Speech by George Fairley

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: George Fairley
Speech Date: Oct2004
Like most people asked to be Best Man I am a little nervous about giving this speech. So much so this is the 23rd time today I have got up from a warm seat with some sheets of paper in my hand. Having said that I don't think I was as anxious as Raymond as I followed him into the toilet earlier and found this (produce brick)

Now, I asked around for an idea of how long my speech should last and the general response was about as long as it takes the Groom to make love. So with that in mind, thank you, you have been a wonderful audience (sit) (get back up)

Pam you look absolutely gorgeous today, and Raymond WELL you can't even see the tape that holding back his ears

On behalf of the Bridesmaids I would like to thank Raymond for his kind words. I'm sure you'll all agree that they look absolutely stunning and have carried out their duties to perfection. Thank you too from myself for finally admitting that I am the Best Man

THE UPPER HAND
I have to say Raymond, you have married a beautiful, intelligent, talented and exceptional woman.
I have to say, Pam, you have married Raymond!
Now – I'm sure a number of the guys here today have been a best man at a wedding before (pause) but I wonder how many of you have ever received written guidelines from the bride to be?!!!!
I would like to read you a letter that Pam sent me prior to the wedding…(produce Letter)

READ LETTER

PAM – Pillar of community

When Raymond told me he was wearing his kilt I thought I would get a new one the same as his, so I rang him up to ask what's the Tartan and he said he she was wearing a dress!

As you know Raymond & Pam own the Village Shop & Holly Inn in Ratho, so I asked their staff what kind of a boss he was?
They said Raymond is known as God: –
You never see him
He makes his own rules
If he does any work it's a bloody miracle.

Now I'm not saying Raymond is miserable, but He came into the pub to buy a pack of fags……………….…

I'd would like to offer Raymond & Pam some advice about marriage.

Live each day as if it were your last … and each night as if it were your first.

You have exchanged your wedding rings today, but there are more than 2 rings to a marriage

…..the suffeRing,
…..the enduRing
…..and the tortuRing!

Raymond, always remember to tell her those 3 little words…..… "You're right dear".

There are two things that are vitally important for a successful marriage. They are honesty and wisdom.
Honesty – no matter what happens, no matter how adversely it may affect you – always keep your word once you have given it.
Wisdom – never give your word!!!
And finally

Make sure you know the difference between Vasoline and Putty. You'll know when you've got it wrong because …your windows will fall out ..… but that will be the least of your problems.

Telegrams/Cards

To a loyal and valued customer, our very best wishes to you and your bride. Will you be renewing your subscription?
Big & Bouncy magazine.

Toast

I am going to finish now because I worried about my throat ….… If I go on any longer Pam will cut it.

I would like you to join me in wishing the new Mr & Mrs Fairley many years of happiness
Ladies & Gentlemen, please be upstanding to drink a toast to Raymond & Pam
The Bride & Groom.