Speech by Gary Grand

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Gary Grand
Speech Date: sep 2002

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentleman, this is the second time today I have got up off a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Gary “would you like a drink” Grand. Please do not hesitate to call me by my full name at the bar later.

First of all on behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank Paul for his kind words and I think everyone will agree that Lisa, Lorraine and Abby all look fantastic today. In fact in one of photographs with the 3 girls in something did not seem quite right then I realised Paul was in it!

I would like to thank Mr & Mrs Smith or is that Smythe for their gift but I have not given my speech yet so you might want to take it back. Oh by the way does it come with a pump or do I have to provide my own.

Read out any cards of people not there.

It is said that being best man is a bit like being asked to sleep with Anne Widdecombe. It's a great honour but nobody really wants to do it and as Anne wasn't available today, here I am, actually I was honoured as I am sure were the half dozen people he asked before me. I must admit I was a bit nervous about doing this speech today, so I prepared a few lines and having snorted them I'm feeling absolutely fine now.

Just going back to Paul's speech the last time he spoke in front of so many people in a suit, his first words were “ not guilty your honour”.

I have known Paul for about 35 Years, when I first met him at South Walsham infant school I immediately liked him because I was taller than him and had a better haircut my mum had a better-shaped basin then his.

As most of you know Paul is known to his friends as Smudger, so I'll just call him Paul.

STORY OPTIONS
I imagine you are all expecting me to come out with amusing stories of things that have happened to Paul over the years. Well when I thought about what stories I could tell you, several immediately sprung to mind. But then I realized there would be women, children and animal lovers present, so that cut the options down considerable, however a few stories did escape the censor.

LISA'S CAKE
Sometimes in the Best Man Speech it is all about the Groom and not the Bride so I thought I would start off with a story concerning Lisa. Lisa has done most of the organization for this Wedding – with some help from Paul of course – well a little help from Paul, and as you can see, she has planned a excellent traditional wedding. So I said to Lisa you are having a very traditional wedding but the cake is chocolate when traditionally you would have fruit, why is that? Lisa said well chocolate cake is my favourite and besides there will be enough fruitcakes at the wedding as it is.

What can I say about Paul Smith, where do I start? Well I'm going to have to call him Smudger for this speech, as I don't know who this Paul character is.

RABBITS
As a lot of you know Smudger took an interest in the opposite sex at quite an early age. I blame his dad Peter for this, for getting Smudger & Chris them rabbits at the Ship. They started with about 4 and within a few months there was about 60 down there. Paul spent many a happy hour down at the back of the Ship watching these rabbits increase in numbers. Unfortunately I think he took too much of an interest in the length of time it took the buck rabbit to perform – about 2 seconds. This is why he occasionally has a drink or 2 before bedtime, as he does not want to disappoint Lisa. But once again unfortunately he often loses count after 1 or 2 drinks and by the time he goes to bed, Lisa is asleep and he's forgotten what he's gone to bed for in the first place.

ELVIS-CHICKEN POX
When we were about 18 Smudger was going through his Elvis period – he thought he was Elvis, Black polyester shirt, Caterpillar stuck to the side of his face and most importantly he had a Black Renault 5, he was the first one of us to have a car. Now there was a local girl that we all liked but she agreed to go to the cinema with Smudger because he had a car and we didn't or possibly because of his experience with his rabbits I'm not sure on that one. Anyway we were all quite Jealous but we need not of worried as fate had other things planned for Smudger (getting together with Lisa in the future) 2 days before his date Smudger got Chicken Pox he was devastated and someone had to tell this young lady he would not be able to make their date. Unfortunately when I said to her “Smudger can't make it tonight the little thing is covered in spots” she miss understood me and never spoke to him again.

SPAIN-APES-NIGHTCLUB
As most of you know Smudger likes a drink, over the years I have only ever out drunk him 3 times he can probably only remember 2 so I will tell you about the 1st time. It was in the late 80’s and Smudger & I had gone for a 2 week holiday in Spain, Smudger had organized it so when we got to the apartment it had not been cleaned for weeks, no electricity and no hot water but we got £5 off each so that's OK, well that's what he told me. We went to Gibraltar one day, went up the rock in a coach to see the Ape's and have a look round. When we went to get back on the coach they tried to stop Smudger getting back on the coach, but I sorted it. I said to them “Count your bloody Apes you're not missing any”. Anyway one night we were going into a club called the London Underground at the entrance the doorman said “I don't know if he looks alright to come in here” I said “he can't help it he always looks like that” But once we were in Smudger did not feel to sharp and said he was going to go back to our apartment, I decided to stay awhile, after a bit I could see this guy doing a strange new dance (example) he looked like Smudger, it was Smudger, I went up to him and said “what are you doing” he said “thank God you're here I can't find my way out”. What it was, the room had mirrors all round and Smudger was a bit worse for wear and could not see where to get out so he was feeling his way round the room. When I got back to the apartment there he was lying fully dressed on top of his bed well asleep.

