Speech by Garry McFall

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Garry McFall
Speech Date: Oct2005
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. I must say, it's funny how history repeats itself. Twenty six years ago, Mhairis mum and dad were sending their beautiful daughter to bed with a dummy – and here we are again today

I would firstly like to thank my support acts Kenny and Dave.

It seems a little strange replying to the toast to the bridesmaids
Because, as you can see, I'm not a bridesmaid.

My name is Garry and as you can probably assume I am the chosen one to be David and Mhairis best man.

This is only the third time I've been a best man. The couples in question are at least still talking to me. Unfortunately, they're not actually talking to each other …

They say speech making is like drilling for oil, if you don't strike oil in five minutes then stop boring

THANKS
I'd like to start by saying that Mhairi .you honestly look stunning, David is a very lucky man and, I'm sure you'll agree with me gentlemen, today is a sad day for all men, as another beauty leaves the potentially available list.
Corrina. You really look beautiful today and you have taken on the role like a true professional as well as the hen night organising and all the other little extras.
I have a query and wondered if anyone could tell me if it's true or not, that the bridesmaid has to kiss the best man as part of tradition – as I'd hate to break with tradition.
Another big thank you goes to the beautiful flower girls Alannah and Cara, who both behaved and looked like angels.
I'd like to also thank the USHERS Michael and Gordon whom without today… you wouldn't know where to sit.
AND OF COURSE.… David.… for ASKING ME to be his BESTMAN.… It's been a real honour mate.… I hope I've done ok!! So far. You know, it's been said that being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to THE QUEEN. It's a great honour but you don't really want to do it!
Last but not least the sherbrook, for organizing a fine day, and more importantly the bar staff who will organise a fine evening thank you.… Right that's the emotional bit out the way… NOW let's SLAG you off Dave .
MAIN BODY

I'm pleased to report that I had no difficulty in getting David ready for his big day. Of course, with David being a tough lad from East Kilbride, he wasn't even a bit nervous, or so he says. Then perhaps he'd like to explain why I found these in his toilet this morning? [Pull out a bricks from prop box] Think about it.

Now, I'm sure a number of the guys here today have been a best man at a wedding before, but I wonder how many of you have ever received written guidelines from the bride to be? Before I go any further, I'd like to explain that two weeks ago I received this email from Mhairi:

MHAIRI EMAIL

I was very pleased when David asked you to be best man at our wedding. I knew that by selecting you, he had made the right decision. But, as we get close to the day itself, I'm sure you appreciate the stress that we are both under. And adding to this, there are two aspects of the day that cause me concern @ your speech and your conduct. I appreciate that as best man you are required to write a speech that pokes a certain amount of fun at the groom, with stories and jokes about his past exploits. But I do want you to remember that this is our wedding day, and I don't want something that you might say or do to spoil it. I would ask that you also keep a very close check on David as well. With this in mind, please take note of the following and I'm sure we'll all have a wonderful day:

Remember at all times that my family is there.
Remember at all times that David's family is there.
So do not get drunk.
Do not swear
Do not tell rude jokes
Do not use bad language.
Do not use your fingers when eating.
Do not take food from anybody else's plate.
Do not sing.
Do not pick your nose.
Do not leer at women with low cut tops.
Do not belch.
Do not harass the bridesmaids.
Do not steal anything.
But most importantly of all, do not let Dave do any of the above.

Right Mhairi, whit all that in hand I have prepared 3 different speeches for today, its up to you which one you want.

[Show the bride 3 A4 envelopes, labelled
Upset the Family X Rated Version 1.1′
‘Upset the Family X Rated Version 1.2′ and
‘Upset the Family X Rated Version 1.3

Now BEFORE I GET STARTED I THOUGHT I WOULD GET THE EX GIRLFRIENDS BIT OUT THE ROAD.

Now I know its not political correct to discuss any of David past conquests or girlfriend so therefore in order to draw a line under this subject could I ask that if any of daves exes are in the room now could you please return the house keys to me and nothing else will be said.

FRIENDSHIP

David and I have been good friend for a in the excess of 20 years
And like all friends, we've certainly had our downs as well as our ups. I remember back to times when a petty argument would arise from nowhere. Then David would call me smelly, and I'd call him ‘big ears’. And then it would spiral out of all proportion and we'd each end up running home in tears TO OUR MUMMYS. But sure enough, the next day, Dave would drop me an email or call me on the mobile from work and we'd make up and go for a pint.

