Speech by Graeme Trotter

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Graeme Trotter
Speech Date: aug 2002
Grande Opening
Ladies & Gentlemen, lads & lasses, Bride & Groom…

For those of you who do not know me my name is “Graeme Trotter”. It is a great honour to be chosen as Simon's best man today. And if I do a good job he's told me I can be best man at the next one.

This is probably the most terrifying ordeal that can be inflicted on anyone. I can assure you all that this is not the first time today that I have stood up from a warm seat, with paper in my hand!

It's great to be back at a normal wedding. Last week I attended one where 2 aerials got married. It was a dreadful wedding but the reception was great!

Thank Yous
Please allow me to officially congratulate Simon & Louise. I think we all agree that Louise looks like one in a million today. Simon has found someone not only gorgeous, but also:
Intelligent,
Sophisticated,
Trustworthy,
PATIENT

And in return, well… Louise got Simon. I cannot think of a better guy, a girl could marry…

<await reaction>

…with the exception of me.

May I congratulate the families of those concerned? They have done a splendid job in making today a very emotional event.

<initiate applause>

<Optional> Look! Even the cake is in tiers.

On behalf of the bridesmaids, I'm sure you'll agree that they have done a wonderful job today and they look absolutely dazzling… Let's show our appreciation for Joanne, Robin and Sophie.

<initiate applause>

The Main Stage
As this is the 1st time I've been a best man I discovered that I had a NUMBER of important duties to undertake:

Check that the Groom is well looked after the night before. Well I have to say that after a couple of beers last night he told me he slept like a baby. <Pause> Meaning he woke up every hour crying for his mum.

Ensure that the Groom is dressed properly. Well, he only has to look at me, minus the head.

Check Pulse. <check own pulse> Yeah, we're alright.

Protect the Groom from angry ex-girlfriends – well the Foot & Mouth epidemic helped me out with that one.
And finally, stop him from doing a runner!

Anyway, as they say in Greenwich, Mean Time… Simon is 3 months younger than myself. He was born on February 18, 1973. The year Sunderland won the F.A. Cup!

Over time he has provided us with plenty of ammunition for this day, although not a lot of it legal. I would like to share a few of his more memorable moments with you.

I first met Simon 13 years ago whilst at college. I knew his first girlfriend… and I thought they would make a go of it until the day he over-inflated her.

<If it falls like a lead balloon> Okay.

I had the pleasure of playing in a rock band with Simon for 5 years. I was always struck with how enthusiastic he was about playing his drums. He wasn't always so slick, however, as his hyperactiveness often got the better of him, leading to several broken drums… not to mention our ear-drums.

1990 – and the Vixen video. This was a band with 4 of the greatest, sexiest girls ever to walk the planet – God bless them. Now I had popped into Our Price music shop in Sunderland one day and discovered the ladies had released a music video. Determined to get this we both had a wander along to the shop the following day. A few yards from the entrance Simon decided to leg it into the shop ahead of me…

<look at him> the little rat.

Imagine my delight when he ran past it. Cool as I could – I walked up to it and picked it off the shelf. Revenge was sweet when I taunted him for a little before handing over my 15 notes at the counter.

That's not the end of the story. We spent the next ½ hour looking in the other music shops – at this time there was another Our Price in town – but none of the other stores stocked it. Simon was on the point of giving up but I suggested we go back to the first shop and see if they had another copy. Waiting outside, Simon, now looking visibly distraught, returned to say that they had just sold their last copy.

As an athlete Simon is found wanting. His University football team-mates tell me they found him to be useless in almost every position.

<Lower voice, look at bride> Good luck, Louise.

Though born and brought up in England, Simon is no stranger to Scotland. Only this morning a neighbour said to me, I have seen no stranger man in the whole of Scotland.

(Read out Cards – what other people have to say)

Wrap Up
A few things to remember for the future… And I'd like to ask Simon and Louise to participate with this.

Louise if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table… <demonstrate>

Ok. Simon, if you would place your hand directly on top of Louise's…

Enjoying that? Make the most of it, pal, it's the last time you'll have the upper hand.

Other things to take with you:

Simon, remember the key to a happy marriage is to remember those 3 little words… – "YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR!!!"

Marriage is not only an 8-letter word, it is a sentence for life… and you can get a lesser sentence for murder, you know.

The best way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it once.

Always stand up for yourself, Simon. It doesn't matter if a thousand disagree or 10 disagree, so long as the mother-in-law agrees with you.

And one more thing. Never take advice from anyone… particularly if that person is older than yourself… Now take my advice and don't take it.

I would like you all to join me in a toast to the most important people here today…

<Wait for glasses to be raised>

…to the bar staff.

And finally, Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure to ask you to join me in a toast to the bride and groom. They have been on several adventures together; let this marriage be their greatest adventure yet.