Speech by Goonbrewery

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Goonbrewery
Speech Date: nov 2002
PROPS
4 pack of flowers ipa
a peach
piles of paper
school report

Good afternoon everybody, and may I welcome you all here to RESTAURANT NAME
on behalf of Andrew and Cath. Before we enjoy what I am sure will be a lovely
meal, there are some very nervous people up here who would like to say a few
things. Firstly, may I introduce Andrews father, Chris.

Thankyou Chris, you can now relax and enjoy the rest of the day.
Today seems to have leapt up at us out of nowhere. It seems like only
yesterday that someone not a million miles away got me drunk and said he was
getting married. Then a month later he got me drunk again, and asked me to
this best man bit for him.
Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure, and has done for a number
of years. Ladies and gentlemen, the groom

Well done mate. OK, that concludes all the professional, researched and
rehearsed speeches for the afternoon. It's now my turn.

(get peach out of bag and place on table)
(everytime you get a good laugh, eat a piece of the peach)

Ladies and gentlemen, I am your best man for this afternoon. For those of you
who don't know me, my name is Phil…………Phil would you like a beer, so if any
of you want to speak to me later, please feel free to use my full name.

Before I start, I have a quick announcement on behalf of the management.
Could you please NOT stand on the tables and chairs during the standing
ovation at the end of my speech, as they have to use them again this evening.

First of all, I'd like to say thankyou on behalf of the bride and groom, to
the two pageboys, who I think you'll all agree, did a wonderful job today. So
how about a hand for Alex and Jamie. I believe we have something for them as
way of a thankyou.

Also, doesn't the bride look stunning, as always. And Andy, well, you just
look stunned mate. No, seriously, you've scrubbed up surprisingly well
considering the state you were in last night.

Seeing all those flowers being given out, it has certainly helped to make it
a very emotional day, look, even the cake is in tiers!
But I can see the groom is feeling left out, so I have flowers for him as
well (produce four-pack of flowers IPA)

My speech won't take too long today, because of my throat. Cath has
threatened to cut it if I go on for more than 5 minutes.

I take the job of being best man very seriously, well, I did after Cath ‘had
a word.’ I should be able to back to work next week. Anyway, I did some
research via the internet.

Initially, I discovered that the best thing is to fork them out, and take
them to the dump or burn them. Then I realised I had searched for weeding,
not wedding.

I tried again.

I soon discovered some of the duties I am supposed to undertake

My first duty,……….… getting Andy to the church, sober, and on time, and
eventually married. No easy task, I can tell you, but I think I succeeded.

Secondly, it was my duty to make sure that on Andy's last night of freedom he
was put safely to bed, and not on the overnighter to Glasgow.
Well, I can assure you all that he was in bed bright and early, and slept
like a baby.

He wet the bed twice times, and woke up three times crying for his mummy.

Also during my research into weddings in general, I looked at the three key
elements of the wedding service itself.

The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take
The Alter – the place where two become one
The Hymn – the celebration of marriage

I think Cath must have done the same research, because as I heard her walking
past me, I'm sure I heard her whisper Aisle altar hymn, aisle altar hymn

Birth – Andy was born on the 23rd of October1968. He wasn't the prettiest
baby, so much so that when he was born the doctor delivering him slapped his
mum.
1968 was the year scientists devised the epidural to ease the pain of
Childbirth. Now, while Shirley may have been one of the lucky first to
experience this, Andy has nevertheless been a pain ever since.
SCHOOL – I first met Andrew 22 years ago at school. Blazer arms around his
knees, white socks and a tie he kept taking back to the shop, complaining
that it was too tight.

I remember seeing him on the first day. He sat at the table at dinner time,
looking miserable, wanting to go home, and only really stayed because of the
food. Some things haven't really changed.

I managed to unearth an old school report of Andys’. It reads..… Andrew is an
ideal pupil who excelled in most subjects…..Sorry, let me read that again,
Andrew is an idle pupil who should be expelled from most subjects.

WORK – When he left school, Andy went to work at Midland Bank. On day one he
met a lovely lady who was to alter his life forever. Unfortunately, it wasn't
until next week that Cath came back to work from holiday.

I asked his old manager about Andrews work at the bank. He was very quick to
tell me that Andrew was known as ‘God’ at work. This surprised me a little
until he explained the nickname arises because

You never see him
He makes his own rules
If he does any work, it's a bloody miracle

ANDY / CATH –