Speech by Gary King

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Gary King
Speech Date: Jan2007
Intro

Good afternoon everyone, I'm sure you'll agree that this has been a great wedding celebration so far, but every silver lining has a cloud, and that's because you now have to listen to me!!!

My name is Gary, I'm Alan's brother and I'm the Best Man. Today, I feel like I'm gaining a new sister and losing a brother. It is such a mix of emotions: happiness, joy… relief!

So in time-honoured tradition, I will now do my best to give Alan the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable five minutes of Margaret's life will be coming later on this evening, courtesy of Alan.

Before I start, can I just say that the years I spent growing up, sharing a room with Alan means that he had as much of a part in developing my sense of humour as anyone. So, although I have tried to make this speech as funny as possible, please blame Alan if it's not.

I would first like to thank you all for coming today and helping to make Alan and Margaret's wedding such a memorable and special occasion, particularly those who have travelled long distances. Personally, I wish you'd all stayed at home and made my job a lot less nerve wracking.

But if there's anybody here today that feels more nervous and apprehensive than me at the moment, it's probably because you just got married to Alan King.

Accept toast &amp compliment bridesmaids

On behalf of the bridesmaids and pageboys, I'd like to thank Alan for his kind words. I would also like to thank the Bridesmaids for firstly performing their role so gracefully, and for looking fantastic throughout the day. Special thanks should also go to the Ushers who performed their duties fantastically.

Before the ceremony I overheard the Bridesmaids having a furious argument about who was going to be first to dance with the best man. Understandable, I thought – until I got closer and heard them saying, ”You!”, ”no, you!”.

Body

When Alan asked me to be his best man I had to find out about such things as speeches and wedding format. Not having a clue about weddings I went out and bought a book on marriage procedure, which explained it all.

One of my duties was to make sure that Alan got a good night sleep for his last night of freedom and I can assure you all that he that he slept like a baby last night – soiling himself and waking every hour crying for his mum!

I think that Alan for all his bravado has been feeling the same way too. After following him into the toilet this morning, I had to pull this out of the loo. brick!

So, Alan and Margaret have got married, and the vows that they took say for better or for worse, which is funny as Alan couldn't do any better and, frankly, Margaret couldn't do much worse.

I think that you would all agree that Margaret looks one in a million today, as opposed to Alan who looks like he was one in a raffle!

Speaking of Margaret, I would like to say how lovely she looks today – dressed in that fantastic ivory dress. From the looks of things, you won't have any trouble blending in with everything else in the kitchen, Margaret!!

What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where none can say a bad word against him? Well, that's enough about the Best Man. I'm here today to talk about Alan.

So, starting from the beginning, Alan was born on 6th March 1968. I did try to link this with some big world event, but it seems that nothing else happened that day, so I thought I'd best ask our Mum if I could borrow some embarrassing pictures that she might have.

Mum replied &quotOh, do you want one where he's lying naked on the changing mat&quot? But, I'm sorry Alan no company in the UK could blow it up, so that you could actually see anything of any real consequence.

Alan is that older brother who can always run faster, jump further – and stay up later. Following in his footsteps has always been a stretch. I can never forget that he is two years ahead of me, although sometimes I wonder why, with such a head start, he hasn't got further.

This state of affairs has, however, given me the advantage of being able to watch Alan. And I have learnt a great deal from it, and not just from observing Alan's successes. A key advantage of this, in our teenage years, was that by observing Alan I was able to avoid some truly terrible haircuts.

Unfortunately, it seems as though we both seem to be having the same bad hair year this year!!

I think we would all agree that today has been a wonderful day, with the ceremony up at Kilbirnie Church and the meal down here. Being Scottish, I had said to Alan that I thought we should both wear kilts today. However, he was adamant that we were to wear suits, as you can see. I think the reason for this is because even Alan knows that, from tomorrow, Margaret will be wearing the trousers in their house.

Actually, while wondering what to say this afternoon, I couldn't help thinking that it's funny how history repeats itself. I mean 35 years ago Margaret's family were sending her to bed with a dummy …… here they are again today.

I have here a receipt from Margaret's father that Alan has been asked to sign [Produce note]. It reads:

‘Received one daughter in perfect condition, fully guaranteed and warranted. Keep topped up with expensive jewellery and lubricate with champagne and wine. Comes complete with all optional extras’ – my personal favourite is the nurses uniform.