FOOTBALL
What can I say about Smudgers football career as Jimmy Bruce would say “ It started off badly and fell away towards the end” If you talk about Upton Sunday or South Walsham football Clubs Smudgers name is not normally far behind as he has over the years been a very loyal club person for both of these clubs, I tried to get some stat's but records did not exists when he started playing, they used brown leather lace up balls and any photo's were black & white but he has certainly played in excess of 500 games for these 2 clubs and scored well over a hundred goals in that time, if either club had an award for clubman of the club Smudger would certainly be in the running for both. Most players are known for a certain part of their game, Smudgers would be the hunchback header (example) he did score with his head once but it is commonly believed that an Upton mole stuck its head up and tripped him. He supports Chelsea but we can't hold that against him and I do believe Lisa is turning him more towards the yellow and green army, as he did go to Cardiff or it could be because when Norwich are doing well he sells more Norwich shirts in the shop. I was going to mention about the match tomorrow but after the last week I won't.

SKING
In later years he has followed me into the world of skiing, it's been the best laugh I've had for years. To begin with he didn't ski down he just fell down the slope, later when he could ski a bit it was like watching a filing cabinet on skies but I must admit he has mastered it now and his skiing is ok. This January we went to Canada with a friend of ours Neal we were warned it would be cold but when I looked at Smudger on the first morning and his nose hair resembled a frosty lawn I knew it was cold. We all got facemasks but had to persuade Smudger not to wear his in bed. But my overriding memory of that holiday was not a skiing incident but one in the bedroom. The 3 of us had a room with 2 large double beds so every night 2 of us had to share, no fun with Smudgers wind problems is it Lisa? We were allocated with 2 fluffy white robes and 2 coffee cups so naturally Smudger and Neal got those. One morning after a few beers the night before I had a bed to myself but was woken too early with this surreal site. Smudger and Neal (who is tall with little hair) were sitting up in bed in their white robes drinking coffee with coffee mate watching Jerry Springer at 8.00 o'clock in the morning. It was like waking up in the middle of a Morecambe and Wise sketch I had to pinch myself to make sure I was not dreaming unfortunately I was not.

WHEN SMUDGER MET LISA
The first time Smudger met Lisa was when he lived at the ship and kicked his football into her garden, when he went round to collect it he said “ hello Lisa” and she said ga,ga,ga and blew a raspberry, Lisa was in her pram at the time. Twenty years later when he finally plucked up the courage to ask her out I thought is this the end of Smudger as we know him, would we see less of him in the pub – no chance. Now I'm sure Smudger was attracted to Lisa for her obvious looks, her great personality and other things that I can't go into with children present. But there were 3 things that I knew would make their relationship a success.

1 Lisa lived opposite the Kings Arm Pub
2 Lisa could drive to other pubs
3 Lisa did not drink very often.

But as time went on it became obvious they were ideally matched and it was no surprise when they decided to buy a house together in Acle and later to get married. In their time together very rarely have I known them to have a crossed word or any stressful incidents – apart from two.

WEEING
One night after a night at a pub, they were just leaving and Smudger was very boisterous and he threatened to wee on Lisa's (pause) window screen. She told him in no uncertain terms what would happen to him if he did. Well Smudger was always one for a challenge so he proceeded to jump on the bonnet and wee all over the screen, now Lisa was not happy and I think he was very lucky to be aloud back in the car but Lisa soon forgave him. But she did tell me that it was the cleanest her screen had ever been. So as I speak Wilco Motor Spares Ltd are in negotiations with Smudger to provide a winter screen wash, it will be advertised as “ Get your window screen Smudgered for a crystal clean screen this winter”.

TITANIC
The other incident which was more stressful then anything else was when Smudger & Lisa did their own version of “The Titanic” Smudger played the part of “Jack” with Lisa playing the part of “Rose”. It was in the evening of dark, wet and wild Sunday one of their all day drinking sessions with Richard and Tracy, they were actually leaving this very place on the way for a last drink at “The White Horse, Croxwick”. As they proceeded to go under a railway bridge they noticed it was flooded, Rose said to Jack I mean Lisa said to Smudger, it looks very deep there could be ice burgs in there, but Smudger said no it will be fine drive on women, so Lisa did – got half way across the engine stopped and the car began to float. Smudger took control of the situation and said he would get out and push the car out. But when he tried to open the door he couldn't something was stopping him – so he pushed a bit harder and found out what was stopping him water – water which immediately gushed in and filled the car up to the dashboard. Lisa & Smudger both jumped out and were up to their waists in very cold flood water, there was a high pitched scream – that was Smudger- inside the car everything was floating there was Lisa mobile phone and all her cuddly toys. Smudger shouted to Lisa “throw me the monkey,” Lisa said, “O Smudger you're going to save him, I love you” Smudger said no I can't swim I want to use him as a float. By this time other people had turned up and Smudger and Lisa waded out. But it was not quite over for Smudger, as when somebody came to tow them out he had to wade back in to attach a rope to the car. Lisa never got over it and shortly after sold the car.

As I said earlier I have known Smudger for 35 years and we have been best friends throughout that time, I believe you normally only have 2 or 3 really close friends during your lifetime. When you are down or having a hard time, which we all do from time to time, that is when you know who your real friends are and he certainly passes that test for me.

In today's society when nothing seems to last forever including relationships sometimes, I think Smudger and Lisa are a sure thing, to me they seem a perfect match and I'm sure that their marriage will last for the rest of their lives. I'm sure you would all like to join me in wishing them all the happiness in the world, this is the first day of what I'm sure will be a fantastic marriage so enjoy it.

Ladies and Gentlemen it now gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Paul and Lisa Mr and Mrs Smith THE BRIDE AND GROOM.