Speech by Gerard McGovern

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Gerard McGovern
Speech Date: 02/01/2015 23:04:30

Ladies and gentlemen, you will be glad to hear that I am the final obstacle between you and even more alcohol.

I recognise my place here; a best man is similar to a dead body at a funeral. Of course you are expected to be there but if you say too much then people freak out.

My journey to best man has not exactly been easy. To be fair to Lee, he did not have an easy task in picking a best man. The competition was fierce.

First, he called his most handsome friend. And they said no.

Next was his most intelligent friend. Again, the answer was no.

Getting disheartened, he asked his most trusted friend. For the third time it was no.

Then he called me, and I said Lee, it would be cruel to say no for a fourth time.

Being serious for a moment, there are a few pieces of housekeeping that we need to get out of the way.

Many people have asked what the story is with the table plans. I can now reveal that the further you are seated from the top table, the less you spent on a wedding present. The couple who bought the loom bands are sitting in the car park.

I have also had a request from the mother of the groom, Sue Bayliss. For those that know Sue you will all know that request and demand are virtually synonymous.

She has asked, in quotation marks, now that Lee is off the market that could all his ex-partners please return  the keys to his house.

Long line of girls 

Hecktor.

Ian.

On behalf of the bride and groom I would like to again say thank you to everyone here for being part of their day. It goes without saying, but I will say it anyway, that they are both so touched that so many of their closest friends have made the journey here to Iscoyd.

A special mention must be given to Rob who has flown all the way from Melbourne. Please give that man a hearty round of applause. Everyone else in this room has also had their own unique journey, especially given we've had to come to Wales.

There were some people who couldn't make it, and they send their congratulations. Charlie (nephew), Helen (friend), Blanche (neighbour), Mike, Michelle, Kirsten, Paul, William, Zachary, Jodie, Neil, Chester, Neve and Teresa (cousins)

Dee and Claire. Firstly may I may how gorgeous both of you look and any single guys out there, they are on all the popular dating websites. They are both in committed and loving relationships but also on all the popular dating websites. Many people are lucky enough to have one best friend but Kate has cleared been blessed with two. You were everything Kate could want from her bridesmaids; you have kept her calm despite some very challenging circumstances and made sure she got to the church on time. Thank you both so much.

The ushers, often one of the most underrated part of a wedding. I like to think of them as a bidet; no-one really knows what they do but they add a touch of class. Hektor, Sirat, Jamie, Saber and Andew, you were stellar and thank you from Lee and myself.

John and Jacqui. By a strange coincidence that is also the name of my in-laws so to save time I am going to use the same part of the speech we used at my wedding.

Thanks for paying for the wedding and sorry for getting your daughter pregnant

John and Jacqui your hard work and dedication in everything you've done to make this day one that Lee and Kate will cherish for a lifetime is above and beyond the call of duty. John, Jacqui, everyone here has been touched by your warmth, kindness etc. And more importantly, you have raised a daughter who is a credit to you both.

Remember you are not losing a daughter merely the chance for her to marry a millionaire.

Sue and Roy. You did the best with what you had. You have raised a son who on the whole you can be proud of and when he couldn't be a good example to others, he was at least a horrible warning. Like John and Jacqui you have also put in an enormous amount of work to make this day so special. You also have been a second family to me and I will try to say thank you without reducing us both to tears.

Lee. Lee Bayliss. You now have a beautiful and talented partner for life. Someone to share the highs and bring comfort during the lows. A person who will make each day worth living and be the source of many wonderful memories for years to come.

And Kate, you now have … a really nice ring.

Kate, you deserve someone a man who is your equal. A man who is always there for you and cares for you like no other can. A man who will love you, protect you and encourage you. A true soul mate without whom life would not be the same. Luckily for Lee, he has married you before you had the chance to meet this perfect man.

When starting to write this speech, I followed a tried and tested path that I use throughout my life; have a look on Google and steal other people's work. The advice I found was:

One in three marriages end in divorce so save the money and stay at home.

I would just make the speech in the form of a eulogy since his life is basically over.

This pretty much set the tone for the level and quality of advice. I did find one useful nugget which I never knew before. According to Wikipedia, which therefore could mean this is a lie and completely made up, the reason why a bride wears white is because it is a sign of happiness. That would of course explain why the groom is dressed in black.

