Speech by Graeme Hammond

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Graeme Hammond
Speech Date: Aug2007

Intro

That's the first time I have heard P speak passionately about something that didn't involve either football or horseracing.

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen for those of you who don't know me, my name is G and I have drawn the short straw…sorry been given the honour of being best man! But you will be pleased to know that I'm only talking for a few minutes because of my throat …… as If I go on too long my girlfriend N has threatened to cut it!!!

When P asked me to be his best man I can honestly say I was extremely honoured and a little stunned. – Immediately, a thousand polite ways to say ‘No’ flashed through my mind and in my panic, I picked the first excuse that came to me and said ‘of course mate, I'd love to’.

I'm sure that you will all agree that this has turned out to be a brilliant wedding so far, but every silver lining has a cloud so here I am!!!

Seriously though – I would like to thank P for allowing me the honour of being his best man. Look at P I hope that I can say a few things mate that will go some way towards repaying you for the faith you have shown me in asking me to play such an important role in your big day.

Pause

Today is my first experience of public speaking, and so, whether you're laughing WITH me, or even AT me, as long as you're laughing I don't mind,
Unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised P and N that if there is anything slightly risqué, I'll whip it out immediately.

I'm also pretty nervous so you'll have to forgive me if I take the Gareth Gates approach to public speaking!…

But I do feel a bit comforted by the fact I have actually rehearsed this speech in front of a live audience at the local old people's home, I think it went down ok….… Well, they all pissed themselves anyway!!!
Pause

The first role I had to carry out as best man was to begin writing the speech, so the obvious place to look seemed to be the Internet. So after a couple of hours I found some REALLY REALLY good stuff, ……but then I remembered I was actually supposed to be looking for best man tips!!!!!

As part of my research I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to SING THE GROOM'S PRAISES and tell you all about his MANY good points. Well, I'm very sorry but I CAN'T SING, and I WON'T LIE .

Thank you's

Before the character assassination look at P I would like to say a few thank you's.

On behalf of the bridesmaids S, L, J and L I would like to thank P for his kind words I'm sure you will all agree that they have done a fantastic job today and look beautiful. They have only been outshone and rightly so by our stunning bride N who I'm sure you will all agree looks amazing. Look at N N I know you have made a great friend of mine the happiest man alive today.

I should also thank P on behalf of the ushers D and S for his generous gifts and kind words. I'd also like to offer my own thanks to them you have performed your tasks admirably and have helped the day run so smoothly – so well done lads – not long now and you can go to the bar!!!
I'd like to thank all the organisers for their hard work in preparing this wedding. I think you'll all agree it is a fantastic venue and has been organised meticulously.

Although you will probably not be aware that P and N had great trouble over the seating plan. P gave the room layout some serious thought and took the weight of the decision away from N as any supportive partner should do.

But What N doesn't know is that P decided the seating should be according to the cost of your present, so the more expensive you're present, the closer you are to the front.

So I hope you at the back heard P when he thanked you for the tea spoons!
Finally, I would like to say another thank-you to everybody for coming and joining the newly married couple in their celebrations. And I am sure you will all agree they make a fantastic couple.

N & P Meet

I want to now give a little introduction as to how the happy couple first met, some may have heard this story already.… but I will give the true unedited version.

P and N worked in the same building but didn't really come into contact, until P started working with a friend of Ns so began to see more of N around the building and became more and more obsessed err I mean interested in her.

My source has informed me that P hounded N to go out for a drink but N constantly refused her reason being that she thought P was too young she actually told him to come back when he was 18!!!!

They then went to the wedding of a work colleague, P was drunk as usual and N had a few too many steamboats and they had a drunken kiss, P obviously chuffed that Ns beer goggles were working decided to turn on the charm and delivered the cheesiest line of all and asked to N “Do you Fancy coming back to my Travel Lodge!!” pause Despite the romantic gesture N refused……look at P which is a good job mate as I was actually at the wedding with you and we were sharing that room so where was I going to sleep!!!!

When back in work and sober P again continued to pester N but due to not having 12 steamboats and P being too young N kept on refusing, until …surprise surprise they were out on Christmas Eve legless and they locked lips again!! !basically you can see that N needed to be plastered for P to even stand a chance!!!

