Speech by Graham Richardson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Graham Richardson
Speech Date: feb 2003
Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaid and all the other people Frank just thanked, I'd like to thank Frank for his kind words.

Now before I start, I'd like to make sure that everybody can hear me…can you hear me at the back? Then someone please order me a very large bourbon and dry!!

Please forgive me if I appear a little nervous, its because I am. If the truth be known I'm terrified at making this speech!
You know they say that being asked to be best man is a little bit like being asked to make love to the Queen mother, It's a great honour, but nobody wants to do it.

Helen I need your help here, can you please place your hand flat on the table….and now Frank if you could just place your hand directly on top of Helen's hand….OK I hope your enjoying that Frank, because it's the last time you'll ever have the upper hand.

Frank was born in 1960 which was the same year the films “Psycho & the Entertainer” were released, that may help explain Frank's behaviour when drunk. Incidentally it was also the year that the first oral contraceptive pill was made available to the public. Makes you wonder doesn't it??

Most of you will know that Frank has an MG and that he likes cars, fast cars, this is born out by the fact that he had his stag do on Mount Panorama watching V8’s crash in the hail at the top of the mountain in a temperature of 3 degrees, while I, his best man spent my holiday sitting on a beach in Noosa in 25 degrees!!
Frank has a love hate relationship with cars, sometimes he loves them and others he loves to hate them!
He tends to deal with them like Henry the 8th dealt with wives, only one survived, but most were beheaded. Perhaps part of the problem is that he likes fast cars and likes to drive fast! I remember the Nissan, 2ltrs and turbo charged, it was pretty quick, but it did use a lot of petrol in fact Frank was on first name terms with most of the local petrol station owners. I found out first hand how fast that car was, we were going to Gore for a Christening, and suddenly part way there we realised that we were still an hour away but the christening was due to start in half an hour. Frank said don't worry I'll get us there in time! That in its self was enough to make me worry! You don't need to be Einstein to work out that getting there in half the time means travelling at an average speed of 200 kph.

For anyone that can't remember the road to Gore, it has an awful lot of bends in it, we came round one of those bends to see a biker on a Harley, oh dam says Frank, he's going to slow us down! I can still see the look on the bikers face as we past him, the next thing we hear is the roar of the Harley as he catches up to us and then tries to pass!!! Now that was a major mistake (in my view anyway) it just made Frank more determined that he wasn't going to pass.
That trip ruined a perfectly good pair of my trousers!

Ok everybody, just to make sure that you are all still wide-awake, I would like your help with a little audience participation.
When I hold my arm out like this I would like everyone on my left to say OOOH.
Now the same for everyone on my right except I want you to say AAAH, That was great, now lets put that together, but first I too make sure that you are all awake can you please sit on the edge of your seats. Ok that great now starting on my left as loud as you can ooh now my right aah fantastic.

See Frank I told you that I would have everyone sitting on the edge of their seats oohing and aahing.

Frank is a party animal, ask anyone, if you want to have a good party invite Frank, He's usually first to arrive and is impossible to get rid of!!. At one of my better parties Frank arrived on time, which of course means before anyone else, we had a great night and as is usual Frank spent most of his time dancing then later we ended the night propping up the bar. At 6 30am he said that he was off to take his partner to work and would be back soon. Needless to say we took that small window of opportunity to switch off the jukebox, lock all the doors and go to bed, and yes he did come back but was fortunately put off by the fact that the all was now silent and the house was in total darkness!

Another party of mine started as a BBQ at 3 in the afternoon but by 6 it was indoors and going extremely well, everyone was dancing and having a great time until Frank decided to put his Bum through a window. The party went downhill fast after that. People wanted to help clean up the glass (I reckon that it was just the girls wanting to help pull all the bits of glass from Frank's backside!! Then someone cut themselves and had to go to A& E for stitches, Frank went and sat outside in the rain and sulked, one of the girls went out and sat on his knee to cheer him up, her partner took exception to that and had a big argument, they went home along with most of the people there as nobody thought this seemed like a good party anymore. Of course that is except Frank who still didn't want to go home, it was early and he wanted to stay and sulk some more! Frank stood holding on to a door and would not let go, eventually three of us managed to pry his finger loose and encourage him to go home.

I am not entirely sure when it was but am assured that Frank developed a penchant for dressing up in women's clothes, of course you realise that this was always in private….until one horror night he decided to come out! I personally was not there but I am told that some bloke tried to pick him up but Frank told him to GET LOST in his deepest voice. I do have the photos to prove it (show photos) and for those of you that have not seen them before I will put them up on the wall so that you can check out those legs later
!
As much as he would have liked to, Frank could not lead the Playboy life forever, and on one starry night he met the woman of his dreams. And a short time after that, he met Helen.

Of course rumour has it that Frank has been married before, not that I am one to spread rumours, whilst this may be true, Helen tells me that he saved the best till last and seeing how beautiful she looks today, I would have to agree with her.

Frank we have had some great times together and you've always been there for me, you are a true friend and I am delighted to be standing here being a part of this very special day with you.

Before I finish I'd like to read you some of the cards and messages.

The first is from Frank's indoor soccer team,
We have found Frank to be usless in every position, we hope Helen has more luck.

Sorry we didn't see you last Friday, we look forward to welcoming you back as one of our regulars in the near future.
All the girls at Cleopatra's

This special message comes to say
Hope all goes well on your wedding day
If you need advice or any tips
Call 0900 hot lips

Ladies and Gentlemen, it now gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Frank and Helen the new Mr and Mrs Smith. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.
The Bride and Groom.