Speech by Grant Walker

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Grant Walker
Speech Date: Aug 2001
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Grant and I have the honour today of being Darryls best man.

Firstly on behalf of Sarah and myself I'd like to thank Darryl for his kind words. I have to agree they all look wonderful and have done an excellent job today in looking after Rachel, getting her here and caring for her wedding day nerves. I'd just like to know how many Vodka and Cokes it took? Anyway I think they've all done a tremendous job, and deserve a big hand!

I would also like to thank everyone on behalf of the bride and groom, for sharing their wedding day, particularly those of you who have travelled long distances, as I know several of you have.

When Darryl asked me to be his best man he did so with a big smile on his face, knowing full well that the thought of standing in front of you all today would fill me with horror! – Well lets just hope he's still smiling when I've finished.

With the expectance of the position of Best Man there comes many responsibilities, but I was told the most important part of my job was simply this, getting Darryl to the church.

a) ON TIME – and as anyone who knows Darryl can vouch, Darryl being on time for anything would be a first.
b) SOBER – Which is unusual considering we went via the pub, and
c) LOOKING SMART – Which is usually reserved for when he's on the golf course.

So I'm really pleased that I've managed all three. Just don't ever ask me to do it again.

I have to say that when I sat down to write my speech I didn't really feel comfortable writing something peppered with petty jokes about Darryl, I mean its pretty degrading isn't it. Standing here getting some cheap laughs at Darryl's expense. And frankly, I think we've all been doing that for far too long now as it is. But then again I thought – Well why break the habit of a lifetime, so here goes.

Let me tell you about Darryl Piper. Darryl was born on 31st October 1972. Which as you are probably all aware is also Halloween, and some 29 years later the jury are still out as to whether he was a trick or a treat.

Darryl went to school at Kingswinford School, I didn't know him then but I'm reliably informed that amongst his fellow pupils his nickname was simply “God”. No reflection on his academic or sporting achievements I might add, more that he was rarely ever seen, and when he did do any work it was an absolute miracle.

I personally first met Darryl about 12 years ago and was introduced to him by a mutual friend of ours Trevor. I have on the other hand only known Rachel for a little over 4 year's … it just feels like 12.

I will always remember the occasion when Darryl and I first met; we were at a Pig roast at the local Hockey club where Trevor played. The beers had been flowing for a couple of hours and back then, pretty much as now, any more than a sniff of the barmaid's apron was enough to get us in high spirits.

Now in those days Darryl had what can only be described as big hair, I mean he had really big hair. And I had been amusing myself by calling him Hovis, as his head had a shape reminiscent of a freshly baked cottage loaf. I think it was after about an hour of continual mickey taking that you could say he really lost his loaf, and threatened to thump me if I called him Hovis again.

Of course after a few beers and with a promise like that thrown into the proceedings it wasn't long before the inevitable happened and I made some poor mis-placed quip about Darryl having a punch with about as much clout as the Pillsbury Doe boy. Sure enough as promised, this remark was closely followed by a well-placed jab to my chin. Knocking me, as much to my amazement as to Darryls, clean off my seat.
Anyway that's how I met Darryl strange as it is and for some reason we've been mates ever since, haven't we Hovis.

A large part of Darryl's life has and still does revolve around motor cars, whether it at work or at play.
I mean how many people do you know who would advertise a car for sale in the paper on the night before their wedding! Well if you didn't know one before you certainly know one now.
Darryl had upon till the beginning of this year spent the best part of his working life, working for his dad Brain at the family business “Pipers of Wombourne”. A petrol forecourt, service centre and second hand car show room.

Now over the years many of Darryls friends, myself included have all had there cars serviced by Pipers. Indeed Darryl himself penned the now infamous Piper's slogan “ Why go out to town, when you can be done at Pipers “. Well why indeed, and done we usually were. Only joking Brian. That was probably one of Darryl's more memorable faux pas, but was it was in good company with other such diamonds as, “what do you want a new one” if anyone made a negative remark whilst looking at the second hand cars. And “I've been around motors since I was in nappy's” when ever a motor related questions was disputed.

Although to be fair you always knew your car was in safe hands when you dropped it off with Darryl. You just had to make sure he was wearing his suit and not his overalls.

During the time I've known Darryl we've spent a lot of time together and got ourselves involved several sticky situations. (Relax Darryl I'm not about to spill the beans about Amsterdam just yet). To tell you them all would take until tomorrow, so I have picked out several that I think will give you a flavour of what Darryl Piper is all about.

I couldn't decide which of these great stories to use, so who better than to decide the manor of the execution than his beautiful bride Rachel.

Rachel I've got four envelopes, each with a story within :-

1) Darryl the Ivan Lendel Years
2) Darryl sleep walks to the executive toilets!
3) Darryl Crime Buster
4) Darryl and the Indian Marathon – Some people run for charity, some run for fun, and some run out of necessity after 10 pints of lager and a chicken Vindaloo.

