Speech by Geoff Eaton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Geoff Eaton
Speech Date: Oct 2000
Ladies and gentlemen
If there's anybody here this afternoon , who feels slightly nervous and apprehensive, it's probably because you just got married to Rob Mxxxxx.

For those of you who don't know me by the way, my name is Geoff and it has been my job today to ensure that Rob was not himself. Which basically meant, punctual and sober.

First of all, on behalf of the bridesmaids Jill and Rhianna, I'd like to thank Rob for his toast. They both look fantastic and have done a great job of making today such an enjoyable occasion. I would also like to say how wonderful Troy looks and what a lucky man Rob is. They married today for better and for worse. Rob couldn't have done better and Troy couldn't have done (look down at notes and stumble) better either.

I must say that when Rob asked me to be his best man it was a great honour and since I've been living with my girlfriend for almost a year now, giving this speech is the first chance I've had to hear the sound of my own voice.

It's also great to see Rob letting his hair down today. Especially as over the past few years it's his hair that's been letting him down. He'll be pleased to hear that there is there is now a new treatment for balding men on the market. It doesn't grow hair, it shrinks your head to fit what hair you have left. Which is an extremely good opportunity to kill two birds with one stone where Rob is concerned.

I've only known Rob for a few years so I can't tell you much about his past.

Except the fact that he was in the army for a while. Not because he wanted to see the World but because he wanted the World to see HIM!

I also know that he has a degree in Psychology. And a small selection of others depending on which job he's going for.

I first met Rob when he gave me a job, which incidentally I'm still in, but may well not be by the time I've finished talking about him.

On my first day at work he was very kind, the door to my office is always open he said.
So keep your bloody voice down as you go past.

I soon found out that he was a highly respected man though and around our office he is now known as God. He's rarely seen, holier than thou and if he does any work it's a bloody miracle.

One of my first observations about Rob was how trim he looked as I'm sure you'll agree he still does.

This is down to the 50 push ups he does each day. None of them intentional, he just falls down a lot. As anyone will discover if they spend an evening down the pub with him.

During the first year that I knew him, Rob was living the life of Riley. Unfortunately Riley came home earlier than expected one day and he had to run out of the back door.

Of course all of this changed as soon as he met Troy. His bachelor life style could be summed up in one word. Over.

When they first met, Troy immediately had Rob eating out of his hand, which was extremely useful because it saved on the washing up.

They spent the first few months of their relationship spending almost every moment together, during which Troy used the time to decide if she could do any better.

Of course she couldn't because Rob is such a great guy. In fact he could have had almost anyone he pleased. Unfortunately he just didn't please anyone.

After a few months they decided to move in together and I have to say I've never seen Rob happier.

Of course they do have their little scraps like most people, but never anything series. Nothing three police officers and a team of paramedics can't sort out anyway.

But seriously they are a great couple and I wish them all the happiness in the world. Rob has been both a friend and a mentor to me and I would like to thank him for that. I would also like to thank Michael and Patricia for their hospitality today, I'm sure everyone will agree that it has been a great day so far.

Before I finish I'm told that I have to offer a small piece of advice to Rob and he'll be pleased to know that a successful marriage can be easily compared to his great passion of football:

Be fully committed every week, make sure you score every Saturday and change ends at half time.

Troy has also assured me that playing away from home could result in a serious groin injury and is certainly the quickest way onto the transfer market.

Lastly I would like to present my wedding gift to Rob and Troy. As Rob is no longer the spring chicken that he used to be and Troy has aired some quiet concerns as to his ability to keep up with the pace, I have brought you a years subscription to Viagra.

The doctor said to take no more than one tablet at a time and swallow quickly otherwise you'll get a stiff neck.

Ladies and gentlemen would you please raise your glass and join me in one last toast to the happy couple.

To the new Mr and Mrs Mxxxxx.