Speech by Graham Wylie

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Graham Wylie
Speech Date: aug 2002
Neil and Gill

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, on behalf of the Bridesmaids, Ushers and myself, I'd like to thank Neil for his kind words. It's been my experience in the past that women never tire of compliments, so on that note, I'd just like to reiterate Neil's comments. Suzi, Ailsa and Alison look fabulous and have done a fantastic job of getting Jill to the church on time, considering that Neil was waiting inside!

I've made a similar speech to this a couple of times before. Once was when Neil and I were Best Men for John, a friend of ours from home, and the other was when I was invited to speak at a stand up buffet for the Strathclyde haemorrhoid sufferer's society. So for those of you that have heard this speech twice before, please bear with me.

I'm deeply honoured to be standing before you all today as Neil's best man, if not a little confused. For those of you that don't know Neil had a reputation for being really tight when it came to money when he was younger! After his first romance ended with the tragic loss of his puncture repair kit, he made a bet with his sister. He bet Mhairi £50 that he wouldn't get married before his 50th Birthday. So for those of you that have never seen Neil with £50 in his hands, far less giving it away, then he will be handing it over just as soon as the paramedics arrive with the oxygen mask, morphine and a crowbar!

Neil and I met for the first time 16 years ago and became great friends almost straight away. While we were growing up, we shared similar interests, as well as the occasional ex girlfriend! We went to the same primary school, which at the time was run by an evil megalomaniac by the name of Mrs McCauly. It's reasonably safe to say that Mrs McCauly and Neil and I never really saw eye to eye. I'm not saying she was old, knackered and far too strict, but rumour has it that she was given the sack from the Gestapo amid allegations of cruelty!

There are a few things Mari and Lachlan don't know about their little cherub. For example, when he used to take their car out after he'd past his test, he would drive to a local beauty spot, and pretend to be a rally driver! Yes, Neil did things to that Rover that would have made Murray Walker wince. Wheelspins do sometimes happen when you're driving, however, handbrake turns, donuts and clearing humpback bridges at 70 miles per hour don't happen by accident! During our last year of high school, a few of the younger girls took quite a shine to him, and became affectionately known throughout the school as the Neil Cameron fan club. Every time he turned round, there would be a host of giggling thirteen year olds waving and blowing kisses at him. He received more valentine cards that year than the whole 6th year put together, unfortunately none of them contained joined up writing so he had a good idea of who they came from, and before you say anything, it wasn't from himself this year!

While we were at high school, Neil discovered that he seemed to have a natural knack for running. He represented the school at athletics and always did very well, especially when his fan club came along to cheer him on! I on the other hand didn't share his passion for fitness, preferring instead to lounge around the house and do as little as possible. A habit that has changed little over the years, except I now just lounge around public houses doing as little as possible!

Well, unlike Neil's underpants, some things change. Having left school, Neil became a full time student, sponging off his parents while he went to college in Glasgow. Every morning, he would get a lift to College with Kirsty. Or as Neil so eloquently put it, every morning he would run the gauntlet of getting to Glasgow in one piece! I'm not saying Kirsty's driving was in any way frightening, alarming, disturbing or unsettling, but when someone driving a car takes a shortcut down a footpath or tries to eat a bar of melted chocolate with a spoon whilst driving, then you have to ask yourself how desperately you really need to be somewhere before you get in the car with them! Incidentally, please feel free to ask Kirsty's advice on what to do if someone opens their car door while you are driving past. Do you A: swerve to avoid it, or B: plough straight into it and rip it clean off it's hinges!

As I'm sure you can imagine, the stag night was a civilised and refined affair! We met on the Friday night and arranged to go out and drink to excess in a little town called Bridgenorth. What Neil didn't know was that we were going out in fancy dress, and he didn't have any choice what he was going dressed up as! We arrived in the first pub to be greeted by sniggers and bemused looks from the locals. It's not every day that Batman and Robin, Darth Vader, Zorro's gay brother, an Arab sheik, and the man with no name walk into your local. Oh and of course Neil who was wearing a pair of boxer shorts, a pair of rubber gloves and an apron with a bra, pants and stockings emblazoned across it! And nothing else! On the Saturday we spent the afternoon Go Karting, where we discovered that none of us were going to find fame and fortune on the formula 1 circuit. I'll be the first to admit we were terrible, but when you consider that each of us had a hangover that could have floored a rhino, then I think we did quite well. After the Go Karting, Will and Nina had arranged a surprise party and had invited Neil's friends from Liverpool. We all gathered outside the local pub around about 2 o'clock, and I fully expected to be helping him home after an hour and a half! I'm not saying Neil is a lightweight when it comes to beer, but when you have to nip down an alley and have a technicolour yawn after four pints, then perhaps it's time to give up lager and try something less potent. Babycham or Sweetheart stout for example!

Ladies and Gentlemen, you'll be glad to know that this speech is drawing to a close, I know I am! But before it does, Neil and Gill have asked me to read out a few cards.

Before I go, I'd like to recount a cautionary tale about marriage. A father took his son aside on his wedding day and said, “Son, the key to a stress free marriage is making sure the man is in charge, and today is the day you have to make sure she understands that! I'll tell you a little secret, on my wedding night, I took off my Y fronts and threw them at you mother and said put those on!”
“ But I can't wear these” she said, “they're far to big!”
“That's right” I said, “And don't you forget that it's me who wears the pants round here!”
The son smiled and thanked his dad for the advice.
Later that night, when he and his new bride got into the hotel bedroom, he slipped off his Calvin Klein's and threw them at her. “Put those on!” he said.
“But I can't wear these” she said, “They're far too big!”
“That's right,” he said, “And don't forget it's me who wears the pants in round here!” With that, she slipped off her thong and threw it at him. “Put that on!” she said.
“Don't be stupid!” he protested, “I can't get into your knickers!”
“No” she said, “And with that attitude, you never will!”

On a slightly more serious note, I think everyone will agree that Gill looks absolutely fabulous today, and it's nice to see Neil wearing something other than a pair of boxer shorts and an apron!

I'd like to finish off with a little blessing, and it goes like this:

So here's to the Bride and Groom,
We'll ask their success in our prayers,
And through life's dark shadows and sunshine,
That good luck may always be theirs.

Ladies and Gentlemen, could I please ask you all to be upstanding and join me in a toast to the Bride and Groom, to Neil and Gill.