Speech by Graham Everitt

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Graham Everitt
Speech Date: Aug 1999
Hello . For those of you who don't know me my name is ‘Graham, would you like another drink,’ and I am Simons best man. I am very friendly, house trained, rarely bite and will be found in not the too distant future, somewhere near the bar. So please, do not hesitate to come and introduce yourself

I would like to take this opportunity to start with a few thank-yous. Firstly, to the Brides maid. I am sure you will agree Pauline looks beautiful and has done an amazing job today. I would also like to thank Malcom and Simon for their kind words. I was glad to see that Simon had put slightly more thought into his speech than the shortest speech that I had ever heard, which went something like, ‘I've found my babe and I'm going to love her forever.’

Now I tried to memorise this speech but forgive me if I resort to my notes every few seconds. I did ask for an autocue but apparently the wedding budget doesn't stretch that far and neither does my eyesight.

I have never been a best man before, and I am not renowned for my speech writing, so on the good advice of Simon, I thought that I would surf the net to see what other best men have had to say. Fortunately I stumbled across a site called ‘Hitched.co.uk’ which has been invaluable with some sample speeches to plagiarise. So here goes.

Alex has been my older brother now for as long as I can remember. He has always been able to run faster, jump further, and stay up later than myself…… Well maybe that doesn't quite work as well as I thought it would!!

Lets start again.

When Simon asked me to be his best man, Several thoughts went through my head.

· What had I done to blessed with such an honour · Who had dropped out at the last minute · Had all his other friends left the country and · could I say no and still get an invite to the wedding, but more importantly the reception

I decided that I needed to know what the role entailed. I have now read several books on being a best man and all of them include a best man's checklist, which will guarantee a smooth wedding. So as everything seems to have gone swimmingly well so far, I thought that I would share a few of the things I was expected to do:-

1) Bring a chequebook or credit card for the payments that the groom may have forgotten. Which knowing Simon will be all of them. Don't tell Vicky (my Girl friend) but I have remortgaged her house just to be on the safe side.

2) Help the groom dress. A tricky one this if he hasn't learnt after 27 years. But I will let you decide who dressed him today.

3) Ensure that the Groom

Uses the toilet (again I will stand outside but !) Ties his shoes Has his face and hair in order (I have no chance here as God didn't get it right the first time) Has nothing between his teeth (or is that his ears) Has his trouser flies done up.

On second thoughts I think that Sarah should have been the best man.

4) See that all ex girlfriends are kept at bay. Something that I will come back to but I think that there is a large party of them down the road.

5) Bring a zip up bag with the following items for emergencies:- Aspirin Antacid Deodorant Valium (sorry mate I finish those of on the way here) Tooth brush and toothpaste And a black marker pen.

If anyone would like to explain to me why the pen is needed, I am dying to know.

6) Make a speech to the bride and Groom.

Now I thought that this meant JUST the bride and groom, and I would get locked in a nice small room to talk to them for a while, maybe with a cup of tea or even a beer. So you can understand that I am little upset to be standing in front of all of you. Still, better press on..

7) Dances with the bride after the groom, her father, and her father-in-law. Now don't get me wrong, as I will do anything for charity. I have no problem dancing with Sarah, as long as she promises not to get too upset about me treading on her dress, but dancing with Simon, Malcolm and Dennis one after each other, might just take a few more beers than I have already consumed.

8) Makes sure that all of the presents reach the bride and groom's home. So, if you would like to place all of the gifts that you have brought with you, (especially the financial ones), in the back of the Burgundy Golf Driver registration L390 TEX, I will personally ensure that they receive them . . . after they have all been fully tested to see if they are suitable and reliable.

I have known Simon now for at least ten years, during which we have had a torrid time of keeping in touch as we both moved around the country, with different hobbies and obsessions; and we will always have the argument of where we first met. I will say that it was at the local church, Simon would say it was the local pub. We did however seem to spend roughly equal time in both. In the church we really got to know each other well. We would take it in turns to lean against each and at strategic moments during the service, prod each other to ensure that we were either awake, or upright and singing, at the appropriate times. We were brought together by our best friend Robert, who is sorely missed today, as he is in Australia teaching and studying Astro-physics. The friendship that the three of us had, meant that we were virtually inseparatable, and we would inevitably either start at the local watering hole or end up there.

Between the visits to the church and the local pub, the three of us took up the expensive obsession of photography. I have particular memories of a trip to the Farnborough Air Show in 1989, where we were all desperate to demonstrate what our latest, expensive pieces of kit could do. Simon was particularly eager to show off a motor-winder, capable of seven pictures per second. After a great day we could not wait to see the snaps when they returned from the developers, and were pleased to see the results were reasonably good, with the exception of one film. Originally thought to be 36 identical exposures, we then realised that they were actually the result of an over-efficient motor-winder, controlled by a trigger happy Simon, causing the film to be used in approximately five seconds. I believe that this was Simon's first venture into the realms of electronic gadgets

Simon was always good at proving both Rob and myself wrong. We would bet on who could drink the most, I always lost, who could think of the biggest words, in a very silly game called word disassociation, again I would always be the one to give up first, with the poorest command of the English language. We also bet on whom would be the first to marry. I hasten to add that I believe that it was about this time that Simon's medical condition first came to light. Amnesia is a terrible condition in anyone, especially as young as Simon. I am sure that he has forgotten all the ten pound bets that he owes me, especially the one that said that I would be the first to marry out of the three of us.

