Speech by Gareth Lawless

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Gareth Lawless
Speech Date: aug 2001
Firstly, if I can just pass on a health and safety message from Otterbourne Village Hall, if you can refrain, please, from getting on the chairs and tables during my standing ovation, that would be great. I'm serious, people could get hurt.

I'm sure you'll agree that it's been a wonderful day so far, a cracking wedding, but every silver lining has a cloud, and I'm it.

On behalf of the bridesmaids and myself I would like to thank Jay and Les for allowing us to share in this day. I also want to thank Jay for his support to me throughout the day. He's been brilliant, absolutely solid as a rock, and I couldn't have got through it without him.

Right, well let's talk abut Jason for a moment then, since that what I'm supposed to do. Born in 1971, yes I'm going back that far, which is the year that a Moon Rover was driven on the moon for the first time. If you've experienced Jay's driving, you'll realise the significance of that.

Now you may not have known it, because he doesn't display signs of it too often, but Jay is in fact a bit of a genius. At a young age he conquered a complex puzzle which foxed an entire nation. No one could do it, but he could, and I thought he might like to demonstrate that now (hand him a Rubiks cube). You've got until the end of the speech to solve it, so that's half an hour.

Now when Jay rang me to ask me to do this, I did say yes instantly, of course, very happy to do it and all that, but after I spoke to him I realised what the job entailed. As an aside, some of my responsibilities include: reminding the groom to remove the price tag from the bottom of his shoes (absolutely true). Making sure his flies are done up (should his mum be doing this job?). Making sure his hair is in order (pause – [he's “thinning”, shall we say]). But what hit me after he rang me was the realisation that I would have to be responsible for getting him where he needs to be today .… ON TIME.

In the pecking order of poor time-keepers, Jay is up there with the American military when a World War breaks out.

After we left school we both attended Barton Peveril sixth-form for 2 years and I would meet him every morning. I can honestly say that I don't think he was ready once and every morning I would have to wait downstairs for him and engage in chit chat with Jean (his mum). I have to thank Jean for honing what skills I have in the art small talk. Anyway, I know that his poor time-keeping trait is still present nowadays – whenever I'm back from Plymouth and he picks me up to go out for a pint, I know I can safely add half an hour to the arranged time. But thankfully we managed to pull it together today.

Now Jay won't mind me saying that at school, he merged into the background a bit academically and in sport. Perfectly good pupil, but nothing spectacular. But then he developed a love for music, and I don't mean when we both joined the choir at 15, that was just satisfy our growing interest in some of the female members. No, it's when he first started getting up and wielding his axe that we started to see a real talent emerge. By the time he was playing gigs while we were at sixth-form he was becoming very popular with girls. And you won't believe this, but it was known for him to have more than one at a time. Usually from Romsey as well from some reason. But we won't dwell on that because avoiding past romances is best man speech rule number one.

Now being a rock guitarist would bring with it, you would think, plenty of wild tales. Sex, drugs and rock n roll, and all that. Well, no, with Jay it's more tea, toast and woolly-pullies. To digress for a moment, why does he wear wooly-pullies so much? I've been known to see him in his jumpers in stifling Mediterranean temperatures.

Anyway, I've racked my brains for embarrassing anecdotes from his teenage period but surprisingly, not much comes to mind. Now whether this is down to his model behaviour or my poor memory I'll leave you to decide. But I will say that my memory does improve with alcohol and I'll be propped up at the bar later. But, my theory is it's entirely down to his exemplary lifestyle which doesn't really befit the rock star status that he seeks.

So I'll have to embellish some stories. Whilst the two of were wondering through Winchester once he collapsed in a heap following an episode of excess. And after an alcohol binge he crashed on my floor and vomited in his sleep over my carpet. Okay, so he collapsed because of an indiscriminate puncture to his lung. And that was me vomiting on his floor. Best man speech rule number 2, don't mention vomiting after everyone's just eaten. Oh well, never mind.

So anyway, Jay, I can't help thinking that the lack of bad behaviour on your part has deprived me of juicy anecdotes, and Barry and Jean of an essential part of parenting, like discipline, control and learning how to deal with trouble. So it was good for them that Tash (Groom's sister and bridesmaid) was prepared to step in. Best man speech rule number 3, you're speaking on behalf of the bridesmaids so don't start having a pop at them. Another one gone for a burton.

So enough of all that. We're here to celebrate the marriage of Jason and Lesley, who have been together for over ten years and have now tied the knot. I remember first meeting Les at The Bridge in Shawford at one of Jay's gigs and she said she thought Jay was handsome from afar (sorry that's far from handsome). Jay was obviously a fan of women in uniforms which explains his choice of girlfriend, but also why every time I went to visit them in Bristol, he would just love being in the company of all of Les's nursing colleagues. He would relish it. He obviously also thought that Les would be impressed by men in uniforms, explaining why he became a postman soon after they got together, but I'm not sure he quite understood that.

Jay and Les, I'm sure you'll agree, make an absolutely brilliant couple. You often hear as a term of abuse that such and such a pair deserve each other. Well, in this instance you couldn't hope to pay a bigger compliment. They really do deserve each other. They each share a natural exuberance of personality, as well as an extreme generosity of spirit… Basically, they're just ridiculously nice people… And doesn't it just make you sick!

Seriously, I don't think I've met a such a decent couple, certainly of our generation, who complement each other so well. I know they are perfect for each other, and will be happy together, and you have to ask why on earth it took them so long? I've heard it said that love is like one long sweet dream, and that marriage is the alarm clock, but with these two, you know that's not the case. Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to propose a toast to the newlyweds, to Lesley and Jason.