Speech by Graham Linney

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Graham Linney
Speech Date: OCT 2004

(Thanks for previous speeches)
First I'd like to thank Simon for those kind words – some sort of response is probably in order
Before I start, if there's anybody here who feels a little nervous and
apprehensive, it's probably because you've just got married to Simon.
I have a bit of an issue to raise, it has come to my attention that there is a bet on about the length of the Best Man's speech.… however I am sure you will all be glad to know that I got wind of this and have put a bet down of an hour, and with the kitty currently at £60 pounds you might as well all settle and enjoy the ride…
So I have a bit of a dilemma – do I drag the speech out for the hour so I win or do I get on with it so we can get in the bar?
As best man I have a few specific jobs to do today, this being one of them, and an earlier one being to make sure Simon got here on time and in decent form, sober and smart – it is my responsibility to make sure his face and hair are in order. I think that this duty is quite unfair, and have frankly just tried to do the best I could given what I had to work with, although at least his hair today is a considerable improvement on some of the styles that he has sported over the years, which include a pony tail and an impeccable bob. Another duty is to make sure that certain people are thanked for their part in today, so I'd like to take some time to thank a couple of people who on the face of it have a fairly easy day – they have to cope with all the difficulties of standing around pouting and looking pretty, they've spent a lot of time on their make up and outfits, and without them the day just wouldn't be the same – ladies and gentlemen, the ushers – Matt and James.
Now a few of the better parts of my duties for the day I get to thank the bridesmaids. I know that Sam has given you something already to say thanks
However I'd like to add to this by saying what a great job you have done getting Sam through today and I think everyone will agree you ALL/BOTH look beautiful
But I would especially like to thank Sam's dad for his kind words and everyone involved for organising what I am sure we will all agree has been a wonderful day and really got Simon and Sam's marriage off to a perfect start…
I think you would agree that at least so far the wedding has been beautifully planned, even down to getting an extra hour in bed tonight

As part of my preparation for today I have been doing some research
Unfortunately today has always been regarded as a bit of a black day in history:
1854 – Charge of Light Brigade (Battle of Balaklava, Crimean War), 409 die
1943 – The International War Crimes Tribunal in Nuremberg sentenced 12 Nazi leaders to death.
Dr Crippen sentenced for poisoning his wife
But now at least there's one good event to remember the 25th for.
Another part of my research was to ask some of his friends and family about what they would say about him: some words you could use to describe Simon are charming, intelligent and entertaining…but nobody said those, so I won't use them.
He was once described as arrogant, conceited, insensitive and selfish…and let's face it if anyone would know him it would be his mum. Which I thought was a bit harsh, but I couldn't argue with his mum.
Having known Simon for the best part of 25 years I have huge amounts of entertaining stories about him – however hardly any of it is even vaguely appropriate for his wedding, and as a result I would be in a lot of trouble if I told them here…so I'll be telling them over there later (indicate to the bar)
As we grew up, we were largely inseparable, we went to primary school together, we joined the cubs together, we joined secondary school together, we went on holidays together and even got ordained and became internet vicars together… and now Simon has even started to copy the way I dress…
As I said from the age of about 5 Simon and I pretty much grew up together – we've crashed bikes and cars together, although not at the same time, we started going to pubs together – although we'd inevitably get thrown out because Simon looked too young, we discovered tequila together and as a result neither of us can touch it to this day, we've got into – and got each other out of – all kinds of bother and generally looked out for each other. He has in essence been my brother and it's not often I get to thank him for it.
I'd also like to thank him for finally admitting that I am the Best man.

I'd just like to reflect on how all of this started for a moment. A very romantic affair, with Simon having spent all day drinking at the cricket he then decided he was going to go to a club and attempt to attract new victims by offering them sweets, presumably the club didn't let him take puppies in, and so, like a drunken member of Girls Aloud he stole a handful of lollies from the toilets and proceeded to offer these to girls he bumped into – and Sam was the lucky victim. It makes you wonder why she ended up seeing him again afterwards, as he was extraordinarily drunk, and even once she'd found out that he didn't habitually carry a wholesale supply of sweets they continued to see each other – ending up here today. Although the route here has been fairly smooth the future for the newest Mrs Hawkes isn't necessarily all that easy from now on – talking to Sam recently it turns out that she has decided not to use her married name at work, she has tried to get the kids at school to say ‘Hawkes’ and apparently they struggle a bit they are only able to refer to her as ‘Mrs Whore’ – which understandably she wasn't too keen on.
Theirs really is quite a good match although Simon does have a distinct advantage over most husbands in that he's deaf in one ear, which means that he only picks up on half of what Sam says – which really has got to be a bonus, and can only contribute to a happy marriage.

Joking aside though, having recently got married myself, I can vouch for the feeling that you get when you realise you have met the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with / or your first wife, it's a feeling that you want to make the most of, and we are here to celebrate that with you both…long may it continue…
So, ladies and gentlemen, it really has been an honour and a pleasure being best man, but today I am the best man in title only. It's Simon and Sam's day and I wish them all the happiness in the world for this new chapter in their lives.
To round up then, I d like to thank you all for your attention, and let
me just say that if you've enjoyed listening to this speech as much as I
enjoyed making it, then all I can do is apologise most sincerely.
That's it. I am sure you will be as glad as me that there is no more, bar a toast, so if you would all please charge your glasses and be upstanding…ladies and gentlemen, the toast is the bride and groom…