you will probably ever know.

I would like to think that in the times when you have called upon me for help I have always been there for you and not let you down. as you don't deserve anything less. I look back at some of the stuff we have done together and have a really good laugh. we have had some truly great times and have shared some great experiences together, memorys I will never forget. I was honoured to ask you to be best man at my wedding but even more honoured to be asked to be best man at yours. You have a rare quality about you in that you have no pretensions, no fakeness and no airs or graces .I think that that is great.

You went back to university , worked extremely hard and passed with a 21 degree , a fantastic grade and at the high end of the marks possible. you are now working towards your masters degree, combining this with an extremely stressful job whilst working away from home, Something which must be extremely difficult for you both but something which u seem to handle admirably and which we can all look on as inspiration, After dating jo the first time a round, you briefly split up, but fate brought you back together by complete coincidence in a crowded bar in Manchester and you have not looked back since. I know that in jo you have someone who professes total love for you, someone that has been an unfaltering pillar of strength and who has stayed at your side through thick and thin , through the good times and through the bad. Her loyalty for you is unquestionable, her faith in you is seemingly endless. You have found your perfect partner as I feel it is impossible for anyone to love you any more.

Jo, you looked absolutely beautiful today, and although unfortunately, your dad isn't here to see you, im sure that somewhere he is looking down at you with pride. And rightly so in my book. I know that you have got the man of your dreams and I sincerely hope that you have got the wedding that you have dreamed about for so long.

Dave, I respect you ,I admire you and I hope you and jo will be happy together for the rest of your lives. You are my best friend and someone who I love dearly. I wish you both all the joy and happiness together for the future.

Lots of love
Gaz

now it is my honour and pleasure , on behalf of dave and jo , to offer thanks to the people who have helped make today so special

Firstly I would like to thank martin for walking jo down the aisle and for his speech. it's the first time ive seen martin in a suit since the trial .. for those of you who are interested, it was a not guilty as the rspca said the chicken made a full recovery. But thank you, and a big round of applause for martin please
I would like to thank dave on behalf of the bridesmaids for the kind words in his speech. in no particular order thankyou to

Sarah Johnston
Louisa Evans
Jill Marsh
Beckie Kellett
Katie Jones
Rachel Jones
Alice Hill
Elisabeth Hawkin
Katie Lowson

you all looked absolutely fantastic today, especially you Beckie,. you did a great job. Thankyou and a big round of applause please
to keith for his speech and to ruth his wife. for their help with the wedding. to the ushers, si, bov, jonny and sal for making such an easy job look so difficult and to Bradley, the page boy who helped carry the rings a big thankyou and a round of applause please.

but last and by no means least to anne, daves mum, susan joannes mum and dave senior daves dad . I know of the hard work you have all done behind the scenes leading up to todays wedding. I know it was extremely appreciately by both dave and jo. So a big , big , big thankyou to you all.

So now Ladies and Gentlemen, it's the bit that we've all been waiting so long for.… So for those of you that are still capable, would you now be upstanding..…

…and raise your glasses to the new MR AND MRS BROOKES.