Traditionally in his speech, the best man will tell all kinds of amusing stories about the groom. Stories about the adventures they've had, and the trouble they've gotten into together. I'm not going to do that for three reasons.

First, we are only allowed at stay until 1am. In terms of stories about Lee that would get us to about age 16.

The second reason is that the goal of telling these stories is usually to embarrass the groom in front of his friends and family. Allow me to assure everyone here that Lee is more than capable of embarrassing himself without any assistance, and he's much better at it than I could ever be.

There is also another problem. I'm sure you are all aware of the phrase “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?”. Well, there is a similar one for Stag Weekends. To paraphrase, it goes “What happened on Lee's stag weekend … is subject to an ongoing court case”. Lee's in court next month and to be fair, I thought they looked like girls too.

But to not disappoint the crowd too much, I will share a few stories about the man/boy we have here before us.

Lee Eric Bayliss was born on Christmas Day 1979. Whilst both Sue and Roy loved their new baby boy, it's not hard to believe he was a very ugly baby.

But he does share a birthday with someone rather special. The man himself, the reason we are all here today. Someone who I believe in passionately and follow his teaching. That man is of course Sir Issac Newton, founder of physics.

He never really enjoyed school as much as other children. At KG it was obvious he was different; all the children were four and he was nine. In his defence he was a rather special child, so special in fact that they put him in all the special classes.

His first letter to Santa was a joy to behold. Unlike most of the other tales in this speech, this one is actually true. He wrote a lovely letter, asking for a scalpel, scissors and other implements to harm his classmates but also added an extra piece of Bayliss magic. I quote – “If your sack is too full then I have left a bin bag for my presents”. How sweet. To teach Lee the importance of Christmas and the realities of life, they ensured that the bin bag was filled with lumps of coal for Christmas morning.

At school he was constantly teased for looking like Hugh Grant. Eventually he saw the benefits of being associated with a leading Hollywood actor, the girls, the parties, the adoration, and started to style his hair, clothes and even speech patterns around Hugh. However Lee did take it a step too far when he was caught in a car with a prostitute who later turned out to be a man.

Despite that ordeal, there was an occasion where he used the inspiration of Hugh Grant in his attempts to woo Kate. Scene from Notting Hill, where he breaks in to a secret garden in the middle of London. Hugh Grant's character attempts to jump the fence only to repeatedly fail. His lover merely skips over the fence making Grant look somewhat foolish. Finally they met to share their first kiss.

Lee and Kate's version of events is broadly similar. Except the gate was wide open but Lee still insisted on climbing the fence. And Kate wasn't there; Lee was instead chasing a fox. And no kiss was shared, other than with a vomited filled pavement.

When Lee had decided the time was right, the next step was to sort the ring. Shopping for an engagement ring is always tricky. It would be easier to just ask your bride to be exactly what they want rather than trying to guess. Of course that would somewhat ruin the magic.

Undeterred by the challenge, Lee did an enormous amount of research. Cut, style, metals, carats. Princess cuts, number of stones, the works. But just to be safe, Lee took Sirat along to make sure he didn't go work.

The gentleman in the shop was clearly impressed with Lee's knowledge. So impressed in fact that when he had, after many hours, finally decided on the “one”, the assistant turned to Sirat and asked “and do you want a ring to match your partner”?

Today really has been wonderful for many reasons. But above all, it's been wonderful because it has felt so natural. I couldn't tell you the point I knew Kate was the one for Lee and I think that speaks volumes. Granted she has always been in my phone as Kate Bayliss but that is more to do with my poor memory for names. Her being part of Lee's life is constant that has never been questioned. Never did we think “if” they would get married but “when” and I am certain that their love for each other will be strong enough to last forever.

To round this off, I'd like to share a very small story from AA Milne's Winnie the Pooh.

Piglet asks “How do you spell love?”

Pooh's reply is perfect; “You don't spell it … you feel it”.

Love is a language spoken by everyone but understood only by the heart. It is a song that never ends. It is not about finding a person you can live with, it's about finding the person you can't live without.

My friend, my brother, has now found that person.

Could I ask Lee and Kate to stand and look at each other.

Everyone here is so happy that you found each other and even happier that today you took the next step along the path of love.

As you stand here together, please never forget this; you are now gazing at the person who, statistically speaking, is most likely to murder you.

And with that could I ask everyone else to stand …

And raise your glasses … to Lee and Kate.