Speech by Graham Halliday

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Graham Halliday
Speech Date: jun 2003
Firstly, on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank ?????????? for his kind words. I have to agree that they look absolutely wonderful, and have done an excellent job this afternoon in getting Laura ready and to the church on time, especially as I hear she put up one hell of a fight. I'd also like to thank the Bride's parents for organising such a wonderful day, and for all you guys, friends and family for turning up to offer your support.
Now to Marcus.…
FORNICATION….Sorry …FOR AN OCCASION such as this I was terrified about making a speech….that was until I found out about the sort of things that I was expected to say and do as the best man, primarily spending five minutes at the reception trying to embarrass him a little ….although to be fair Marcus can do a pretty good job of that himself.
Bur not one to shun my responsibilities ….here goes……
I first met Marcus about 13 years ago in the first term of University. Within 10 minutes of arriving at Durham we had dropped off our gear, said goodbye to the parents and found our way to the local pub, which was pretty much a sign of things to come, and I don't think we actually sobered up throughout the next 5 years.
To be honest most of my time spent with Marcus is a bit of a haze, but I have managed to remember one or two little tales to look back on. Unfortunately he made me promise not to mention certain skeletons in his closet, which surprised me as I thought he'd be more concerned about me mentioning the monsters in his bed. So I will not be mentioning such atrocities as cowboy boots, Bosnia, or his podium dancing in Callisto's. I am however open to bribery so Id like to make it clear that a pint of lager can buy you additional uncensored information at any stage tonight.
What can I say about Marcus? Well, though I never knew him during his school years he has always taken pleasure in telling me of his sporting prowess when he was at school. I had always presumed that he was just talking himself up and exaggerating, however during the stag do ??? kindly confirmed that his sporting prowess is INDEED legendary. For instance in the school cricket team, he single handedly re wrote the record books, many of which still stand today:-

Shortest time at the crease
Most catches dropped
Most wides bowled in an over
The list is endless
One thing he was superb at is drinking, particularly Grolsch. Many an afternoon we would head to the supermarket and on our way through town, Marcus would suggest we call into the Fighting Cocks ‘just for one’. Of course one turned into two and we usually found ourselves staggering home after last orders, carrier bags dripping with defrosted food. It soon became clear that beer has a strange effect on Marcus, for some bizarre reason he thinks that alcahol gives him a superpower..… The ability to dance like no living creature on this planet. He's like a cross between Michael Jackson and David Brent off the Office. Not one to deprive the public of his talent, he has even been known to make an appearance or 2 at the Hitman & Her Roadshows.
I promised not to mention his podium dancing at Callisto's however on a seperate occasion he and Andy had decided to take a trip to Huddersfield's finest nightspot. Andy had left Marcus strutting his funky stuff whilst he popped to the lav. On his return however, he noticed a large group of people gathered around the dancefloor, in the middle of which was Mr H who had been trying to Lambada but had only managed to pop his knee out of joint, which in turn led to him being off Uni for around 6-8 weeks. I think was his first experiment with boddy popping, but he proved he hadn't lost his touch at ???????? wedding with a great breakdance and kossack dancing routine. Strangely enough the video evidence of that one seems to have been destroyed, but Im sure we'll be able to gather more evidence throughout the rest of this evening.
When Marcus first introduced me to ???? I could tell straight away that they were the perfect match…
Her charm and wit more than compensated for Marcus’ obvious short comings in those areas.
I was amazed and delighted to get a call from Marcus telling me he had finally decided to make an honest woman of ????? and tie the knot. At first I couldn't understand why he had chosen me to be best man. After months of consideration I now realise that ……

(1) He knows I have an awful memory and hoped I wouldn't remember any stories, (2) He hoped you wouldnt understand a word Im saying with my dodgy accent, and (3) He knew I had inside knowledge of all the best lap dancing bars in Newcastle!
I have been extremely worried about being best man, as I didn't want to let either of them down, so I made sure I did a little research into the church ceremony and having turned to my Mum for help she told me just to remember the 3 key elements of the wedding service itself:
The Aisle – as this would feel like the longest walk you'll ever take
The Alter – as this is place where two become one
and The Hymn – as this is a celebration of their marriage
I think ???? must have received the same advice, because as I heard her walking
past me in the church, I'm sure I heard her whispering Aisle altar hymn, aisle altar hymn
No, seriously Marcus .…
you are in fact a very lucky man……
???? is caring, generous, loving, intelligent and funny……
………….… and clearly a woman who deserves a great husband………
so congratulations Marcus …
……….and thank god you managed to marry her before she found one.
You'll be glad to hear that I'm nearly done now, so finally, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to charge your glasses and be upstanding as we toast the new couple, Mr and Mrs H – The Bride and Groom!
Could you please remain standing and join me in a toast to L???’s parents, K?? and M???? who have organised this day to absolute perfection – to K?? and M???
And finally to T?? & M?? who's love and support has made Marcus a son to be proud of and a fantastic [sorry I can't read your writing here Marcus] friend to myself and to many of us here today – to T & M.