Speech by Gregor Morrison

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Gregor Morrison
Speech Date: Oct 2001
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen

I must say that when Garry asked me to be his best man, I was honored; yet slightly worried. I've been living with my wife for over 8 years now, giving this speech is actually the first chance I've had to hear the sound of my own voice. This is my first experience in playing such a large role in a wedding and I appreciate Garry giving me the opportunity to make a fool of myself.

As you can probably see I am slightly nervous about giving this speech – This isn't the first time today I've gotten off a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.… In fact I'm probably as nervous as Garry was this morning – you left this in the bog mate.… [Hand Garry a brick]

For those of you who don't know me by the way, my name is Gregor or goog as everyone calls me. I am very friendly, house trained, rarely bite and will be found in the not too distant future, somewhere near the bar, so please don't hesitate to come up and introduce yourself, buying me a single malt as well obviously.

I would like to now take this opportunity to start with a few thank yous. Firstly to our bridesmaid Lesley and our flower girl Lindsey. Now I know what you're thinking, but you'd be wrong. It is apparently quite difficult to smile, look pretty, and hold flowers all at the same time, especially for over an hour, but I'm sure you'll agree they've performed such a role splendidly; both look beautiful and have done an amazing job here today. So I think a round of applause for the bridesmaid and flower girl is most definitely in order…
Also a wee mention to Daniel who has been a wee star. He actually came up to me earlier and said “Goog, why do brides always dress in white”, so I said, “Well son, the dishwasher has to match the washing machine and the fridge”.

I would also like to thank Garry and Steve for their kind words. I was glad to see that Garry had put slightly more thought into his speech than his first effort, which went something along the lines of, ‘Susan's a lucky tart isn't she’, but despite the nerves he came up trumps.

On that note, I would like to take a moment to say how wonderful Susan looks and what a lucky man Garry really is. They married today for better and for Worse. Garry couldn't have done better and Susan couldn't have done (look down at notes and stumble) better either.

Since I really had no idea what exactly a best man should do or be responsible for, I had to do a little research into it, and I came across a small checklist of what I was supposed to do…

1. Bring a chequebook or credit card for any payments that the groom may have forgotten. Which knowing Garry will be all of them. Garry was given one task at my wedding, and that was to keep the money to give the band at the end of the night. He left this money on top of my mum's piano at home, so imagine what could have happened tonight if I wasn't here.
2. Make sure Garry was not himself, basically punctual and sober. The latter took some doing, especially since he stayed at my house last night, and he was trying to do his usual, which is take over my fridge.
3. Help the groom dress. No thanks, but if he hasn't learnt after 31 years. (Pause)
4. Ensure the groom uses the toilet, (again no I refuse); have you smelt him?
5. Keep angry ex girlfriends at bay, well I thought I might have a problem with this one. But passing them all earlier sitting outside the local boozer with bottles of Champagne chanting “Freedom” by Robbie Williams kind of told me something.
6. Make a speech to the bride and groom. Well I thought this meant JUST the bride and groom, and I would get locked in a nice wee room with the both of them; maybe get a cup of tea or even a beer. So you can understand that I am little upset to be standing up here in front of you lot.
7. His job was to find a Best Man who was resourceful, energetic, and diplomatic. One who will not offend or create problems. As you can see, Garry's obviously an appalling judge of character. Which brings me nicely to the point where I can demolish his:

Garry did mention a few topics, which he said "SHOULD DEFINATELY NOT" be brought up. However, he forget to mention whether or not I could speak about the one legged stripper with a glass eye which we ‘came across’ on his Stag weekend in Amsterdam. Or being caught in the act in a Hotel car park in Newcastle in my car, with a bird that was a ringer for yosser Hughes, beard and all.
On second thoughts, maybe it would be better if you discussed this with him on an individual basis afterwards.

I've known Garry for 16 years now, but when it came to sitting down and creating this speech it was quite challenging for me to come up with some good substance, so I thought of getting some visual help by asking Derek if he had any cute pictures of Garry when he was young. I got a puzzled look and a confused reply…”no”.

Garry was born in 1970. A year, which saw the death of Jimmy Hendrix, Paul McCartney left the Beatles,
Rolf Harris was at number 1 with “2 little boys” the day Garry was born, and M.A.S.H the film was screened to the public for the first time…quite appropriate for your wedding really, mash standing for “Millar and Susan Hitched”. But on a far more important note, I was born.

A fine looking young fellow would soon emerge, as you can all see from this photo. I cannot tell you much about his early years as a child, I couldn't repeat what Derek told me, but I have been reassured from others that he was everybody's favorite wee boy, who was an example to all children his age. Thanks Garry, (TEN POUND NOTE). Here is a school photo of him.

I meet Garry in English class in 3rd year. We hit it off pretty much straight away I think, we both had the same things in common…we enjoyed playing arcade games, we both had a ZX Spectrum, but most of all we both enjoyed watching XXXX XXXX boobs bouncing about in PE.

