Speech by Giles Pocklington

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Giles Pocklington
Speech Date: May 2001

"Fornication, Ladies and Gentleman…

I'm terribly sorry.

[looks down at speech]

For an occasion,

Ladies and Gentlemen,

as happy and joyous as this, I must say I feel incredibly honoured and proud to be Nick's best man. Although such have been the state of my nerves about this making this speech that this is not the first time today that I've got up from a warm seat with some paper in my hand.

In fact, I hope you'll indulge me if I just picture you all naked for a moment.

It doesn't help with my nerves at all, but I do find it strangely erotic.

I'd like to share with you a few memories that I have of the groom. I met Nick at Hymers College in Hull, when we were around 13 or 14.

What can I say about Nick as a young man at school?

Well, a prize-winning scholar, a gentleman, both on and off the first team rugger pitch, and, if the truth be known, a bit of a heart-throb among the girls in the upper sixth.

Nick was… none of these things.

But he did exhibit the outstanding qualities of character which have earned the respect of so many of us gathered here today. His sense of humour, his loyalty, and his ability to get served quickly at the bar… have endeared him to many.

You know, when I look back upon our early years of friendship I can only think, with a little tear in my eye of how Nick used to look after me.

There was the time he cradled in his arms my bandaged head in the early hours of the morning after he had experimented on me with a new cocktail of his own devising – the Budweiser and gin spritzer. I still bear the scars.

He also acted as my moral guardian. I remember at one party he ensured that my virginity was preserved for yet an another endless teenage year by saying to the petite young lady who was paying me an undue amount of attention, and I remember his words, "Sod off shorty, he's not interested." He really did save me from a fate worse than celibacy that night.

But I think above all, it was Nick's ability as a stunt driver which impressed me. To get an idea of what it was like to be a passenger of Nick's, and you can do this in the discomfort of your own home, just put the Rolling Stones full blast on your stereo, watch a video of "Police camera action" at double speed, and throw yourself off your chair occasionally, preferably into a flower bed. And swear a lot. And that's the Forkin Driving Experience.

Those salad days were to come to an end as we left school.

After honing his gymnast-like physique working in a sheet metal factory, Nick departed for Southampton University to read History, where he was to meet his future wife, the lovely Natalie, and so many of the other friends that are here today.

The years of first class education and extensive reading now really paid of as he threw himself into running the Glenn bar for the next three years, and I think this is where his true genius came to the fore. Pickled egg eating competitions, the Broom Game, endless lock-ins which turned night into day and day into night, Nick sucked the marrow from bone of fun that is Southampton University.

But some good things have to come to an end, and with finals looming, Nick knuckled down to some hard work, and his outstanding dissertation "Hitler and Stalin – Facial hair and its role in the totalitarian state" went a long way to establishing him as the successful freight forwarder that he is today.

You may have gained the impression from my speech that Nick is some sort of slacker, a depraved, irresponsible drunkard with as little regard for the rule of law as a common criminal.

But you'd only be half right.

Because there's been a subtle change in the boy over the past few years.
He's mellowed a bit, he's more easy going. He is, in short, a happy man. And that's good to see. And I think the girlfriend formally known as Miss Boulter just may have had something to do with that.

I must pay a short homage to Nat, who among other things has had to endure Nick's sieve-like memory. The occasion of their holiday in the Dominican Republic springs to mind for starters. The happy couple spent a blissful week relaxing, drinking, and pampering themselves, but unfortunately not together, or even in the same continent.

Captain Memory here had mislaid his passport, and after two days of frantic searching resigned himself to waving the Boulter Sisters off from Birmingham airport, Ana kindly taking Nick's place.

But the very fact that Nat returned at all to this country is some testament to the love that they share, which is why now I ask you to charge your glasses, and drink a toast to Nick and Natalie.

To Nick and Natalie."