Speech by Giles Watson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Giles Watson
Speech Date: Aug 1999
Introduction

You having a good time ? good, that's going to change

I'm sure you'll agree that this is a great day, not only for Mike and Lyndsay, but for all of you. However, every silver lining has a cloud, and that's because you now have to listen to me.

I'm very proud that Lyndsay has given Mike permission to ask me to be his ‘Best Man’ today. For those of you who don't know me, my name is . . . .. ‘Giles, would you like another drink’ . . . ., so please do not be afraid to come up and say hello to me later.

They say that being a best man is like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother. – it's a great honour but nobody really wants to do it. Well I'm different – I've actually been looking forward to it, but she's up in Balmoral this weekend, so here I am instead.

I don't want anyone to stop anyone drinking, so I'll try and keep this short . . . . . . .(brings up stack of cue cards)

Thanks

Before I tell you all about Mike – a couple of words of thanks !

I'd like to thank the bridesmaids for all looking so beautiful and doing such a wonderful job today. Of course I'd like to, but for the fact that Mike and Lyndsay havn't been able to provide any bridesmaids, which is a big blow, (or not) for me personally. This is my first chance to be a best man – and what do I find ? – no bridesmaids ! I think we should all meet up again later in the year when bridesmaids will be present, but I suppose we better get on with it.

I'd also like to thank Mike and Lyndsay for arranging such a beautiful spread and . . . . . . . .. . . . no'p . . . that joke's been edited

Mike

Well, what can I say about Mike – He's handsome, charming, generous, intelligent, witty, charismatic, I've known him for over 25 years and . . . . . . . . oops wrong Mike ! . . . . . . . . . .

Mike was born on this very date in 1971 and by a pure co-incidence, free family planning on the NHS became available shortly afterwards.

From a very early age I went to the same school as Mike – the legendary Hamilton School in High Wycombe. I didn't really know him that well than as he was in the year above and naturally didn't waste time playing with his inferiors in junior years. All I can say about this time, therefore, is that before the fags, booze and middle-age spread got to him, he was just as ugly but seemed quite good at a few sports.

I then went to Reading for a few years, and when I came back, aged 16, Mike was one of a gang of friends who were my closest company in the oh-so-important late teen years. This was when I really got to know Mike – when we could talk about the really important things in life, like the struggle to save our planet, European integration, and to a lesser extent . . . . girls and drinking exploits.

During these years and after, Mike and shared a lot of . . um . .. .experiences . . . , but I'm glad to say we never let any of these experiences, some of them very attractive, spoil are friendship. . . . .or our health.

It was during these years, that Mike perfected and patented the legendary ‘Shoulder to cry on’ seduction technique. This was used whenever he saw a potentially vulnerable young lady in need of sympathy or comfort after some other romantic disappointment.

‘Darling – come here let me comfort you’ was his alleged catchphrase for a while and I must say he seemed to have tremendous success with it.

The surprising and upsetting thing about all this was that so many of these young ladies failed to see through him and detect his shallow, . . .corrupting . . . .predatory . . . intentions whenever such a situation arose . . . . . . . . . . .but they did whenever I tried to imitate his technique ! Bastard !

As time moved on, a lot of ‘the gang’ went to college or moved away from sunny Bucks, whilst Mike decided, quite rightly in my opinion, that he was too talented for the stale, humdrum, tedious university life of booze, girls, parties and more booze and girls . . . . . .and decided instead to follow a career in the Halifax, giving that little bit extra to vulnerable, insecure young ladies in need of advice on mortgages.

Well, he's come a long way from there – about 8 miles, to his current position at . . . The Halifax. In between, we've enjoyed some very good times and both become devilishly handsome, well-rounded young gentlemen.

Mike & Lyndsay

Mike and Lyndsay met, on this very date again, Mike's birthday, at one of the most esteemed and sophisticated venues that leafy Buckinghamshire can offer to its more discerning residents – The Orchard (pause for laughter ?!?!?)

Their eyes met across a crowded cattle-market and Lyndsay was alleged to have said that she thought that Mike seemed ‘Handsome from afar’. Of course, what she actually said was that Mike was ‘far from handsome’, but in spite of that, the relationship blossomed . . . . .

. . . . . We started to see less of Mike down the pub as he pursued ‘other interests’

. . . . . He moved away from his strategically positioned pad that was within staggering distance of the nurses home, 3 kebab vans, The Antelope, the Firkin, The Falcon, The Hobgoblin, the Flint and Plastic Paddy's. . . . . . . and went to Aylesbury instead.

And we soon all realised why . . . . . . . . .. Lyndsay.

I haven't known Lyndsay for as long as I have known Mike, but she's already one of my best mates, and the unanimous decision of the Antelope gang and others who know Mike is that ‘The boy done well’.

Mike, you've found . . . . . a beauty, . . . . a charmer, . . . a wise, understanding, loving and generous companion . . . . who also does one of best fry-up breakfasts known to man or beast.

Lyndsay, you've found . . . . . . . . . . . Mike. . . . . . . a man who is, by his own admission . . . one who inhales. . . one who imbibes.. . . . and, quite possibly,. . one who impregnates. . . .. Let us only hope that he also improves. Lyndsay, you're someone who really deserves a good husband, so we're all glad you're marrying Mike before you find one.

Ceremony

As you know, we're here today to celebrate the wedding of Mike and Lyndsay, but you may know the actual ceremony and vows took place last October with just a select gathering.

I was lucky enough to be around for that, but I can understand that a lot of you who are here today would also have liked to have heard and seen them exchange vows . . . .

. . . . . . . and in view of that, and the power invested in me by the Landlord of the Antelope pub in High Wycombe, I'd like to ask Mike and Lyndsay to come forward to say a few words to each other in front of everyone who is here today . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

" Marriage is a serious institution, not to be entered into lightly, and at 14 stone, Mike certainly isn't doing that"

I would like to ask you both a question;

Mike: You sure about this ? Lyndsay: You sure about this ?

Mike, would you place your hand on top of Lyndsays . . . -it may be the last time you have the upper hand.

I would like you both to say just one short phrase each that you can remember all your married lives and will remind you both of your obligations and the roles you will play in the coming years.

Mike, will you repeat after me . . . . . "I'm sorry dear, I was wrong" And will you place this ring on her finger (woolworths coloured sort of thing)

Lyndsay, will you repeat after me "Don't worry dear, it doesn't matter" And place this on his finger

I now pronounce you ready for marriage. – you may now have a drink – (Giles brings out bottle of tequila)

Oh . . . . .go on then kiss the bride if you must !

Messages !

Toast's