Dave, We all know you are capable of doing silly things, but everyone is proud of you – especially your mum and dad. You have actually turned out to be their most sensible son.

When David was born I don't know whether this is a coincidence or not, but 2 weeks after he was born Family Planning was made available free on the NHS!!

You know, June daves mother didn't get morning sickness until AFTER Dave was born

Well, Dave was born on 23rd September, which was the same date as a whole host of famous and interesting people – musical celebreteries such as Julio Eglaisis, Bruce spring stein and dancing legends like Fred Astair and Michael Flacherty. So the 23rd must have been a very busy and ambitious day in God's calendar, and very draining on his human talent pool @ which explains a lot about young Dave here.

However even from and early age David did think he had a potential career in music especially with his strong influence being Elton John. show picture

However you can rest assure that Michael flattery and fred astair had no influences on him what so ever as you shall all see when the dancing starts as rarely has anyone hit the dance floor with such little regard for style rhythm and the presence of other peoples feet.

Dave would actually be a great dancer if it was not for two things his feet.

Sorry I am being unfair as David did pick up a few influences from both Michael Flat and fred astair, THERE LOVE FOR SUNTANS.

Hence how over the last few years Dave has inherited a FEW NICKNAMES IN RELATION TO HIS ABNORMAL SKIN TONE, mahogany Forbes, Piz Buin and Ronseal 5 year wood staindoes exactly what it says on the tin.

In all seriousness Dave has progressed and developed an excellent career for him self however in leading up to finding his neish he had a few other ideas that quite frankly I am glad he never pursued.

SHOW PICTURES

HOW THEY MET

Moving on now to how the lovely couple met, Dave was going through a bit of a quiet patch and we were frequenting a high spot in east Kilbride known as centre point, mhairi even to the this days says there eyes met across a thumping dance floor she thought he was handsome from a far but now she just believes hes far from handsome.

There has always been an air of confusion over who kissed who on that fateful night and I have to confirm as I was there that is was Mhairi who indeed kissed Dave first

Dave told me that the moment they first kissed he knew it was puppy love. Her nose was cold

There first date was magical. The moon was out, and so were her parents, I don't think that was all that was out

HOWEVER AFTER THAT NIGHT THERE RELATIONSHIP BLOSSOMED VERY QUICKLY and the inevitable of meeting the in@laws came forever closer

Shortly after being introduced, Kenny asked Dave if his intentions towards his daughter were honourable or dishonourable? Dave was quite surprised by this, as he didn't realise he had a choice. He also promised Kenny that he would keep a civil tongue in his trousers.

POEMS

In Doing my somewhat extensive research for this speech I came across, a couple of poems that sum up the subtle yet consistent differences between men and women and, more specifically, between Dave and Mhairi.

The first is called ‘Moods of a Woman’:

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house,
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, but most of all,
She'll love you like mad.

And now, ‘Moods of a Man’:

Horny,
Hungry

I've been standing up here making cheap gags for quite long enough. But before I sit down and shut up, I have some cards to read out, not too many though as I am quite sure you have heard enough of me and are desperate to eat, I know I am.

CARDS

CLOSE

AND FINALY TO THE CLOSE,

Ladies and Gentlemen , I only have a few minutes left , which I normally reserve for rapturous applause, however on this occassion I would like to finish on this little poem that I think sums up marriage quite nicely

The perfect groom is gentle, never harsh or cruel or mean,
He has a beautiful smile, and keeps his face so clean,
The perfect groom likes children, and will raise them by your side,
He'll be a good father, and husband to his bride.
The perfect groom loves cooking, cleaning and hoovering too,
He'll do anything in his power, to show his love for you,
The perfect groom is sweet, writing poetry from your name,
He's a best friend to your mother, and kisses away your pain,
He'll never make you cry, or hurt you in any way,
Oh sod this stupid poem, because the perfect groom must be gay

FINAL TOAST

Tonight I've been appearing free of charge, and I think you'll find I've been worth every penny of it

Ladies and Gentlemen , I would ask you to please be upstanding , pull the house down with your enthusiasm for this wonderful couple , raise your glasses and join with me in a toast to the two most important people here today…………… I give you the Bride and Groom.

And finally to end, Dave and Mhairi may your wedding night be like a kitchen table, all legs and no drawers.

And

May your love be modern enough to survive the times
but old fashioned enough to last forever.

Thank you