Speech by Geraint Flowers

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Geraint Flowers
Speech Date: 26/04/2012 15:26:53

1. IntroductionI hope you are all enjoying what has been a brilliant wedding celebration, unfortunately every silver lining has a cloud, so here I am.

A wise man once told me that the best mans speech should last as long as it takes the groom to make love …..Thank you very much ladies and gentleman

For those of you who don't know me I am Geraint and I have the dubious honour today of being Steven's best man. Hovering in the background as they have expertly done all day are the 2 ushers Martin and Mark (sounds like they are a couple doesn't it!) – They will be lending some assistance during my destruction of the character of Stephen Soper

Why do I need some assistance from the ushers? Well its as the man in Dyfed Menswear said when I was having this suit fitted – “There's a lot to fit in”.

It was a great privilege to be asked by Soper to be his best man and I obviously accepted the offer without hesitation. There's nothing I wouldn't do for Soper, likewise there's nothing Soper wouldn't do for me, in fact we spent most of our time doing nothing for each other.

My main responsibility for today was to ensure that the groom arrived on time, relaxed, and looking good. It was a difficult task because after all, I'm best man, not a plastic surgeon!So Steve and Charlotte you've finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as Steve couldn't have done any better and Charlotte couldn't have done any worseNow ladies and gents I am going to ask for you to bear with me today as we have some technology that I will be using to assist me in telling the Story of Steven Soper. You will notice the big screen behind me, from time to time images will flash up which is why we am going to darken the room slightly.

2. Some preliminaries to get out of the way – Thank you's CharlotteLadies and gentlemen – a vision of style and grace and incandescant in her beauty on this most wonderful day – I give youMiss Charlotte SoperCharlotte, can I just say you look stunning. Steve – you just look stunned!The MotherThe bridesmaids, who I'm sure everyone agrees look beautiful today and have done a great job making sure Charlotte was ready for the big day – Amelia, Melissa, Grace, Rebecca, Anna, Dion and Evie!! (Look for a round of applause for remembering names.

Secondly to the Ushers who have been nervous and stressed in the weeks and months leading up to today, and after all who can blame them? Who else would want to the hugely difficult job of showing people to their seats!!!!!

I would also like to thank you all for coming and for the gifts that you have generously donated for the happy couple and for helping them celebrate this wonderful occasion.

And finally to the staff here at the Manor Park for pulling out all the stops helping to make this day truly special for us all3. Sopers Life Story

Now, in preparing this speech, I read that it's traditional for the best man to embarrass the groom, but I thought “where's the challenge in that?” Soper manages to embarrass himself without any help from anyone.So lets talk about Soper the brand! Perhaps it best to start with some interesting facts:

Stephen Brett Soper was the second of 3 children born 1979. (turn to Soper's parents) Brett/Linda – It must seem like such a long time ago now so I though I would remind us all of some of the key events in this seminal year in human history:o The Sony Walkman was launched o John Wayne died o The first official British nudist beach was opened in Brighton o Margaret Thatcher became Britian's first female prime minister o Punk rocker Sid Vicious was found dead in New York o Mother Teresa won Nobel Peace Prize o And probably most appropriately to Steve was that Y.M.C.A. was the top selling hit of the year

I could also tell you that Soper shares his August 8th birthday with some famous people who have very similar virtues to him like:o Ladies favourite Ryan Gosling (ask for OOs)o Intense and charismatic actor Dustin Hoffmano Super talented mega athlete Roger Federero Historical paragon of trust and virtue – King Richard the Lionhearto And Legendary sex God love machine and “adult movie star” John Holmes!4. Stories

Story 1 – Life In picturesNow when I started also looked through some photographs to jog my memories of Soper. I did find one that was a particularly lovely photo of Soper at the seaside, sitting on a donkey, face painted like a clown, with an ice cream in one hand, candyfloss in the other. I was going to show you all today, but thought it would be a little bit embarrassing – mainly as it was only taken in July this year.

Seriously though, Sopers mam Linda was kind enough to loan me some photos of Steve to help with my speech preparation and after having looked through them, I was only disappointed that couldn't show them at the wedding. Then I thought, hang on – I can!

Roll CameraStory 2 – Lock Jaw – When we were around 18-19 years old, Steve used to suffer from Lock Jaw. For those of you who don't know, this is an affliction which renders the victim unable to speak properly as their jaw goes beyond its natural scope of movement (say through yawning) and actually locks in the open position.Now Steve must have had a weakness in his jaw because this had happened several times previously and after 2-3 visits to the hospital, the nurses had shown him a simple technique to pop the jaw back into place should it happen in the future.However –They hadn't reckoned with him being unable to remember exactly what this method was when he was steaming on a Saturday night.In true Soper fashion, the incident occurred at the most inappropriate time – at about 1am in the morning when he was at his drunkest. I remember standing there in a Neath bar when Steve approached me frantically gesticulating to his face and making incoherent noises of panic (Impression of Steve with lock jaw)

When I got over my mirth I called the boys together and (when they had gotten over their mirth) we thought we had better try to do something about the problem. All of us tried to help him to pop the jaw back, but to no avail. Steve then managed to communicate to us that the best course of action would be to get him to a taxi to take him to the hospital and (spurning our help) marched off to the taxi rank.

