Speech by Graham G & Graeme S

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Graham G & Graeme S
Speech Date: Sep2006
Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to thank Gordon for his kind words and have to agree the bridesmaids have done a fabulous job today and look absolutely wonderful only eclipsed by Lesley herself. They say a problem shared is a problem halved, but I suspect Gordon is now wondering is he has actually doubled the problems for himself by allowing us both to speak about him.

For those of you who do not know either of us, and especially for those who we meet in the bar later, our names fortunately are both &quotGraham what r u drinking&quot..…
We were very nervous when Gordon asked us to be his best men. Speaking to a few friends and colleagues who have already suffered this dubious honour I was informed that it requires a little creativity, a little patience, some hard work, and some ingenuity. Remarkably Gordon asked us to do the job despite us not possessing a single one of these traits. We therefore decided to have a look on the internet where we found the following checklist of duties…
1 Help the groom dress – fortunately I let Graeme take care of this. Now it may be traditional for the groom to wear a kilt at a Scottish wedding, but today will be the one and only time as a married man Gordon gets to wear the trousers.
2 Make sure the groom uses the toilet – I wish I had now done the first one
3 Ensure the groom's face and hair are in order – Well, God didn't do it right the first time around so neither of us had any hope here.
4 Make sure his trousers are done up – at this point we thought about asking his mother to take our places – and finally…
5 Make a speech to the bride and groom – Now, we thought this meant JUST to the bride and groom, you know, maybe off in a little room for a chat and perhaps a couple of drinks. We were a bit upset to find that I've actually got to do it in front of all of you as well. Still, I know you will all be getting hungry so we will get on with it…

Before we get to the stories, I should really point out what a fantastic, good looking and funny person Gordon is – I should point this out, but I don't feel comfortable telling blatant lies in front of the Minister so I think we should move on…

We have both been friends with Gordon since we were all about 16 years old so we had to turn to his father Richard for an insight into his formative years. Richard told us a story of coming home from a hard day at work back in 1979. It had been a long day, and by the time he got home Gordon was already tucked up in his bed, Richard poured himself a large whisky and turned the TV on. Of course the sound of Daddy coming home had awakened young Gordon, who sneaked down the stairs for a goodnight kiss. However, at this point Richard had left the front room to go into the kitchen. On returning he witnessed a 5-year-old Gordon not only out of his bed but also picking up the whisky and taking a sizeable gulp. There was an immediate reaction from Gordie – he spat all the whisky onto the floor, as you would expect a 5 year old to, and then slightly annoyed declared loudly…”That's not lager!!!” This was obviously a sign of things to come.

At this point we'll jump forward to too his university days because as far as we can determine nothing else funny happened to Gordon until then. His student days re-ignited his love of a drink, but unfortunately his budget did not quite match his enthusiasm. Luckily his resourcefulness did. I still to this day have not met anyone who could go out with a ٣ note on a Thursday night and arrive home two days later having drunk enough booze to sink a battleship with a 㾶er in his wallet. Not only that, but come home with a newspaper and a lucozade sport – As Gordie said this was vital to keep his energy up for university on Monday morning.

I think it was for this reason that Gordie is the only student who decided that far from university being a hardship it was actually a comfortable way of life and rather than just one degree he would complete two instead. I think its worthwhile mentioning at this point that myself Graham and the usher Gavin are still paying off our student debts as a result of funding Gordon's extended student life!!!

Gordie was however, forced to supplement our generosity as there were periods when all 3 of us were unavailable for 72 hour drinking sessions. He therefore took a part-time job in, you guessed it, a local off-licence. Further evidence of his upstanding character can be seen during these happy times. Obviously having to save all cash for socialising the poor boy would get hungry at work. But Gordie refused to buckle to hunger pains by helping himself to the odd free bar of chocolate or bag of crisps courtesy of Victoria Wine. No he could never do this, as that would be classed as stealing. Instead he convinced himself and all that knew him that taking only a few smarties from each tube would be ok, it could only be classed as stealing if he eat a full tube. I would therefore like to take this opportunity to apologise on behalf of Gordon to anyone who purchased a half full tube of smarties during his tenure. It would be fair to say that Rowntrees did receive complaints regarding his actions, as they had to change the design of their packaging to prevent unauthorised entry.

Moving forward to the day Gordie met Leslie. The 25th May 2003 was not just the happiest day of Gordon's life. Myself, Graham and half of Glasgow also shared tears of joy. The glorious True Blues were not only the first Scottish club to win 50 Championship titles, but did so by pipping their closest rivals on a nail biting final day of the season. So I suppose we really have to thank Alex McLeish for getting the two of them together.

It was clear to all that knew Gordie that this relationship was different. True love blossomed, Gordie's dress sense remarkably became not only impeccable, but fashionable also – clearly the result of the love of a good woman – and within a short period of time Gordie was on the phone to both Graham and myself telling us he was planning a big surprise. At first we both thought he was might be taking us on a free night out for funding his university years but we should have known better, he was planning to ask the beautiful Lesley for her hand in marriage. Fortunately she said yes, and that brings us nicely to the easiest of the best men duties, arranging the Stag do…

Since there are 2 of us we felt it was only proper to arrange a Stag Do each. I arranged a quiet 2 night break in Cardiff including 2 rounds of golf – all very civilised – at least it would have been had Gordon played golf on the 2nd day with the rest of us instead of drinking all day with the only non golfer – Gavin known to his friends as The Liability. Graham and I were on the 14th tee when we both received the same text message “get back here now and rescue me from this maniac”. On our arrival 1 hour later Gordon was so drunk it was clear he couldn't make it out of the hotel and by the end of the night was heard to mutter that he was never again drinking.

However, inevitably 3 weeks later he was right up for his 2nd Stag Do which I was left to arrange in Glasgow. Now I should point out if Gordon looks like he is shifting uncomfortably in his chair at the moment it's not because he is nervous about what we are going to say, it's because his rear end has not yet recovered from being spanked by a lovely girl we meet in Glasgow's premier lap dancing club. Again, the booze played a big role in this, however for once The Liability was no where to be seen!!

In conclusion, Gordon you have found someone who is beautiful, kind, considerate, generous and loving. And Lesley – you have found………………Gordon.

I asked Lesley's Mum this morning how it feels to see her daughter get married, and she said “it only seems like yesterday that she was going to bed with her dummy”. Funny how history repeats itself.

I am sure you will all agree that they really do make a lovely couple and I am sure we speak on behalf of everyone who knows them when we wish them every happiness for the future.

It now gives me great pleasure and immense relief to ask you all to be upstanding for the toast, ladies and gentlemen please raise your glasses to Mr and Mrs Watson – the bride and groom.