Speech by Graham Blundell

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Graham Blundell
Speech Date: apr 2003
GOOD AFTERNOON Ladies and Gentlemen, for those of you who don't know me, my name is GRAHAM and yes I am the one who drew the short straw today….SORRY, was given the honor of being Simon's best man!!
First of all, I'd like to thank SIMON on behalf of the bridesmaids, I think you'll all agree that they look beautiful and did a fantastic job today! And also the 3 Ushers Paul ,Jason and Chris did some pretty fantastic ushing too.
Its been a wonderful day, a brilliant ceremony and everyone said I do ( I will) in all the right places. It's been a fantastic turn-out and I know it means a lot to both SIMON & CATHIE to have so many family and friends who have traveled far to be here today…it really goes to show you how far some people will travel for a free meal!
This is actually the first time I have been a best man. As you can probably tell by my obvious nerves! When SIMON asked me, my initial response was of course HORROR, but then after thinking about it I realized that it wasn't so bad after all. Along with all the usual duties, like holding the wedding rings, getting him here on time and organizing the stag do, comes the best bit of all, completely destroying Simon's good character in my speech!!
In short its PAY BACK TIME for the tomfoolery and mistruths SIMON uttered at my wedding last August.

Now, I'm sure a number of the men here today have been a best man at a wedding before…..but I wonder how many of you have ever received written guidelines from the bride-to-be beforehand?

I would like to read you extract from an e-mail that CATHIE sent me prior to the wedding (Show Email).…

Dear GRAHAM,
I was very pleased when SIMON asked you to be best man at our wedding and I instantly knew he had made the right decision. I have known you for some time now and can't think of anybody more charismatic, better looking or downright sexy than you to fulfill this crucial role on our big day.
BUT…I do want you to remember that this is our wedding day and I
don't want something that you do OR say to spoil it.
With this in mind, please take note of the following and I'm sure we'll all have a wonderful day:

DO NOT get drunk

DO NOT tell everyone when SIMON was two his mum dressed him up as a girl so he could appear on the front of a knitting pattern
DO NOT tell every one that the fashion-wise SIMON thought he was an extra in MIAMI VICE for the whole of the eighties.(and part of the nineties)
DO NOT tell anyone he had a full on beard when he was only 16
DO NOT mention SIMON is the only person to get thrown out of a pub actually ON his 18th birthday and BEFORE he'd even bought a pint.
DO NOT tell anyone about the male part of his anatomy SIMON burnt in Spain while wearing ill-fitting shorts (that's the Jackson Pollock's if you were unsure)
DO NOT mention the time when SIMON was so drunk he Puked on his own cat (and like most cats, it was moving at the time) ….…
DO NOT mention all those embarrassing magazines and stuff you found under his bed when you helped him move out of his last bachelor pad.(refer to props)
.DO NOT mention he's still even after all these years Belinda Carisles number one fan.
DO NOT mention the rubber gloves incident,which resulted in SIMON becoming a born again virgin!
DO NOT let him tell ANYONE what WWAP means
DO NOT let SIMON drink tequila ….…
and please please DO NOT let SIMON do his FUNKY CHICKEN DANCE !!
DO NOT mention SIMON's little problem
OH! which brings me on to the next one……
Make sure YOU keep your clothes on and
definitely make sure SIMON keeps his clothes on too!!
………The list just goes on and on and on…
And finally
Lots of love,
CATHIE
Now I can't promise anything, but I have tried to
take the responsibility of best man very seriously indeed and I would like to share with you some of the duties that I have been involved with…
I am sure you will agree that my first duty of getting SIMON here to the venue, not only looking smart but also on time and relatively sober was a success and indeed something of an achievement.

Another of my duties was the potentially delicate duty of keeping Simon's ex-girlfriends out of the way today. Thankfully though, due to a localized outbreak of foot & mouth, this has been made a hell of a lot easier.

For those who don't know, SIMON and I have been friends for nearly 20 years. We've had a lot of laughs, and as I'm sure you're aware, life with SIMON is never ever dull, Whether it be burning your knackers off in Spain, Karaoke-falling-overness in Japan or falling down on the dance floor in a Shipley night club and standing up with your head up a girls skirt. It's in the beer-drinking department that SIMON has excelled and so it's perhaps, unsurprisingly that the now infamous chat-up line "Can I ride you like a donkey?" preceeds SIMON wherever he goes.
.
SIMON, you are a lucky man; you've got CATHIE. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving, caring.
And CATHIE, you've got well err you just got SIMON!( and his underpants)
One thing people have told me is that you don't marry someone you can live with, you marry someone you can't live without. And this, everyone is so definitely true for SIMON & CATHIE, a couple so suited it's untrue. I'd like to thank SIMON for asking me to be his best man and say it's been a real pleasure helping SIMON & CATHIE prepare for today.

Well, I think that's my queue to wrap things up. It's not that I've run out of material, it's just that I've remembered what Cathie said earlier.
On a more serious note,!! SIMON, we have had some excellent times together over the years, and I know that we will continue to do so in the future. You have been a great friend to me over the years, and it is a great honour to be your best man, I think of you like a brother, and I wish both CATHIE and you every happiness for the future!!

Ladies and Gentleman, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to SIMON & CATHIE, the new Mr. and Mrs. MANIS. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage… SIMON & CATHIE!!