Speech by Gary Honeyman

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Gary Honeyman
Speech Date: Jul2004
Bride and Bridegroom, Ladies and Gentlemen. I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat.…
If I go on too long, Sharon has threatened to cut it.

Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids, the pageboy, and the ushers I would like to thank the bridegroom for his kind words. You know I had a feeling it would be difficult to follow a speech by my brother David, and I was right.…
I couldn't follow a bloody word of it.

When David asked me to be the best man today, I went a bought a book to look up what my required duties should be on the day.

1) Bring a chequebook or credit card for those payments that the groom may have forgotten. Well knowing David's famous organisational skills of old I have had to take drastic measures on that one. I've re-mortgaged the house just to be on the safe side.

2) On the night before the wedding, make sure the Groom is well looked after and gets a good nights sleep. I am proud to be able to report that David slept like a baby last night.… About four and a half hours sleep, waking every thirty minutes crying for his mum.

3) Help the groom dress. A tricky one this, you would have thought that a man of 33 years would be able to accomplish this relatively simple task himself.… But after half an hours struggling I think we've done quite well.

4) Ensure that the Groom uses the toilet (I have to admit to a slight dereliction of duty there – I didn't monitor that one too closely), that he ties his shoes, has his face and hair in order (I did my best there, but as you can see we were probably fighting a losing battle from the start), has nothing between his teeth (or should that be his ears) and has his trouser flies done up. (Lucky he doesn't have any!!!)

5) Bring a medical bag with the following items for emergencies: – Aspirin, Antacid, Deodorant, Valium (Myself and David polished them off this morning)

Looking back at the required duties, then shouldn't our mum be the best man?

This afternoon at the ceremony, I think everyone will agree that the bride looked absolutely stunning…
The groom just looked stunned.

Of course, there is no doubt that marriage is a wonderful thing.
It is supposed to be pure and simple, and that's what we have today.
Sharon is pure, and David is .. well a nice guy.

Now I'm probably in a better position than most, to pay tribute to the groom..…
After all, he's almost been like a brother to me..

And there is nothing I wouldn't do for him, and I know there is nothing David wouldn't do for me. In fact…
We are two brothers who do nothing for each other.

But Ladies and Gentlemen, I've been asked here today to praise David, not to bury him..
Mind you, I must say, the vote was very close.

David has always been very fussy about his appearance..
Now it isn't easy being a slave to fashion when one head is missing off your Donald Duck slippers…
But he does his best.

Today, we see before us a very presentable looking guy, so it may surprise you to learn that it wasn't always that way.…

David was born in 1967, which was also the year that the Dartford Tunnel was opened and the Bee Gees released their first single.
Well they do say that bad things happen in threes.

David was not a pretty baby…
Mum didn't get morning sickness until after he was born.

I don't remember him at School so I asked Mum what David was like, and she told me he was an ideal student, who excelled in most subjects, sorry I think that's supposed to be an idle student who was expelled from most subjects.

At school David found a love of sports. He had a passion about football, but we think that died when he started supporting Fulham, and also loves golf, a sport that he has been playing now for many years..

He gave me a set of golf clubs for Xmas last year and offered me some excellent advice on how to play which has got him to where he is today.
That advice was if you hit a five, you yell fore and write down three.

Actually the only time I've ever hit two good balls together was when I stood on a garden rake, but that's another story..

After finishing school, David decided on a career as an accountant, which we all felt matched his personality exactly.

I'm not saying he's boring but if you see two guys together and one looks bored, he's the other one.

He recently came down with a 24 hour flu, see even a virus can't put up with him any longer than that..

But he met the lovely Miss Harcourt, who has managed to put up with him for slightly longer. And today, seeing David with his wonderful bride, I realise what a good choice he's made..
I really admire his taste..
Which is more than I can say for hers..

Never mind, one thing for sure…
With Sharon by his side, how can he possibly go wrong?

Sharon has some remarkable qualities, one of which – thank goodness- is a well-developed sense of humour.
She'll need that for a start.

She can also be very volatile,
I remember a few weeks ago, after a little disagreement they had, I watched her throw a pile of David's clothes straight out of the window,
Trouble was he was wearing them at the time…

Ladies and Gentlemen,
It is now my pleasant duty to again thank David on behalf of the bridesmaids, pageboy and ushers for his very kind words.
It's been a pleasure to act as spokesman for a lovely group of people.
I'd also like to thank everyone involved with today for the hospitality we have enjoyed this afternoon.
Like everyone here, I wish Sharon and David all the happiness in the world.

As a man who will drink to absolutely anything, I'd be grateful if you would all give me an excuse to raise my glass again by joining me in one last toast to the happy couple..
And this piece of advice to my big brother David,

“To keep your marriage brimming in the ever-loving cup-
Whenever you're wrong – Admit It
Whenever you're right – SHUT UP.

Ladies and Gentlemen..
The new Mr and Mrs Honeyman
Sharon and David.