Speech by Garry Lee

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Garry Lee
Speech Date: jun 2003
Start of all speeches.…

It is my pleasure today to be not only the best man, but perform the role of toastmaster for the day. So I have the great pleasure of introducing the most important to men of the day (aside from the bar staff) that being the two men responsible for paying for all of this.
First of all then, please show your appreciation for the father of the bride, Michael Cave.

Mr Cave finishes…

A wonderful speech sir, thank you for that. And now the turn of the luckiest man here today, the other Mr Cave. Oh sorry, it's still Mr Gaiger, you do get to keep your name Rich, although I hear that's about all you get to keep.
Anyway over to Rich.

Rich finishes…

Thanks for the kind words Rich.
Let me start by saying thank you on behalf of the bridesmaid, who as Richard quite rightly says, is looking radiant today. I must say it was an honour and a privalige to escourt you from the church today.
Also, I have to say that Sam looked stunning today and Richard looked, well stunned really.
Rich I can only say that you have married a charming, beautiful, talented and exceptional woman. Sam you have married, well….Richard.
OK, that's the pleasantries out of the way, let the fun begin. <pull out large wad of cards>
Only kidding Sam. In fact I got a list from Sam, which she kindly left in the flat for me, detailing the things that I can and can't talk about <hold list up, then drop to floor large concertina of paper>. Also, due to throat problems the speech is likely to be short, i.e. Sam will cut it if I go on too long.

Anyway, let me fill you in on some background information to bring you up to speed. Richard asked the delightful Sam to be his wife some 12 months ago. I have to admit prior knowledge of the upcoming proposal, as it was I guiding him towards Hatton Garden in London where Richard was to get the ring.
But in truth, I had been preparing for this moment a lot longer, thanks to a drunken Christmas party some 5 and a half years ago, which was the night that I first realised Rich's true feelings for Sam. Remember that Rich had only been seeing Sam for 6 months at this point, but he turned to me, well sort of half fell really, and told me that not only was he going to marry Sam, but that he wanted me to be his best man, which when I was drunk sounded like a great idea.

So anyway, having been told the official news the evening after Sam had said yes I went ahead and purchased a book all about my duties, that I decided would be my bible for the event. <show book> Unfortunately, I got through just a few pages and threw it to the floor after reading the following and I quote here “At the reception the best man should help keep things running smoothly, offer drinks and introduce people”. So according to this, I should be buying you all drinks and acting as some sort of pimp, so you can see why I gave up reading it. Regrettably I never did pick it up again until last night and even then I only started flicking through a couple more of the pages as we were listening to Rich go on, sorry make his fascinating speech just now. It has a list of don'ts for the speech, which kind of narrow done the options.
Don't mention ex-girlfriends <throw away card>
Don't speak longer than 4 minutes <look at watch worringly>
Don't swear or blaspheme <throw away card>
Don't tell risqué jokes <throw away card>
Don't tell lies <throw away 10 cards>

Being serious for a moment though, this is a family occasion and I was, quite rightly, asked to remove all controversial and offensive material from the speech
<say next bit as sitting down> so, ladies and gentlemen many thanks for coming today
Only joking, now where was I, of course, Sam's worst nightmare.

My helpful bible tells me at this point I should mention a little about my history with the groom, although I can assure you that nothing of that nature has ever gone on between us.
I have known Rich since he joined Tie Rack some 7 years ago and it's fair to say we went through some rough things together in those early days, although I'm pleased to say looking in the audience, none of them has made it here today.

It's also traditional at this point to out a few things about Richard, for those of you lucky enough not to know him well, so I starting drawing up a lists of the things that I felt convinced Sam to say yes to Richard. I soon realised that this was a dificult thing to do with words and as they say, a picture paints a thousand words, so it's time for the pictures.
Our first picture perfectly highlights Richard's professional and sophisticated side. I believe it's this side that convinced Sam he was a mature man and a serious bet for the future.
The second picture shows Richards dark and mysterious side.
The third photo highlights Richards sensitive side. It is clear from this picture that Sam has found herself a man very much in touch with his feminine side.
The final picture perfectly highlights what a passionate guy Richard is. In this photo we see his passion for both music and Grimsby town football club. Interestingly we see a further side, his ability to con his friends into being as daft as him, although I'm not sure if that is a side that Sam specifically looked for in a man.

