Speech by Geoff Hamilton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Geoff Hamilton
Speech Date: oct 2002
Good afternoon everyone. I'd like to start by welcoming you all to this, Sxxxx and Txxx's big day, I know how much it means to both of them to see so many of their family and friends here.

Like most people asked to be the best man I'm a bit nervous about giving this speech. So much so that this is about the tenth time today I've got up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

When Sxxxx asked me to be his best man I was very flattered. Then it dawned on me to that I would have to do this and I was left wishing he'd asked someone else. But, I'm very honoured to be doing this job and in time honoured tradition I'll do my best to give Sxxxx the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of his life which, to be fair, is what he gave Txxxx the night Axxx was conceived.
Rest assured though, unlike most best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised Sxxxx and Txxxx that if there's anything slightly risqué, I'll whip it out immediately.
I've never had to write a speech before so I decided to trawl the internet for a pre-prepared one. In amongst the many, interesting web-sites that I found were plenty of speeches, but sadly none of them were about a couple called Sxxxx and Txxxx who lived in Airdrie. So I ended up having to do it myself,

Another one of the best man's duties is the potentially delicate job of keeping Sxxx's ex's at bay. This wasn't too hard for two reasons, first, there aren't very many of them, and second, because last year's foot and mouth disease took care of most of them.

Another one of my duties was to make sure that Sxxxx made it here on time, well groomed and sober. Well, we made it on time, I think he's sober and, the grooming required a minimum amount of effort.

I first met Sxxxx about thirteen years ago when we were both students at the highly prestigious educational establishment that is, Fife College of Technology. He was studying Promotions & Events Management and it's good to see that what he learned hasn't been wasted. Sadly though, as far as I'm aware, this is the first event that he's organised since. Still, at least it shows he was paying attention.

In those days he was a slightly overweight guy who spent a lot of time doing his hair. As you can see, these days he goes for a low maintenance hairstyle and he's lost a bit of weight. If fact, due to years of running, he has the body of an athlete – unfortunately the athlete in question is an East German shotputter.
Whilst at college, we both, along with a couple of other guys we knew at the time, got jobs as cleaners in the college. This meant getting out of bed a six o'clock in the morning, which as you can imagine, is not exactly conducive to a student lifestyle. However, the hardest part of the job was learning Fife-cleaner speak. Myself and the other guys were all sacked at various times for absenteeism. Sxxxx rarely missed a day and for the best part of two years was just one of the girls.

Some years later, we planned a trip to the World Cup in France to watch another glorious Scottish failure. This trip involved us getting stopped by customs en-route after he decided it would be a good idea to go through passport control wearing Elvis wigs. Needless to say the Belgium customs official took a dim view of this and for a few minutes I thought the rubber gloves were going to come out.
We also spent 13 hours in a Peugeot 106 on a slightly longer than expected drive from Bordeaux to St.Ettienne. The two things I remember most about this drive were, Txxxx, don't ever let him drive if you're in Europe. During the one-hour we let Sxxxx drive, we almost died twice. Of course, he blamed French drivers and us for distracting him. The other thing that sticks in my mind most, and I'm sure Sxxxx will agree, is that Wxxxx Dxxxx has the worst taste in music ever. It was worth it in the end as we all had a good laugh watching Sxxxx, fully kilted up, and wading through the fountain in the square in traditional Tartan Army style.

On a more recent football trip abroad, we went to Brussels to watch Scotland not qualify for the last World Cup. If any of you have been to Brussels you'll know that it's a very beautiful city full of culture. One area of the city centre is full of open-fronted restaurants where the locals go to enjoy a plate of seafood in the sunshine. After an overnight stop in Amsterdam, we were feeling a bit ropey and so decided to have a walk around, rather than go straight to the pub. Sxxxx was looking particularly rough and whilst we were going past a nice looking restaurant full of Belgians enjoying their lunch, a passing seafood platter sent him over the edge and he proceeded to throw up in the street in front of all the diners. Kxxxx and I, being the good friends we are, pretended we hadn't noticed and just kept going.

The New Year before last Sxxx told me that him and Txxxx were going to have party. He'd spent ages preparing food and was particularly fussy about the music that was due on. Anyway , as if to remind me of our college days he actually managed to pass out just as the party was beginning and had the embarrassment of asking us the next day if his party was any good.

I should say a few words about the stag do. You probably know that we went to Amsterdam a couple of weeks ago where we went to smoke, err, sample some European culture. As you can imagine, we were all drinking quite a lot. When we needed a break we'd go and have a look round the shops. It's amazing what you can get from a shop window these days. The stag do passed off incident free though, although I kept getting complaints about the lack of interesting films on the television. Someone even suggested that I should've checked when I made the booking. Gxxxx.

I've got a few cards to read out.

Dear Sxxxx,
I'll miss our nights together at the pool. All the best.
Michael Barrymore. Awight!

Dear Sxxxx,
I hope it all goes well. If you need anymore fashion tips just let me know.
Good luck for the future, Kojak.

Dear Sxxxx,
Sorry I couldn't be there on your big day but a girl's got to work.
Best Wishes, Joyce. Amsterdam.

Seriously though, despite slagging him off a bit I think it's fairly obvious that Sxxxx and I are best of friends and I know he's found everything he wanted in Txxxx and Axxxx.

So it gives me great pleasure, not to mention relief, to ask you all to raise your glasses in wishing the new Mr & Mrs Lxxxx many years of happiness.
The bride and groom.