Speech by Greg Anastasi

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Greg Anastasi
Speech Date: Mar 2002
Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen. On behalf of the Bride and Groom I would like to thank everybody for coming – I'm sure you'll all agree that this is turning out to be a brilliant wedding celebration. Yet every silver lining does have its cloud…..and that cloud is that you will be subjected to my voice for the next few minutes.

I have tried to memorise this speech but please forgive me if I resort to my notes every 5 seconds. I did ask for an autocue to be set up in front of me but unfortunately my eyesight does not stretch that far. And neither does the wedding budget!

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Angelo for choosing me to be his best man. A more nerve-wracking experience I have never had to go through. And I can assure you, this is not the first time today I've got up off a warm seat with a piece of soft paper in my hand!

But I'm sure I'll get my revenge in the next couple of minutes.

When Angelo asked me to be his best man, “Great!” I thought to myself, “Lots of time to prepare and practice my speech”. Funny isn't it. The night before wedding I'm still up at midnight trying to write the damn thing. But nevertheless here I am and you'll all agree that my first duty of getting the groom to the church sober and on time, and eventually married, has been a complete success.

However I have not taken this responsibility lightly and have spent many an evening researching the ins and outs of bestmanship. The first thing I found out is what the ideal length of the speech should be. I was told, “no longer than it take's the groom to make love”.

Thank you very much and goodnight. [sit down & pause]

[Stand up]

Twice!

The second thing I discovered was the potentially delicate duty of keeping Angelo's ex-girlfriends at bay. Thankfully this has been made a lot easier since the foot and mouth outbreaks. Those kind men at the Ministry have quarantined them all!

A third responsibility is to share with all you wonderful people a few of Angelo's embarrassing stories. However, since they nearly all include me my lips are sealed.

This means that….…

I can't tell you about his nickname “Stumpy”, strictly on account of his height of course, and the looks of pity he'd get from women (and sometimes men!) when they found this out. Ang, I bet you didn't tell Helen about your nickname on your first date!

I also won't be able to tell you about the time we where on a lads’ holiday to Cyprus a few years back. A week into our holiday we were almost evicted from our apartments on the charge of holding drunken orgies in the middle of the night (it was in fact the apartment below us). Thanks to Angelo's tact and diplomacy it was proved to be a classic case of mistaken identity. Needless to say we spent the rest of the holiday looking for these orgies with no success…..leaving Stumpy really disappointed.

And I couldn't possibly talk about the early days when Ang first discovered women and would dazzle the girls of Barkingside with the immortal words “Hello, darling. D'you come here often?”. Thankfully his technique has since improved but he couldn't lead that playboy lifestyle forever. And on one starry night he met the woman of dreams. A few weeks later he met Helen.

But seriously, Helen you look radiant. How can we all thank you for taking Angelo off his mother's hands. You're one in a million. Angelo, on the other hand, looks like he was won in a raffle.

Helen, what can I tell you about Angelo that you don't already know? You have known him for long enough now to be familiar with all his bad habits. Drinking to excess, stopping out until all hours, coming home smelling of curry and that lovely dusty sweaty aroma he brings home from work.

But these are some of Angelo's finer points. He has always been a hard worker, always looked after himself well, know where he's going and will do anything to get there. He also has a wonderful, refreshing sense of loyalty. So much so that you know you can always rely on him. And he obviously has a great choice of friends and the eye for a beautiful woman.

And now for my final words of advice to the Bride and Groom. Helen: men are like fine wine – they start out like grapes and its your job to stamp on them until they mature into something that you'd like to have dinner with.

On the other hand, Angelo, women are also like a fine wine. They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating for the mind. And then turn full-bodied until they go sour and vinegary. Then they give you a headache.

Angelo what can I say. Today you are the groom getting married to a wonderful bride and I have been bestowed with the honour of being your best man. Today you truly are the best man and I hope your love be modern enough to survive the times and old-fashioned enough to last forever.

Before I go, ladies and gentlemen, would you please charge you glasses and join me in standing in a toast to the new Mr & Mrs Georgiou – Angelo and Helen!