Speech by Gavan Anderson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Gavan Anderson
Speech Date: mar 2003
Best Man Speech

Ladies and Gentlemen: My full name is Gavan can I buy you a beer. I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat………if I go on too long Marian has threatened to cut it.

But please feel free to come and say Guddah afterwards at the bar although I'd appreciate it if you used my full name.

A wise man once told me that a best man's speech should last only as long as it takes the groom to make love………thank you ladies & gentlemen – & good evening (Sit Down) (wait a second & then continue)

FORNICATION….Sorry …FOR AN OCCASION such as this I was terrified about making a speech….believe me when I say this is the third time this afternoon that Ive got up from a warm seat with sheets of paper in my hand. But not as bad as Mark. I went into the toilet after him before we went to the Church and guess what was floating in the bowl….(The brick)

I have to say I was in 2 minds when Mark and Marion asked me to be there best man. It's a bit like having sex with Helen Clarke NZ Prime Minister)- a real honour but no-one really wants to do it.

But Ive learnt about the sort of things that I was supposed to do as the best man. I learnt that, up there with the important duties of remembering the wedding ring and getting the handcuffs off the groom at the stag night (which Bambi here didn't even invite me to) was a duty to spend five minutes at the reception demolishing Mark's character.

So Here Goes! Mark was born 28th August 1972.

He'll no doubt want you to know he shares his birthday with a couple of gorgeous blondes, namely Pamela Anderson and Rachel Hunter. But that is definitely all he'll ever share with them. Although as the years have gone by he does seem to be filling out in certain areas of his body, so he and Pammy probably do have something else in common, they could both fill a DD bra.

Mark can be described as Handsome, Witty, Intelligent, Generous, A great sportsman and a ar…ar…Sorry Mark, I'm having trouble reading your writing.

I've always been a bit older than Mark so I was a bit strapped for juicy material. But one of Marks Army mates told me a story earlier about a blind date Mark went on before he met Marion. Mark waited patiently in one of the Pubs in Palmerston North for his blind date to arrive; very patiently as it turned out this girl was late for the date. Finally the door opened and into the pub came two dogs. Now knowing a couple of Marks ex-girlfriends as I do I expect he thought one of the dogs was his date, but as long as he got a shag out of it he wouldn't have minded.

So Mark and Marion have finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as Mark couldn't have done any better and Marion certainly couldn't have done any worse. Actually, during the service today, I couldn't help thinking that it's funny how history repeats itself. I mean 27 years ago Marions family were sending her to bed with a dummy…(pause) and it's happening again today. Note I didn't say sucking on a dummy!!

Still their love seems so pure and simple, Marion so pure, Mark so simple. Mark has indeed found someone special and in all seriousness I can say that now.

I know that Mark and Marion share the same core values and principles and I am sure that their relationship will continue to grow. Mark told me that he thinks of her often when he is away from her – – – especially on Police duty when he handcuffs somebody – I'm not sure what that means, but I'm sure it is sentimental, and I know that no other woman has ever made such an impression.

I'd like to read a couple of well written verses:

To Marion: If you love something, set it free, If it comes back, it was, and always will be, yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses the telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
To Mark: The key to a long and happy marriage it to remember those three little words; You're right dear!

So I'd just like to say Mark, you are a lucky groom; you've married Marion today and she's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring. And she deserves a good husband. Thank God you married her before she found one.

Before the cards and toasts I would like to share my picture of Mark and Marion in the morning after the wedding night. Mark will call the hotel's room service and order breakfast. For himself he'll order one pound of bacon, twelve fried eggs, and two gallons of orange juice. For his new wife he'll order a piece of lettuce and a carrot.
The room service lady will of course be puzzled by this request and ask him whether Mrs Anderson might want something more substantial
To which Mark will probably reply
"I'm conducting an experiment to see if she eats like a rabbit as well!"

I have two cards sent to Mark and Marion from a couple of special people who unfortunately couldn't be here for there special day:

Marion: I never forget the long walks and the longer nights we spent together. Youll always have a place in my heart. All the best for your life with Mark. Love always Brad Pitt.

Mark: It was only one weekend but one I'll never forget. You remember the spa pool don't you- I'll never forget it. If to be happy you need to be with someone else then I understand. All my love- Garry Glitter.

Seriously though- I must say Im thrilled to be here to witness these two wonderful peoples commitment to spend their lives together.

Mark- As an older brother you are supposed to look up to me but more and more the roles seem to be reversed. I must say that seeing you get your NZOM in Government house was the proudest moment of my life. You've met and married a wonderful woman and I can only wish you every success together.

Marion- Mark has always been a man with extremely high standards when it comes to woman. Hence the reason he hasn't had a string of girlfriends. Its great that he has finally met a woman who has proven to be greater than his standards. Welcome to the family-it's a pleasure.

Ladies and Gentlemen- Id like to propose a toast to the Bride and Broom.