Not to be outdone, Alan's father has a receipt for Margaret to sign [Produce note]. It reads:

‘Received one son, sold as seen, no refund under any circumstances. De-hydrates easily, top up regularly with beer.’

I heard that, very soon after announcing their engagement, Margaret proudly proclaimed to Alan that when they were married she wanted to make love every night of the week. Alan quite obviously! was delighted at this prospect, and said straight away: ”Well, you can pencil me in for Monday, Wednesday and Friday?”

I spoke with one of Alan's colleagues from the MOD police at the stag night, and he told me that Alan is known as God at work. I asked if this was because he sees everything, never misses anything and does everything perfectly? For some reason, he laughed at this, and replied that there were basically 3 reasons for the nickname.

1. You never see him
2. He makes his own rules
3. If he does any work at all, it's a bloody miracle

I was talking to Alan the other day about what he wanted from his marriage, he said, &quotwell, I want to be a model husband. I want to be a model citizen.&quot And he added with a large grin that he also wanted to be a model lover!! Being the na&#239ve chap that I am, I looked up &quotmodel&quot in the dictionary it said &quota small, miniature replica of the real thing&quot!!! Good luck, Margaret.

Yesterday, I had a little chat with Margaret about marriage and how her life is going to change. I spoke about the hours in front of the kitchen sink, the washing of socks, unpaid secretary, social organiser, cook, etc. No need to thank me now Alan, but for the first couple of months Margaret said she'd be willing to help you out with all of these chores.

Summary

Before I finish I'd like to ask Alan and Margaret to participate in the speech now, so if you can both stand up and face each other, and this may well be an excellent photo opportunity for the rest of you!!

Margaret, if I can ask you to hold both hands out towards Alan, with your palms facing upwards.

Right Alan, if you would like place your hands directly on top of Margaret's, with your palms facing down – this is where to take your photos!!

Enjoying that Alan? Make the most of it, it's the last time you'll have the upper hand.

Cards

Before the cards and toasts I would like to share my picture of Alan and Margaret in the morning after the wedding night. Alan will call down to the hotel's room service and order breakfast. For himself he'll order the full cooked breakfast with all the trimmings, while for his new wife he'll order a piece of lettuce and a carrot.

The room service lady will of course be puzzled by this request and ask him whether Mrs King might want something more substantial, to which Alan will probably reply &quotI'm conducting an experiment to see if she eats like a rabbit as well!&quot

I've got some cards to read now, from some absent friends:

1. To Alan and Margaret
Best wishes from Bill and Mary Farkin…and the whole Farkin family.

2. To Alan King,
A loyal and valued customer, our very best wishes to you and your bride.
Will you be renewing your subscription?
Playboy Magazine.

3. From Brian
Best Wishes to Alan &amp Margaret. It has been said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. I hope you realise that anyone who believes that knows little about women or fractions.

Toast

Before I finish, please join me in a toast to some very important people, without whom, tonight just wouldn't be the same. I'm sure all of us will at some point shuffle past them and exchange a few kind words. Ladies and gentlemen I'd like you to raise your glasses……to the bar staff!!

If I may, I'll offer some final pieces of advice to each of you:

Firstly to Margaret –
1 Don't forget, Margaret, that a man is like a tiled floor – lay it right the first time and you can spend years walking all over it.

2 However I don't feel I can stand up here and commit you to married bliss without offering you this one crucial piece of guidance for the years ahead – the remote control is Alan's, and Alan's alone!

To Alan –
1 Don't forget to utter those 3 little word's as often as possible – “you're right dear”
2 Also, the best way to remember your wedding anniversary is of course “to forget it ONCE!”

I'd like to wish you both a very happy marriage, and I hope you have a great honeymoon, which I'm told is that period between ‘I do’ and ‘You'd better’.

Ladies and Gentlemen I started planning this speech a month ago, and you must feel like I have been delivering it equally as long. My final duty is on behalf of the bride and groom to thank you all for coming to share in this wonderful occasion.

I know Alan &amp Margaret will make a lovely couple and I'm sure you'll all agree. So I'd like to ask you all to stand up again, for our final toast.

Here's to the father-in-law's daughter,
And here's to the mother-in-law's son,
And here's to the vows they've just taken,
And the life they've just begun.

Ladies &amp Gentleman, the new Mr &amp Mrs King – Alan &amp Margaret!