Speech by Gavin Crowe

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Gavin Crowe
Speech Date: Mar2003
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. For those of you that don't know me, my name's Gavin, and I have the privilege of being Stephen's best man. I hope that you have all enjoyed the day so for, and I think you'll all agree that at the church and here at the reception this afternoon the bride looks absolutely stunning……………………
and as for Stephen, well, he just looks stunned.
However, in Steve's defence no one can deny that it has been an emotional day. I have even heard a malicious rumour that the cake's in tiers!
They get worse I'm afraid
I would like to start by saying thank you, to Steve and Clare on behalf of the bridesmaids for the kind gifts.
I'd also like to point out how beautiful the bridesmaids look, and of course thanks to the miracles of those suits even the ushers don't look too bad
Now, I'm sure a number of the men here today have been a best man at a
wedding before…but I wonder how many of you have ever received
written guidelines from the bride@to@be beforehand to add to the pressure?
I would like to read you a short e@mail that Clare sent me prior to the
wedding

Show Email.…
Dear Gavin,

I was very pleased when Steve asked you to be best man at our wedding and I instantly knew he had made the right decision.
I have known you for some time now and I cannot think of anybody more charismatic, better looking or downright sexy than you to fulfil this crucial role on our big day.

But…I do want you to remember that this is our wedding day and I
don't want something that you might say or do to spoil it.

With this in mind, please take note of the following and I'm sure we'll all
have a wonderful day:

DO NOT get drunk
DO NOT use bad language
DO NOT tell dirty jokes
DO NOT sing
DO NOT mention Stephen's little problem
DO NOT let Stephen drink Jack Daniels
And finally… make sure that during the reception Stephen keeps his clothes on, as it is a real nightmare getting that huge big beer gut of his into that outfit.
Apart from that you can do anything you want.
Enjoy the day,
Lots of love,
Clare
It was of course a great honour to be chosen as best man. But from the moment Steve asked me, and following Claire's e mail, I quickly realised that the speech would be one of the most challenging parts of the day.
I therefore sort guidance from a number of sources, however the advice given to me by my good friend Mr David Bevis clearly sticks in my mind.
I think it was something along the lines of
“ Gav, if your best mans speech is going to be remotely good, it needs to be like one of my girlfriend Lucy's MINI SKIRTS……SHORT enough to be interesting but LONG enough to cover the ESSENTIALS.…
With this in mind I decided that the most reliable source of information would come from the friends and family with whom he would share this special day.

As a result, I wrote down a few words which some of them used to describe Steve.

A great friend that was mine

Thoughtful, caring, trusting and loyal, which I think you will agree, are all very kind words. In fact surprisingly I barely found a person who had a really bad word to say.

However, I did find some.

Round, Sweaty and Boring Maggsy, Dave, Ben,.

And then when I heard foul smelling, uncouth, grouchy and stubborn I thought hang on that's a bit much………….but if his parents don't know him then who does.

The 8th November 1972 was the date that saw the birth of one Stephen Hammond , one of the many names he's been called over the years. Other choice ones include Roboflop, the incredible bulk and of course The H Man.

Looking at him now you may not believe this, but Stephen was not a pretty baby. In fact, he was the only baby in ………………… to have shutters on his pram!

I did not know Steve during his formative school years, but I'm reliably told by his mum that he was an ideal pupil, who excelled in most subjects.

Erh……………….Sorry I mis read that. It should read

“He was an idle pupil, who was expelled from most subjects”!!!!!!

Fortunately, whilst investigating Steve's school days, I was provided with a number of school reports and I have taken two extracts for you:

Woodwork @ Although very keen, Steve has a distinct problem differentiating between inches and millimetres!!!!!!

Music @ Steve takes a very hands on approach to music, but I wish he'd concentrate his efforts on playing in a band rather than with himself.

Moving on, Steve and I became friends 16 years ago when I joined the legendary and popular ……………………..… college.

As the months passed we realised we had quite a lot in common, for example, we both drove old Italian Rust Buckets with ridiculously loud stereo systems Steve's car was commonly known as Le Palait on wheels.

We both liked accumulating as many points as possible on our driving licences for speeding, and we both thought that the height of cool was bouncing up and down in some of London's night clubs after consuming as much strong lager as possible.

In fact when I think back over the last 16 years I have had the pleasure of being Steve's friend he has always been there for me.

When I had my first car accident, Steve was there
When my 1st girlfriend dumped me, Steve was there.
Whenever I got beaten up on a Saturday night Steve was there.
When I lost my job, Steve was there.
When I recently broke my arm, Steve was there.
Come to think of it Steve………………………………I think you must be a jinx!

After his School and College years spent clubbing in the West End, Steve then went onto study Business at the University in Bristol. There he also developed a number of life long friendships with “ The Veteran”, “Dicko” Stuey Cook and Tight Top Dave

It is here that Steve began to develop his unhealthy infatuation with Excel spreadsheets and the need to document a whole range of useless information and statistics For Example One of Steve's spreadsheet can tell him where the nearest Little Chef restaurant is, regardless of where he is in the UK so that he can always get his regular fix of Olympic Breakfast with ALL the extras,

On graduating Steve has built himself a very successful career in the world of IT.

However, I would suggest that his chosen vocation was not a surprise to everyone, when given the opportunity to leaf through his parent's photo albums

You can see clearly by the types of jumpers he wore, the fact that he liked tucking biro's into his breast pocket, and that fact that on getting his first mobile he regularly clipped it onto his belt that he was developing into a true IT geek.

Despite his chosen geeky profession, I should point out that Steve is an amusing and extremely talkative chap, So much so that if there were an England team for talking, Steve would be Captain, and Olympic champion.

Some of you may also know, that he was my best man at my wedding.

It was on my stag do in the fantastic city of Newcastle that he met his wonderful wife.

If I remember correctly, whilst I was being paraded around in a French Maid out fit, showing off the best cleavage in the Town, Steve spent most of Saturday night discussing his flatulence problems, amongst other things with a very attractive young woman at one of the Newcastle's well@known drinking establishments.

On the journey home on the Sunday, nursing sore heads, Steve spent the 6@hour trip home excitedly babbling about the fact that not only had he met this beautiful and truly wonderful girl, whom he really got on with, But that she was a Doctor, and that as a result his flatulence problem could soon be a thing of the past.

Unfortunately though Science has not advanced that far, but I am pleased to say that Steve and Clares relationship has blossomed, and here we all are celebrating their marriage.

As a result I believe that it is at this point I'm supposed to give some advice to Steve on married life and what lies ahead, so here are a few:

Steve, Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss…and then do everything that Clare tells you

Secondly, never be afraid that Clare will leave you…she's spent a lot of time and effort training you, she's not going to throw that away lightly

And finally, always try and get on with your mother in law. A friend of mine hasn't spoken to his mother in law for nearly 2 years… it's not because he doesn't like her…he just doesn't like to interrupt.

In all seriousness though I would like to say that I consider both Steven and Clare to be a fantastic and close friends, and I am sure that they will continue to have a loving and truly wonderful life together

Now before I conclude my speech, I would now like to read out a message from Steve &amp Clares friends Linda and Derren Maggs, who regrettably could not attend this stupendous event.

Read Note

So, it is on that note I would like to draw my speech to a close.

It now gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the new Mr and Mrs…………., Stephen and Clare.