Speech by George Buchanan

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: George Buchanan
Speech Date: Sep 2001
Hello everyone, for those who don't know me, my name is George; I'm G*’s best man today!

Thank you

First of all, on behalf of G* and S*, I'd like to thank everyone for coming today to celebrate their special day. Personally I wish you'd all stayed at home so I didn't have to do this!

On behalf of the bridesmaids H* and D* I'd like to thank D* and G* for their kind words.

I'm sure all of you would join me in thanking all of those involved in organizing today, the service was great, the food was fantastic and I'm sure tonight will be even better!

Someone once said that being asked to be a best man is like being asked to make love to the queen mother – it's a great honour but nobody wants to do it! But seriously, I was delighted to be asked by G* to be his best man. I must admit though, I'm very nervous. I read somewhere that the best way to calm your nerves whilst public speaking is to imagine your audience naked. I don't know about you, but the thought of over 70 naked people sitting staring at you does not calm my nerves! So, please bear with me.

Cards

Before I start, I'd like to read out a few cards.

“Good luck to G*, our best customer” from all at The Duff Beer Company, Springfield.

Here's one from all the guys who play football with G*: “we've found G* to be useless in every position, hope you have better luck, S*!”

Speech

At this point in the speech I get to extract urine from G* for the sake of a few cheap laughs (at least I hope you laugh!).

How do I know G*? Well we met in primary school when we were both 5 years old, so that must be about, what, 16 years now… (Give or take a decade!)

Those of you who know G* know he has 3 passions:
1. S* (the reason we are all here today)
2. Partick Thistle (hence the location!) and you've guessed it
3. Beer

Luckily, Mr. and Mrs. * both know all about this love of ‘a few beers’. There was the time when he arrived at the * household one evening in a taxi. He was absolutely drunk out his mind, covered from head to toe in mud and didn't have a bean in his pocket. D* had to pay the taxi, and then had to practically carry G* indoors and upstairs, then actually had to put him in a bath! Talk about getting to know your future son-in-law!

Then there was the time when the *’s thought there was a burglar in the house. It was the middle of the night and everyone was fast asleep, tucked up in bed when there was a huge bang! They rushed out to see who was there. Instead of a guy dressed in black with a swag bag over his shoulder, they found a very drunk G* lying at the bottom of the stairs on his back like an upturned turtle as naked as the day he was born! I'm surprised they're still talking to G*, never mind allowing today to happen!

Now, I'm not sure you all know this, but G* was recently promoted at work. He is now the Assistant Head Green keeper at * Golf Course. I'm sure you all agree this is great! It must have been all his hard work and dedication. He was telling me a while ago about a day at work. Apparently, G* and a couple of colleagues were passing the time by hiding behind walls and bushes, then jumping out to give passing sheep the fright of their lives! As you do! Now, the boys were happily passing away a few hours scaring the sheep when G* spotted a jogger in the distance. And with a wee chuckle, the guys hid behind the nearest wall and waited. As the jogger passed by, G* jumped out and shouted Boo at the top of his voice! Naturally, the woman almost had a heart attack. Luckily, she pulled herself together and proceeded to kick G*’s arse up and down the fairway! So there was no harm done.

Advice

Traditionally, the best man passes on a piece of advice about wedded life – so I'll have to pass on something that I read. This is a piece of advice that most of the married men in this room will all have learnt themselves. The best way to remember your anniversary G* is to forget it just once!

At this point I would like to ask G* and S* to participate in this speech. S* if I can ask you to place you hand flat on the table . . . now G*, place your hand directly on top of S*’s… Take a deep breath and enjoy the moment G*. This is the last time that you will ever have the upper hand.

Toast

Finally it gives me great pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses.

G* and S*, I am sure everyone here today would like to wish you good health, happiness and a wonderful life together.