After meeting the family, it began to dawn on me after a wee while that Zoë, the family dog appeared to be the one who was determining your fate within the family and friends circle. What she did was pee on certain people that came to the front door. The more pee, the more she seemed to like you, and the closer she saw you to being part of the gang. I always remember getting a good jet wash every time that front door was opened, and as I floated off down Edzell Park, I started to feel as though Garry had a new friend.
You'll remember that as well George.

Garry was a good student with good grades in his early years of High School, but when I beat his mark in the higher math's prelim by 1% getting 29%, it proved how you could drag someone down to your level.

The early years were spent in Johnny's Entertainment's, where after getting on the 10 bus religiously every Saturday morning, we would all spend the entire day shoveling money into the golden shot, super 80’s, bank shot and various other puggy's. Garry would also try and compete with the Johnny's champion at Track and Field, me, but was no challenge to the master. I reckon we clocked up a few hundred miles over these few years, walking up the road at the end of the day as we spent all our cash and couldn't afford the bus home.

Garry also thought of himself as the next John McCririck, nothing to do with his stupid haircut or dodgy patter, but fancied himself as a bookie. These delusions of grander came crashing down at 5pm every Saturday evening, when he walked out of Ladbrokes, skint and depressed shouting.” I'll never be back, that's it, and I'm stopping gambling.” Aye Right.

We all hit 18 and the gambling took a back seat, that took up valuable drinking time. Panther's Heavy Metal Pub was one of the venues for the next few years. Many a night was spent there, getting blootered along side Jug and Robbie, both of whom are here today. Garry never really got into the thrash metal scene, his music taste at that time came from his arse, tending to opt for the likes of Jason Donovan, big fun and Tpau.
He did try to write songs for my band; unfortunately ‘Poof the magic drag queen’ and ‘I'm a tree’ weren't quite what the band was looking for. It was during these days Garry got a job there pulling pints; his dress sense hasn't really changed over the years as you can see with this picture of him behind the bar.

Garry was also a man who liked to show off to the camera after a good drink. Here is another photo of him after a hard night on the piss when we went to visit Alan D in Warrington. There were a few photos a LOT worse than that, especially the one with me and the toothbrush. I remember Billy Connolly telling a story about an old drunken man on a bus who insisted that he took a sweetie from him. As soon as the sweetie was in his mouth, the old timer roared “That's been up mah bum!!!”. Well…..It wasn't my toothbrush.

He then moved away from home much to the delight of his dad, as college was the next port of call. For the next 4 years he lived with the likes of Spuggy, Geoff, Pete and Kev, doing the things a student does.
Miss lectures, keep a shit hole of a flat where the carpets soon vanishes below a mountain of chinky cartons, fag ash and beer cans, acquire a huge overdraft, play pool every night, accumulate an absolutely awesome collection of men's literature that would keep even…his younger brother quite happy for the next 20 years or so, (well maybe not). Get pissed every night, then inviting the occupants of Battersy dog home back to the flat at the end of the night, keeping in mind actually introducing them as girlfriends after a week or so. And at the end of the day, somehow manage to scrape through with a degree in the end.

He got a job working in Edinburgh after that; during this time he met our fair princess Susan. Before he met her he was living the life of Riley, but of course all of this changed as soon as he met Susan. His bachelor life style could be summed up in one word, over.

They spent the first few months of their relationship spending almost every moment together. Susan used every minute of this time, to decide whether she could do any better. But of course she couldn't because Garry's the man. In fact he could have had almost anyone he pleased. Unfortunately he just didn't please anyone.

Garry then got a job working in the the big city of Chester, and when I heard that Susan was moving down with him, I knew that they would eventually tie the knot. He now has a splendid life down there with some cracking friends, especially the ones that frequent the Cross-Foxes Pub, who are all here today. Garry now plays pool in the local league, well batters the balls around the table in hope that some of them will go in, that's what Neil and Steve tells me anyway. I have visited a couple of times and the hospitality is awesome, some of Garry's pool shots are as well I must admit, but I have grannied him 3 times in my short life so far, enough said I think.

I remember talking to Susan when we were first introduced. She told me that the first time she laid eyes on Garry she thought he was handsome from afar, but earlier she told me that now she thinks he is far from handsome. One of Susan's first observations about Garry was how trim and athletic he looked, as I'm sure you'll agree he still does. (Look around at Garry and laugh). Garry's idea of exercise these days is possibly a brisk walk to the toilet between pints, moving the pool cue back and forwards a few times, or if he's really overdoing it, walk the 100 or so yards down the road from the pub to get a chicken burger.

It's time for me to sit down and shut up now. But please reflect on 2 very important people here today whom we all have the up most respect for. Today would not be possible without them. At some stage of the evening we will all be with them, sharing with them this special day, so could you all please join me in a toast to them…The Bar Staff!!!

Seriously though on a more sincere note I would just like to take this opportunity to say, and I'm sure you will all agree with me that Garry and Susan make a very lovely couple. I wish you all the best in this new chapter of your lives, so ladies and gentlemen will you please raise your glasses and join me in a toast, to the new Mr. and Mrs. Millar. May your wedding days be few and your anniversaries many.