Now I mentioned a moment ago about Richards passion for his hair, but in truth this should be extended to a deeper passion for his appearance in general. Now I imagine many of you are saying to yourselves, that's not such a bad thing, shame the best man didn't have such high standards, we wouldn't be listening to this tramp. Well let me tell you a story from just this morning to highlight Rich's vanity.
Some of you may have noticed Richard nervously looking around him in the church and assumed that he was checking that Sam was indeed arriving, but I'm afraid his looking back was for other reasons, so let me take you back a few more hours to 11am this morning.
There I am getting ready in the lounge of Richard and Sams flat, when Rich walks in, all set to go (he'd slept like a baby, up all night, wet the bed and cried for his mummy), when he looks at me and the colour rushes from his face and he says, Garry we can't go like this. So I'm obviously thinking this is a bit late to be changing his mind, until he says to me “We can't go to the church like this, you've got the same outfit on as me”
So that's what he was doing in the church ladies and gentlemen, having arrived to see the ushers in the same outfit as well, he was checking that no one else had done the same.

Anyway, I'm dragging on and I should really get round to the subject of the beautiful couple.

So Sam and Richard have finally tied the knot and for better or worse are now married, which I think you'd all agree is a very appropriate saying, as Rich couldn't have done any better and Sam couldn't have done any……better, what did you think I would say.

Now it states in my little bible that at this stage I should be offering a few words of advice. I'm not actually married myself, but I have been canvassing opinion from the married section of the audience and have been asked to point out the following couple of things to you Richard.
The best way not to forget your anniversary is to forget it the first time around, you're sure never to forget again.
And of course the best advice of all, remember those 3 words that will get through any situation, however tough, “you're right dear”.

Now I've been pretty awful to Rich so far and obviously Sam has been sitting nervously for the last 5 minutes, so at this point I had planned to tell you all some lovely story about the first night the lovely couple met, how it was love at first sight, blah, blah… but the truth is I was very, very drunk, so do not really remember anything. The first thing that I remember was the next morning and Richard already beginning the “she I phone her debate”, you know the one, if I phone will I look desperate or if I don't will she think I have forgotten about her. All I could remember was thinking that this was a lot of noise for 3am and my head hurts. But that at least tells you he was smitten right from the start.

But then who can blame him, I think you'll all agree that this beautiful and smart young lady fully deserves a great husband, so fair play to Rich for getting in there before she found one

I'd like to thank both Sam and Rich for giving me the honour of being their best man today, especially Sam who I know was quite nervous about the thing. I hope aside from the speech, I have done a pretty good job for them, although hopefully not too good that anyone else would dream of asking me to do it again.

Couple of telegrams to read quickly, first one says
“To our most loyal customer, have a happy day and have a free month on us from all the girls at Big Boobs Monthly.
I've also got one from the BHS football team. “We've tried Rich out in all sorts of positions and he has been useless in all of them, I hope you have more luck than us Sam”
Two final messages, “Sam we could have been so good together” Love George Clooney.
“Rich, we could have made a lovely couple” Love Elton John.

Obviously my toasts are going to focus on the most important people here
today. The people we all feel a great love for and without whom today
wouldn't be possible.
At some stage in the evening I'm sure we will all be sharing with them our
thoughts from this special day and giving them our love and best wishes so I
would like to propose a toast to "The bar staff"

Enough of this now, I'd like to make a couple of genuine toasts.
First of all could I ask you all to raise your glasses to the parents of the bride, who I know have helped immensely in organizing today, the parents of the bride “Mike and Julia”

And finally, to the real reason why we are all hear today, I give you a couple very much in love and for whom I wish the absolute best for the rest of their lives together.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please raise your glasses to the married couple, “Richard and Sam”
The happy couple will now cut the cake, so those wishing to take some photos feel free to snap away and if the rest of you could stay seated for a moment and we will open the bar in just a few moments.