Speech by Graham Wells

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Graham Wells
Speech Date: oct 2003
Hello, my name is Graham, and I'm an alcoholic!……… Sorry, wrong day!

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, for those of you who don't know me my
name is Graham and it is my pleasure to be here today as Dave's Best Man.

Now, before I start, the management here have asked me to request that for
Health & Safety reasons nobody gets onto the tables during the standing
ovation at the end of the speech.

I wasn't sure how long a Best Man's speech should last, but a friend told me
it should be as long as it takes the groom to make love….… So thank you
and good afternoon. (Sit down)

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank Dave for his
kind words and gifts, and I'm sure you will all agree, they look absolutely
wonderful and have done a great job today.

And Hilary, you are the most stunning bride….here today!

Having not been to many weddings and with this being my first as a Best Man,
I decided I should take the role very seriously. So I bought myself a book
on weddings, which included a list of Best Man's duties. But this left me
even more confused!

The duties are:

Ensure that the Groom has a couple of stiff one's before the service.
Now, maybe I'm wrong, but I always presumed that the stiff one should arrive
after the Reception, when the loving couple are alone!

Ensure that the Groom's hair is combed. My first problem, because Dave
hasn't got any hair!

Ensure that the Groom is looking good. Well sorry, but I'm no Plastic
Surgeon!

Ensure that he arrives on time, Well I managed that, shame the same can't
be said for the Bride who was an hour late, must be something to do with
working for Network Rail!

It was after reading this that I realised that Best Man is just a fancy
title for Nanny!

Also, as Best Nanny, is the responsibility for organising the stag weekend.
A big thanks to Rob Ford and Mark Ford for their help with that.

Unfortunately, I misread that the Best Man is supposed to look after the
Groom, instead I read it backwards. So thanks to Dave for putting me in a
cab and taking me back to the hotel on the 2nd night! Cheers Rob for doing
the same on the first night!!

In researching the Best Man's role, I found that historically, the Best Man
is chosen to assist his friend when he captured his bride. Well,
unfortunately I wasn't there when Dave and Hilary first met, but by all
accounts Dave's pulling technique was unique to say the least.

Dave, having spotted Hilary in a bar, went over to her, bought her a drink
and walked away.

Now, anyone that's been for a night out with Dave will know how hard it is
to get him to buy a drink!

Anyway, when Hilary had finished her drink, Dave promptly bought her another
one.. And again walked away!

Well, I guess Dave's technique worked, otherwise we wouldn't be here today
for this wonderful occasion.

I've known Dave since senior school, back when we were slim and he had hair!
Although according to Dave his hair-loss isn't hereditary, but due to a
freak break-dancing accident!

Dave has always been keen on sports, and willing to try his hand at
anything.… when I say try his hand, I mean changing channels on the remote
control!

No seriously, Dave has tried many sports over the years, but it's football
that he really excels in. Dave and I have played with each other, sorry I
should rephrase that, played football together for a number of teams over
the years. And I'd like to thank Hilary for letting him out every Saturday
afternoon to give me 90 minutes of abuse. Cheers Hil! (Sarcastically, raise
glass)

Unfortunately through sport Dave has suffered a number of injuries. Mary,
Dave's Mum, told me that when he was younger he would get injured so often
he had his own private room at the local hospital!

I guess injuries are expected in sport, especially contact sports. But how
do you explain dislocating a shoulder playing Snooker, Dave?
Another thing Mary told me was that Dave is very forgetful and loses
everything. When he was younger at cub camp, when Mary went to collect him
she would stop off at the Lost Property tent first to collect his
belongings!

And whilst I'm on the subject of losing things, How many times did he lose
his keys, Mary? Do you still carry them on a piece of string around your
neck, Dave?

Reading my book on weddings, I came across a useful section on the order of
the service.

Aisle – The longest walk a bride will ever take
Altar – The place where 2 become 1
Hymn – The celebration of Marriage

I think Hilary must have read the same book, because as she was walking up
the aisle I could hear her whispering, Aisle, Altar, Hymn.. Aisle, Altar,
Hymn!!

Dave, I'd like to thank you for choosing me as your Best Man. There is
genuinely nothing I wouldn't do for you, and I know equally there is nothing
you wouldn't do for me. In fact, we spend our whole lives doing absolutely
nothing for each other!

That's not strictly true, last year I asked Dave for help in laying some
wooden flooring, thinking that Dave would be the best person to ask as he
would be safety conscious due to his line of work.

To my surprise he turned up on my doorstep wearing his hard hat, goggles and
a fluorescent orange safety jacket! A little over the top but I let him
off. We then proceeded to polish off a crate of lager!, Very sensible
when using power tools! Thankfully there were no accidents and the floor
got laid ok..… but I still haven't found my cat!!

I would now like you all to join me in a toast to the most important people
here today (wait for glasses to be raised). to the Bar staff!

Ok, now onto the cards. We have received some messages from people who
couldn't be here today.

I've got a message here from (holiday resort)

David and Hilary,
Congratulations to you both on this day.we very much look forward to making
your honeymoon a special and memorable one. Please do not worry if there is
some delay when you arrive.as we are putting something special on for you..a
roof!

We've got one here for Hilary, It says….we could have been so good
together, why did you settle for him?….And that's from Ray Winstone

And finally one here for Dave. Hope all goes well on your wedding day, If
you need advice or any tips, call 0898 696969…..and that's from Big Boys
are us..… also, your annual subscription is up for renewal.

And finally Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure to ask you to
join me in toasting the health and happiness of the happy couple… David
And Hilary, The Bride and Groom!