I do however remember the culinary delights that would be offered to us if we ever visited Simon's house in Marlow. I believe that I once had the pleasure of tasting caramelised Frisbee, or was that pizza Simon? The other delicacy, which is still part of his stable diet to this day, is Toast. This can either be a very very dark brown colour, or indeed black, the choice is yours. At University Simon became more educated in what cooking was. He discovered that a balanced diet consisted of having a Big Mac in each hand. Things have improved though, as Sarah has already trained him well. Simon now knows where the kitchen is, and with detailed step by step instructions supposedly cooks a wicked scrambled egg on toast, and can separate eggs by putting them in opposite corners of the room. Sarah and Simon have now arrived at a good compromise, Sarah cooks and Simon washes up. Please note thought that the only item on their wedding list is a dishwasher. (Electric or £3.60 an hour, either will do.)

Simon's professional career has been a varied and interesting one. Whilst at school he wanted to go in the Navy; be a rocket scientist; a professional fencer, (with swords not bits of wood) and play badminton for England; but after much deliberation and passing a degree in German and history, or something else as completely useless, Simon found a career which paid him lots of money for sitting down all day. . . Professional playstation player. Sorry I mean Computers!! In the following years we both disappeared to the far corners of the world with our respective work. Each time we eventually got together, Simon had a new Car, a new job, and a new girl friend. There are numerous stories about cars that Simon has owned, crashed and then changed. May be it is not a coincident that the changes in the cars coincided with the changes in employment. It is at this point that I must point out that during the two years that Sarah and Simon have been together, Simon has had three cars, so Sarah must be doing something right!

Sarah obviously had more luck in getting Simon to communicate with her than I had. . I am still trying to work out what she has that I do not. I am told that romance gathered speed along the electronic superhighway. As the electrons of love filled soppiness worked their magic spell, Simon Proposed on his birthday last year. Obviously due to drugs, or just a lapse in concentration, Sarah said yes. It just shows you what trouble such a small word can cause. So here we are today.

I cannot imagine how Simon feels today. How does the the first day of the rest of your life manifest itself for a man whose experience of reality is that unpleasant pause while the playstation loads the next game? I am sure that the safaris of Kenya will be of some consolation. Sarah must learn to believe Simon when he says that the new electronic toys that he brings into the house will benefit the marriage. They will be able to vibrate when receiving messages, keep in touch with their friends and family from the other side of the world a the touch o a button and give you both a common goal in the healthy competition of who has scored the most. (at street fighter and tomb raider)

Sarah looks fantastic today, especially as she has managed, so far, to keep all of her clothes on. At an early age it seems that she had an aversion to wearing clothes and used to post them through complete strangers letterboxes. To be on the safe side we have taped up all of the local post boxes, and we are hoping and praying that her going away outfit is not also her birthday suit.

Simon you have pulled a blinder in marrying Sarah. You have found someone who is beautiful, well mannered, charming, smart, funny, loving and caring and a match for you any day of the week. Sarah you've found, well Simon really

Sarah If you love something set it free, If it comes back it was and will always be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses the telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

But remember Sarah, Men are like fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with. On the other hand Simon, women are also like a fine wine. They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.

Before I finish I would like to ask Sarah and Simon to Participate in the speech now. Sarah if I can ask you to place you had flat on the table. . . Simon, it's now your turn. Place your hand directly on top of Sarah's. . . I hope that you are enjoying that Simon as it is the last time that you will have the upper hand.

On a sincere note I would like to thank Simon for asking me to be his best man, and Sarah for letting Simon ask me. It has been an honour, albeit the most terrifying experience of my life. I just hope that neither of them have need of my services again in the near future because I am not doing it, even though Simon has been a great friend to me over the many years that we have known each other. You never know though, I might be able to return the favour one day, if Vicky ever corners me!

On behalf of the bride and groom, I would like to thank everyone here for sharing in this unique and special day, particularly those who have travelled long distances. I know that I will never forget it. On behalf of myself I wish that you had all stayed at home because things would have been a lot easier on me.

I would like you all now to stand join me in a couple of toasts.

Firstly, to Sarah's parents Janet and Malcom, who have hosted this special day..

JANET AND MALCOM

And now to the happy couple, Mr and Mrs Nxxxxxxxxx, may you share many love filled years together.

The new MR AND MRS Nxxxxxxxxxxx