Oh good choice,
Darryl sleep walks to the executive toilets.

This goes back a good few years when Darryl had been on a Sales technique-training course. The course had been held in a very posh hotel where they'd all been looked after extremely well. He'd come back from the course very full of himself, gushing with enthusiasm and a head full of ideas of how to succeed as a sales executive.
That Friday night a few of us meet up in the pub, and a long with a few beers we spent the night (yawn) listening to Darryl recount key area's from his course. So when we said good night it was obviously still fresh in his mind, as his mom and dad were soon to find out. Some hours later the young executive woke and made his way into their bedroom, opened the wardrobe door and was about to relieve himself when fortunately his dad woke, and stopped him before his stress busting could cause any damage. When asked what he was doing he simply muttered “using the executive toilets.” Needless to say Darryl has not been sent on another course since.

Moving back to the coming together of the bride and groom, I can still recall when Darryl and Rachel met. Darryl and myself were enjoying a few quiet drinks one Wednesday night. And I can clearly remember Darryl with hushed voice and a certain coyness about him, confiding in me, and telling me he had meet the girl of his dreams, however that only lasted a couple of weeks, and it was just a short while after this that he met Rachel.

For those of you who don't know Darryl and Rachel meet on holiday on the Greek Island of Kos. Darryl had admired Rachel from a far for several days until their eyes eventually met one night across a smokey bar. Darryl was certainly using his charm and every trick in the book that night. What was it you did again Darryl fighter pilot or formula 1 driver I can never remember, whatever it had the desired affect and he won the affection of this lovely women you see before you today. I think you'll all agree with me that Rachel looks stunning, absolutely gorgeous. Darryl you just look stunned.

Darryl this is indeed the happiest day of your life, well that's at least what Rachel told me earlier! And so it should be, for you have married one of the most beautiful and intelligent ladies I know. Rachel's a lovely warm and caring person and I think we all agree she deserves a good husband.

Fortunate for you Darryl you got in and married her before she found one!

Darryl said to me this afternoon that he feels like the luckiest man in the world marrying Rachel, as if he'd won the lottery. Well Rachel your numbers are obviously still to come up so the lads and me have had a bit of a whip round and bought you these. If he gets in anything like the state he did on the stag do, you may well be glad of a couple of bonus balls tonight.

Now I wouldn't have performed my duty as best man to the best of my ability with out some mention of Darryl's stag weekend…

As I mentioned earlier the chosen venue for the Stag weekend was Amsterdam. A city that's reputation certainly precedes it.
I dare say you can imagine the type of drunken shenanigans that 17 lads let lose on a city like Amsterdam could find themselves involved in, but fear not I'm not about to retell a series of humiliating and degrading stories. On the contrary, we decided to kick back, relax and soak up the culture, with a few beers along the way.
Amsterdam is a beautiful, vibrant and diverse city, a city that is famous for many things, its canals, its bars, and shall we say its liberal attitudes.
For anyone thinking of visiting Amsterdam I can highly recommend it. We were told the only way appreciate it all was by boat, so that's exactly what we did. Prior to the journey a few of us were feeling peckish so we stopped off at one of the many coffee house's that are to be found in Amsterdam and bought some cakes that seemed to be a bit of a local speciality. Their effect was considerably more than we'd bargained for, not only did they subdue our appetites, but they certainly bought a whole new meaning to the phrase “taking a trip up the river”.
It was following on from the boat ride that we formed our opinion that the famous baker Mr Kippling must have also been born in Amsterdam, because like him they also do make exceedingly good cakes.

I really don't think I can say much more, not because I don't want to, but because of my throat. Rachel threatened to cut it, if I go on too long.

I would just like to take this opportunity to thank Darryl for asking me to be his best man. Its been a real honour and a privilege, he's been a top mate over the years and we've had some excellent times together, and I know we will continue to do so in the future.

So I would now like to invite you all to stand….… And raise your glasses, and join me in a couple of toasts.

Firstly to a few very special people who unfortunately could not be with us today. Rachel's grand father James and Darryl's uncle Don & uncle Joe. I'm sure they would have all been very proud today. To absent friends.

And now finally it gives me immense pleasure ( not to mention relief ) to introduce you to Darryl and Rachel, Mr and Mrs Piper. I know I will not be alone in wishing them a very long and happy marriage,

To Darryl and Rachel.

I've just got a couple of telegrams to read out:

To Darryl and Rachel,

Have a brilliant day, see you later tonight, can someone save me some cake please.

From Eddy Hopkins. ( I thought you'd have had enough of that the last time Eddy )

To Darryl

You had your chance and you've blown it.

From Candy in Amsterdam

To Rachel

We could have been so good together.

The Eagles