What makes me laugh is that P actually DID wait until he was over 18 and when Aged 18 and 6 months!!! He asked N out on a date knowing he was above the required age! N searched everywhere for her beer goggles but couldn't find them despite this she agreed anyway …and the rest is history.

But Finally I have to add as well by the way that all this earned N the nickname of “Gary Glitter” on her section!!!!!

P & Stories

I think it is now time to give you all a run down on the chap who has tied the knot today.

I have known P for over 10 years now. He has helped me through some hard times over the duration of our friendship. He has always been there and supported me, something that I am sure he will do for his beautiful new wife, N.

Although some may disagree…P has actually developed into an intelligent man but this was not always the case, he was a slightly slow starter, at playschool he was different from the other 5 year olds……he was 11.
I always remember when N and P were having a new bathroom fitted, the guy had carried the sink up 4 flights of stairs and into Ps front room, P turned around to the fella… who was catching his breath and said “Sorry mate you have brought the wrong colour sink, we ordered a white one that one is blue” the guy looked at him mystified and replied “your sink is white mate that's a blue protective wrapper mate you peel that off!!!”
For those of you who know P he always comes out with classic comments like that they make you think “has he really just said that????” for example :-

· The time when He asked me When 2 people are riding on a Tandem does the person on the back steer it as well!! I just looked at him and said what if the person at the back wants to go left and the one at the front wants to go right! He just laughed and said “oh yes never thought of that!”

· When staying at the infamous ‘travelodge’ that was mentioned before when we woke up in the morning and P wanted to call his mum so he checked his watch and then asked me “I want to call my mum but don't want to wake her up, What time is it back home?” I just said “exactly the same time as here as we are in Chester!!!!!”

Most of you will know that P is a bitter blue!! Err I mean an Evertonian, and when he was 8 his dream came true or so he thought.

Let me set the scene……

It was a cold and wet evening at Goodison Park and Charlton Athletic were the visitors, P's Dad was in contact with the gentleman who picked the lucky ones to become ballboys and managed to get P's name on the list for this match.

So off P went to the supporters club where he was escorted to the ground and given an Everton ball boy tracksuit to wear with pride for 90 minutes, they also mentioned to Steve that they would put P at his end of the ground for one half of the match so he could give his VERY PROUD dad a big wave as he got into position.

As the teams came out for the start of the game P was amongst all the other ballboys forming a guard of honour for the blues as they ran out, P's little face beaming as he stood on the hallow turf.

He took his position behind the goal and did what he had to do, as the half progressed the weather got a lot worse, in fact it was torrential rain, but at least P would be able to get warm and dry off at half time.
As the teams emerged for the second half there were no signs of the ballboys and then suddenly out of the gloom they all came running back to their positions, P was the furthest away from his position and the second half was about to kick off so he ran to the Glawdys Street end looking for his Dad in the crowd he decided to cut the corner as the, suddenly P's dream turned into a nightmare as he slipped on landed on his backside much to the joy of the cruel supporters who roared with laughter. P was horrified and sat like a church mouse behind the goal for the rest of the match!!!

After the match he was taken back to the supporters club to meet his now ‘not so proud’ and slightly embarrassed Dad, and after him asking P the usual questions like “Good result wasn't it?” and “you got a great view of Pat Nevins Goal didn't you” Steve then decided to ask P if he hurt himself when he fell over and was his tracksuit soaked through.

P then replied “I handed my tracksuit in yes it was soaked right through but that was okay as I was dying for the toilet all of the second half so I just peed in my tracksuit as they couldn't tell the difference!!! Hand him Everton nappy/Everton potty here you go mate just in case you feel the urge to go!!!

Anyway I think that's enough embarrassment for P today so moving on………….

Closing Sincere part

I'm sure everyone agrees N is a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. P Thank God you married her before she found one!

On a more sincere note I want to express my congratulation to you both and for honouring me as your best man. I have, and will always think of P as a brother – and P I thank you for being my best mate all these years.
All that leaves me to do now is to ask you all to be upstanding All that leaves me to do now is to ask you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses in a TOAST to the new Mr and Mrs F.

We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long, happy marriage.

Ladies and Gentlemen to P and N. would I say this or Mr & Mrs F?

Thank you and enjoy the rest of the day.