The next part of the story is unconfirmed in terms of eye witnesses but we were later informed by an embarrassed Steve that this is what transpired:Steve marched up to the first taxi in the queue and said to the driver (Impression of Steve saying something incomprehensible). With a look of pure panic on his face, the driver launched into first gear and sped off into the night rolling up his window as he went. The same happened with the next taxi and by the time he reached the 3rd one he already had his window done up and was ignoring Steve.

Seeking a solution to his burgeoning problem, Steve decided that his next course of action would be to pay a visit to the nearest kebab shop where he managed to “sign” to the owner that he needed a pen and paper to write down his predicament. “Take me to the hospital” was apparently what it said.

Stubbornly refusing to be beaten, Steve returned to the taxi rank brandishing his paper like a high level government security pass. Sure enough his ploy worked, and the taxi driver took him to the hospital where he dropped him off to have his jaw seen to.However, legend leaves us with one further piece of comedy gold as when the taxi driver drove off he was rumoured to have said – “he spelt hospital wrong!” Story 3 – The StagNow I know that the law of the stag prevents me talking about the detail but I would like to give you 2 wonderful pearls of comedy from each of the nights of the stag party in butlins Minehead Firstly:Some of you may have been to Butlins and if you have, you will know how similar the surroundings are with row after row of chalets which makes it easy for a normal sober person to lose their way in the daylight. So you can imagine how difficult it would be for a dopey drunken groom from Neath who had never been there before! (Point at Soper)

So picture the scene, its 9pm on the Friday night and we have returned to our rooms to get changed and there is no sign of Steve. We are all madly searching for him and suddenly Fish receives a text from Chalrotte: (Fish rolls up first PP slide and reads Charlottes text from the Stag)“Hey its charlotte, will you go and find Steve please, he has said he is by the check in place. He doesn't know where he is and has lost all the boys. He has dropped his phone down the toilet and lost his shoe Thanks”

Secondly:And I will refer to the Power Point once again here. On the Saturday of the Stag we gave Steve and his 2 ushers a list of tasks to undertake in his last proper weekend as a single man. The tasks were difficult but achievable and he had a 1 hour time frame in which to carry them out. ROLL CAMERAFirst of all can I remind you all that the theme of the Stag was to dress as 1970’s Welsh rugby players (show photo)And here were his tasks:1. Get a photo of Soper kissing an OAP – On the cheek will suffice (Show photo)2. Get a photo of Soper having a handshake with a Butlins Redcoat (Show photo)3. Get a photo of Soper posing as a rock star(Show photo)4. Find an Englishman to scrummage! (Show photo)5. Get a photo of Steve riding a bike(Show photo)6. Get a photo of Steve scoring a goal(Show photo)7. Get a picture of Soper climbing a tree(Show photo)8. And finally – A picture of Soper coming down a slide(Show photo)

What do you think everyone – Did he manage it????

5. MessagesNow for some messages from some treasured people who couldn't make it to this auspicious occasion.Lap DancersSoper good luck on your wedding day, you are sorely missed and we thank you for all your loving words, your undivided attention and your unbelievable generosity on that weekend. Lots of love from all the girls at Wildcats Lap Dancing Bar ButlinsFootball TeamThere is also a card from the boys from Caewern football club. It says,.… ‘Soper was useless in all positions and all we can do is hope that Charlotte has more luck with him ‘..… not sure what that means but anyway…

6. Some Words of advice:Now as a man of the world I would like to share a few words of wisdom for the new happy couple:-Charlotte -The 5 key tips to a successful marriage.1. A man who will treat you right and always stand by your side2. A man who will shower you with gifts and compliments3. A man who will comfort you in times of trouble.4. A man who will please you and grant your every request5. Ensure that each man does not know the other ones names.

Steve:Caught up in the wave of love and happiness as you are today, it may be very difficult to believe that in many years of married life you have ahead of you there may be times when you may (and I stress may!) have the odd argument. Some times when (God forbid) Charlotte may get on your nerves! If that is ever the case, I would like you to remember this religious story:

The Creation of Woman One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, ‘Lord, I have a problem.’ ‘What's the problem, Adam?’, God replies. ‘Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy’ ‘Why is that, Adam?’, comes the reply from the heavens. ‘Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.’ ‘Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘woman’ for you.’

‘What's a ‘woman’, Lord?’ ‘This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.’, replies the heavenly voice. ‘Sounds great.’ ‘She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.’ ‘How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?’, Adam replies. ‘She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.’

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, ‘Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?’ The rest, as they say, is history.

7. ToastTurn to SoperSoap's – After having decimated your character for the last 25 mins I will now offer you a glimpse redemption.You are a superb man. Honest, caring, hardworking, funny, reliable, loyal. I know that you will make the best husband that Charlotte could wish for. We have been the best of friends almost since we were born and I know we will be the best of friends until we die. I can give you no greater compliment than to say you are the top man (raise your glass)Ladies and Gentlemen / Boys and Girls……It now gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to be upstanding, raise your glasses and join me in a toast to the new Mr and Mrs Soper, Charlotte and Steve – who were made for each other and the very very best for your future life together so”Let's drink to love, which is nothing – unless it's divided by two