Speech by Gary Dempster

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Gary Dempster
Speech Date: Jul 2001
Hi, I'm Garry, for those of you who don't know me I'm Ron's brother and his best man and it's my honour to share a few moments with you all today.

On behalf of the bridesmaids and flower girls, I'd like to thank Ron for his kind words. And I might just add that his thanks are fully justified, because they have done an incredible job and look stunning. In fact only eclipsed by Beth herself.

When Ron asked me to be his best man, he told me all the stories not to mention.… The words to a bull, rag and red immediately sprung to mind as well as the opportunity to exact revenge for years of physical and emotional torment at his hands. And unfortunately for Ron, Beth has granted me complete artistic freedom and has guaranteed me to life long impunity.

Ron likes to think that his glorified existence to date and his life story would form the basis of a sought after biography, perhaps with a weekly serialisation in The Times or a short television dramatisation even. So before I move on to the juicy stories which are part of any decent best man's tribute, I'd like to give you a history of Ron's life. Ron was born, went to school, got a job and got married – right onto those stories.

Ron was born in 1969, which was the same year as man first landed on the moon. Now this won't seem particularly relevant until you've seen him take to the dance floor for the first dance this evening. 1969 was also the year that concorde made it's first supersonic flight. You may see the connection later when you see the speed of Ron's flight from the bar when it's his round!

A short time later, Ron went to school in Lanark and mistilly recalls that, as with everything else in life, he excelled. Well that got me thinking why not look through mum and dad's cupboards and see if I can find any evidence of this. So, if you don't mind, I'd like to share with you some comments from several of his school report cards.

P3 Robert Owen, Mrs Baxter – Although he trys hard, since my last report, this pupil has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

P7 Robert Owen, Mrs Wilson – I am convinced that Ronald should go far, the sooner he starts, the better.

Third Year, Lanark Grammar School, Mr Miller (Maths) – Despite his enthusiasm, I have formed the opinion that if brains were taxed, Ronald would get a rebate.

Andy Warhol once said,

“In the future, everyone in the world will be famous for 15 minutes”

On that basis, I guess Ron's 15 minutes of fame came on Lanimer Day 1974 at Lanark Racecourse. This came at the age of 5, when Ron appeared the next day on the front page of the local newspaper where they were relaying the story of a two-hour police and fire brigade search for him which ended up with him being rescued by a fireman, three stories up at the top of the racecourse scoreboard.

Dad, who is known to have a little flutter on the horses, likes to think that it was a well planned tactic for his boy to get the best possible view on the racecourse to seek out the best form.

Ron seems to recall it was a necessary manoeuvre for him to escape all his adoring female followers.

Whereas we all secretly know it was done to satisfy his prepubescent experimentation with ropes, men in uniform and a good spanking. Some things never change!

EXHIBIT A (Christmas Tree with Action Man attached)

He continued his experimentation with men in uniform a few years later when he was given a ticking off by the local constabulary for trying to climb up the Christmas tree at the bottom of Lanark High St. He tells me that he was only trying to replace one of the broken lightbulbs….this is even though he was wearing a white tutu, had a pair of wings pinned to his back and a halo above his head.

This leads me onto another interesting series of events of his formative years. If it's true as they say, that marriage is an institution, then Ron should do pretty well because he happens to know a lot about institutions, having spent a lot of time in the local prison for mentally ill criminals!

He tells me that he was doing his bit for the community by playing football with the inmates, thus aiding their ongoing rehabilitation. I actually have it on good grounds that he was actually in there seeking intellectual stimulus by regularly taking on the inmates at knots & crosses and I Spy.

Someone asked me a few weeks ago, did you look up to your brother when you were younger. I thought about this (for about 2 seconds) before stating that I thought Ron had been more a source of persperation than inspiration.

…but I'd hate for you all to think he didn't make an impression upon me. Those at the front should just about be able to make out the 2 inch scar on my head and ..…

Ron being 3 years older than me first introduced me to the finer things in life – beer and women. It was at the age of 16, down at some of Lanark's finer emporiums that Ron demonstrated the art of attracting the opposite sex. Needless to say I spent my teenage years a lonely man.

It was also in the pub that I first noticed that Ron had developed a reputation for being, how shall we put it, not overly generous. I've heard it said that the only difference between Ron and a coconut is that you can get a drink out of a coconut.

EXHIBIT B (picture of Ron flat on back on Monopoly Pub Crawl)

Moving forward a few years to Ron's Stag Doo. I organised for Ron and all his buddies to come down to London for the weekend. The Friday night was spent at a Comedy Club where the only item of significance was Ron's disappearance at the interval after not responding too well in becoming the butt of some of the Stand-up comedian's jokes. Ron was found outside a short while later performing what certainly couldn't be described as a stand-up routine, more a fall down routine with his arms wrapped around two individuals called donna and stella. Fortunately Beth, the two individuals that he was heard making promises of lifelong commitment to were Donna Kebab and Stella Artois!!

At 11am the next morning we embarked upon the Monopoly Board Pub Crawl. This, for those of you who don't know is a marathon expedition around London stopping at a pub on each of the 26 streets on the board to partake in some offerings. Too much consumption the previous night meant that the two old boys in the party (Keith & Ron) were on the back foot from the off. Exhibit B demonstrates Ron's condition at 1pm at the Pint Pot on Pentonville Rd. I'd have to say that Ron not only managed to pass go but avoided going to jail, despite his and Ian's efforts at trying to get us arrested.

Several of my friends have nicknamed Ron “Ronnie shortstraw” for his sometimes apparent ability to draw the short straw. I have to say that in finding and landing Beth, Ron done anything but pick the short straw. He has found a beautiful young woman, who is charming, warm, caring and funny and I'm delighted to welcome you to the Dempster family Beth.

Before I move on to the toasts, I'd like to read out some messages from people who couldn't be here today:

From Ron's friend Andy – Best wishes to you both. P.S. Ron, it's been said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. I hope you realise that anyone who believes that knows nothing about women or fractions.

Ron's friend John – All the best for the future. Sorry I couldn't be there today, but I wasn't invited.

Lanark Rugby Club – We've found Ron to be useless in every position; hope Beth has better luck!

Before I finish, I'd like to thank express some personal thanks.

I'd like to thank both sets of parents. Mum & Dad and Steve & Sue for doing so much to make this day the success it is. Not only for providing the two main participants, but also for laying on this superb wedding. Thank–you.

I'd like also to thank Ron for asking me to be his best man today. It's been an honour and a privilege. I'm proud to be your best man and proud to be your brother and I'd just like to finish off by wishing you and your new wife every happiness for the future.

So Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to ask you to stand and raise your glasses to Ron & Beth, the new Mr & Mrs Dempster. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

To Ron & Beth

School Report Card

Primary 3 Robert Owen, Mrs Baxter – Although he trys hard, since my last report, this pupil has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

Primary 7 Robert Owen, Mrs Wilson – I am convinced that Ronald should go far, the sooner he starts, the better.

Third Year, Lanark Grammar School, Mr Miller (Maths) – Despite his enthusiasm, I have formed the opinion that if brains were taxed, Ronald would get a rebate.

Cards & Telegrams

From Ron's friend Andy – Best wishes to you both. P.S. Ron, it's been said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. I hope you realise that anyone who believes that knows nothing about women or fractions.

Ron's friend John – All the best for the future. Sorry I couldn't be there today, but I wasn't invited.

Lanark Rugby Club – We've found Ron to be useless in every position; hope Beth has better luck!