Speech by George Ellis

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: George Ellis
Speech Date: 11/06/2012 11:31:30

Ladies and gentleman, thank you and good afternoon. For those of you who don't know me, my name is George and I am Paul's best man.

For all those who do know me, well, I can only apologise.

Are we all having a good time? Don't worry, I read somewhere that a best man's speech should last as long as the groom does in bed…so thank you ladies and gentleman.

Firstly I'd like to congratulate Paul on a truly magnificent speech. I always knew it would be difficult to follow one of your speeches, and I was right…I couldn't follow a bloody word of it!

I would like to thank everyone for coming and sharing Paul and Val's special day, I would like to say how beautiful the bride and bridesmaid look today, and to thank Tracey as she completed her main job admirably, which was getting Val here on time – no mean feat, as I understand she put up quite a struggle.

Now I'm sure you'll all agree that Val looks absolutely gorgeous today…so I can safely say, speaking for all the men in the room, that it's a very, very sad day, because another beautiful intelligent girl is officially off the market…

And Paul I think I can speak for all the girls in the room also… when I say that today is just another day…

Now as best man I have but a few duties…

The first was to get him there on time, by making sure he got a good night's sleep before the wedding. Well, I can assure you he slept like a baby – he wet the bed twice and woke up every hour crying for his mum.

The second was to get him here looking presentable with his face and hair in good order. Unfortunately, God didn't get this right first time round so what chance did I have?

Anyway, like Linford Christie wearing a thong, there's a lot to fit in so let's crack on!

You know during the service today I couldn't help thinking its funny how history repeats itself. I mean it was 36 years ago that Bren and Jean were sending their daughter to bed with a dummy…and it's happening all over again today.

I tried to link Paul's birth date to some major world event, but it seems that nothing much else happened that day…although the hospital staff still refers to that day as “Ugly TUESDAY”.  In fact Paul was the only baby in Liverpool to have shutters on his pram!

You know, Jean didn't get morning sickness until AFTER he was born!

So Paul and Val, you're now married, for better or for worse. Which is quite appropriate really as Paul couldn't have done any better, and Val couldn't have done any worse.

In fact it was William Shakespeare who said “love is blind” and looking at Paul, we know this is true…

No one was happier than I was when Paul met Val; seeing their romance blossom was like watching a fairytale unfold,  ‘Beauty And The Beast’ springs to mind…obviously.

For those of you who don't know already, Paul is a little older than Val, six years to be precise. Now Paul first met Val when he was 19…that's right do the maths…and I'll never forget that he was worried about meeting her and kept asking  “Have I got enough sweets to go with these puppies”…

They were young at the time, so when Paul and Val got back together. Paul told me that he took Val to a hotel, wined and dined her, then the next morning he ordered breakfast A really big full English for himself but said he ordered Val just some lettuce, carrot and cucumber, I was baffled and said why would you do that? And he said to see if she ate like a rabbit as well.

You are all aware that Paul and Val have been living together for a while now, and the house has required a little bit of DIY work over the past couple of years…However, in order to get the house looking good he assures me that over the past couple of months he and Val have been banging and screwing at every opportunity. Oh no, sorry, that was just Val, he's been in Turkey.

At least Val stuck around, as Paul's first love Camille emigrated to New Zealand after their first kiss, it must have been bad…granted he was only five.

Now, growing up, Paul was a slow starter at Riverdale Primary School, he was different from all the other five year olds in his class. He was 11.

In maths, although very keen, Paul had a distinct problem with differentiating between inches and centimetres –  I think he still has the same problem today

He was never a very popular child and I remember Jean and Tommy, Paul's mum and dad, they had a big German Shepard dog, and had to tie a bone round Paul's neck, just so the dog would play with him.

Talking about that dog…it was a horrible dog that! Paul and I used to go to the match a lot as kids as Paul lived in Norris Green so we would meet at his and get the footy bus to Anfield, then back to his after the match. I hated that dog and I'm pretty sure the dog hated me. It came in the living room one day and lay down in front of the couch were I was sitting and it fell asleep on my foot for 2 hours, and Paul refused to move it, just sat there laughing, I had pin & needles, cramp, the lot…so you could call this speech revenge!

When Paul asked me to be best man I was honoured and told him that I won't let him down. Although he did have one rather unusual request, he said that he had a secret drawer that Val knew nothing about, and that he couldn't bring himself to empty it as it contained momentums of his previous liaisons and younger years.

Now I'm going through this drawer and as best man my eyes lit up, and thought it would only be right that I share some of my findings with you.

*Put box on table…*

Now what I'm going to pull out of this box ladies and gentleman maps Paul's life out.

– Pair of big knickers.

– Bring out a pair of Y fronts saying Paul's experimental stage….

– Show the head of a doll and say Paul's lonelier times. As putting it back in ask if there are any single men here as I can fix them up with a hot date.

– Have something vibrating in the box and say sorry that was from Val's drawer.

– Pull out a video cassette and say “Not one for you've been framed”

– Pull out edible candy bra.

Best not show you anymore or this will be the shortest marriage in history.

Paul always seemed to have a funny line for certain occasions. Like when we went to a wedding for one of Linda's friends, and there was a book there to sign and leave messages. Paul wrote ‘thanks for a great time last night didn't realise you were so flexible’…Or the time we were on the corner of Radway Road and Knowsley Lane, and there was a skip on the road by the bus stop…Just as we got to the corner a bloke on a bike was cycling past and so soft lad here decides to shout “eh mate do you know your back wheel is following your front” the bloke turns to shout something back to us, doesn't see the skip. Hits it and lands half in and half out of the skip…as you can imagine the two of us are standing there wetting ourselves…until he turns round and starts chasing us… for 35 minutes he chased us all around Longview. We ended up hiding in Janet Smith's entry….which was ironic really  as Paul went back a couple of years later to see Janet Smith's entry.

There was the time we went to Wembley for the FA cup final, and he fainted in the heat…Worked out well though as we got to watch part of the match at pitch side.

We had a New Years eve party in our house, and at midnight, Paul was a little drunk, and was in charge of letting off fireworks. He lit a huge rocket and stood back. Now everyone knows not to return to a lit firework, everyone except Paul that is. He went back knelt down and as he leaned over the rocket, it sets off smacks him in the chest, burning his new leather coat that Tommy and Jean had got him for Christmas and then flies straight into our neighbours garage, and set it on fire.

As a married man myself I thought I would give you some advice Paul – 

Firstly Val can you put your hand on the table. Paul can you place your hand on top on hers. Now that you are married this will be the last time that you will have the upper hand.

Set the ground rules and establish who is the boss, then do everything Val says.

Remember the three little words all women love to hear…”You're right dear”!

It is important to get on with your mother in law…I haven't spoken to mine for two years…Not because I don't like her…I just don't like to interrupt.

Now I have a message from all the lads at football: ‘Paul is useless in all positions but we hope Val has more luck with him later’…not sure what they mean but anyway…

Finally I hope that Paul & Val really enjoy their 2 week honeymoon in Wales. Well I think that's where they are going as Paul said he was going to Bangor for two weeks.

I am now going to ask everyone to join me in raising their glasses to the happy couple, may the future be filled with fond memories, happiness and laughter. To the happy couple.