Speech by Glenn Wallace

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Glenn Wallace
Speech Date: 17/04/2011 21:22:16

Firstly I hear there is a sweepstake going around for how long my speech lasts and the nearest time wins, so I'd like to start by asking my partner what time she has gone for

For those of you who don't know me, I'm Glenn. I have been Richards mate for 2 days now, he found my add on a website as he hasn't got many friends so had to hire someone for the day.

I would like to start with a couple of toasts.
On behalf of the bride and groom I would like to thank you all for your attendance today in celebration of their marriage. Heather, your dress is amazing and you are looking exceptionally beautiful today, Rich is certainly punching above his weight! The bridesmaids are looking amazing as well and have done a great job in helping Heather look as beautiful as she does. So here's a toast to say thanks to the bridesmaids for doing such a wonderful job.

TOAST

Also like to thank Harry and Richard for their speeches, you have both left me with a hard act to follow, so huge thanks to both of you for that!!

Last toast goes to the parents of our newly-weds Harry, Marie, Jacky and Gary to thank them for hosting such a wonderful wedding.
I would suggest drinking 3 fingers worth of alcohol to get the party started. However in Amsterdam this proved most difficult for Rich. Instead of drinking 3 fingers worth of alcohol, Rich put his 3 fingers in his beer then sucked his fingers! Heather, too late to back out now!

So here's a toast to Harry, Marie, Garry and Jacky (TOAST)

I first met Richard whilst playing football over 15 years ago. Rich was an extremely good goal keeper and caught the eye of several top clubs. As a spotty 12 year old, he represented Solihull Borough, everyone was extremely proud of him and he was been scouted around as the next Peter Shilton! However, in Rich's first game for the borough his dreams of been a goalkeeper came to a shuddering halt due to a Rob Green moment. He come rushing out to clear a back pass only for the ball to roll over his foot and into the empty net, needless to say, Rich never represented Solihull Borough again.

As I'm sure you are all aware by now, Rich is extremely clumsy. In the 4 years Rich and Heather have been living together, Rich has managed to
• Break one oven
• Break the kitchen floor tiles within 2 hours of them been laid
• Lose 3 mobile phones
• Break 4 cars, one of which belonged to Marie
And more recently crash into his dads car whilst been towed.

Im just grateful Rich didn't crash Harrys Jaguar that he decided to lend without Harrys permission for the week whilst Harry was on holiday! Anyway, I have got you a small gift that will help you out and save a lot of cars from been scrapped, a bus pass!

My fondest memory of Rich happened when he was around 18 years old. Rich had just nipped over to the shop to get his usual 4 cans of skol super strength before we hit the Garry Owen! As an 18 year old, Rich kind of had everything going for him, he was good looking, fairly intelligent, had a body like a greek god and could throw some serious shapes on the dance floor. Looking at him now, I know this is hard to believe, but it is true! However, Rich wasn't perfect. His problem was that with each day gone it was taking longer for him to wash his face and he was beginning to look like Right said Fred. I noticed some hair thickening shampoo in his room. Rich tried to tell me that it was for his dad and threw it in the bin. Since that day, I have had the weight of guilt on my shoulders that I'm partially responsible for his loss. So been the good friend that I am, I have brought you a present Rich that I am hoping you will use and can help put my guilt to rest. Can I ask you to stand a second please Rich.

I did look into the treatment dancing on ice's Jason Gardnier had but unfortunately this was outside my budget

(HAND RICH WIG) – ask him to model and do a twirl.

Now a little how are bride and groom met. Rich first laid eyes on his gorgeous wife to be at National Grid. Me and Rich were walking through the canteen to get a light salad for dinner (as you can tell by our physiques) when he noticed Heather.
I can remember Rich nudging me and saying poooa look at her, she's stunning. Just as Rich finished saying this, Heather turned around and smiled. It was love at first sight for Rich, something from a movie scene. However we later found out that Heather had a friend called Stephanie whom worked at National Grid and she was just turning around to say hi to her! Still, Rich persevered and bombarded Heather with emails, texts, poems and bribes and somehow managed to get a date and the rest is now history.

As a couple, I think you will all agree that Heather and Rich are perfect for each other. They have similar interests such as exercising, accountancy and the Highwood! When eating out, you can really see how much they love each other. They spoon feed each other trying different foods whilst glazing into each others eyes which is romantic and sweet.

Heather and Richard are both studying accountancy and are doing very well in there respected companies. I found this very strange as at school Rich certainly was no Carol Voderman. In fact, he was quite the opposite. But you know what they say, ssssssssssssssssssugar always floats to the top aye Rich!!

Can I ask our bride and groom to stand holding an arm out and can Rich put his hand on top of Heathers.

On a more sincere note, It was a great privilege been asked to be your best man and I hope I haven't let you down. Rich is my best friend and has been there for me when ever I have needed him. I know how much Heather means to him and he will always be there for her. Rich idealises Heather and he will make a great Husband and im sure they will be extremely happy for many a year to come.

You can both lower your arms now and sit down, I just wanted Rich to have the upper hand over you for the first and last time in your marriage!

I'm pleased to say my speech is over now, once again its been an honour to be your best man. I hope you both are fully enjoying your day as much as everyone in this room is.
So Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like you all stand for a toast to our newly wed bride and groom wishing them all the happiness in the future..

To Heather and Richard