Speech by H

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: H
Speech Date: oct 2004
Hello, for those that don't know me I am H, and I will be your bestman for the day.

I really thought that following a speech by <groom> would be difficult, and I was right, I couldn't follow a bloody word.

Can you hear me at the back – good could you get me a stella……

When **** told me he was going to get married and I was going to be bestman I was terrified, but that was 8 years ago, so I have had plenty of time to prepare – none the less I was still nervous this morning.

Although **** was pretty scared this morning – he makes out he wasn't but when I went into the bathroom after him this morning I found these in the toilet. (Show Bricks)

So, to the best man bit. I have never had the pleasure of doing one before, so I went down to WHS smiths and bought a book – so bare with me…

Pages one to four detail the preparations, it did say that I was supposed to organise the stag night (well we wont go there), which I did – we were all going to London, but **** veto'd it and instead we camped out in <Brides Mums> back garden but I've got to admit we all had a great time, 20 very drunk campers out in <place name> and <place name> – it's a good job we had <brides brother> there to keep us on the straight and narrow. – we took loads of pictures taken, of which I had to censor before today, so unfortunatly I don't have any to show you all.…

I also had the responsibility of getting him to the service on time and making sure he was well dressed – pity he had to copy my outfit – so what do you reckon, not bad. Although I think the hip and thigh diet worked better on him than me!

Page 5 said that I have to thank Andrew on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words. And gifts.. So thanks.. …

Then I got to page 6. Which says and I quote

Maintaining a clear head during the wedding celebrations is vital for the bestman. You should remain sober at all times… So, <take drink> I had to make it up from there….…

I've known Mr **** for about 14 years now, and I remember the first time we met, double geography on a Friday afternoon I think, so we were off down town – on the way down I noticed that he had a witty remark for every occasion, unfortunately by the time we walked back I realised it was always the same one.

We have had lots of good times together, and I have many many stories I could share with you, but I wont, especially not ones about, broken ankles, blood on the sheets, my mums knitted jumper, leaving the gas on, talking to a pair of shoes all night, blowing up postboxes, syncronised pooing, car accidents, stds, dancing naked, swansea trips, that smooth wall round the back of RJs.. the list goes on. However I will try to find something to share with you.

We have shard many things in life, tea bags, sense of humour, student houses, girlfriends – in fact I remember one of them. **** had been seeing her of a couple of weeks, and wasn't quite as dedicated to her as he should have been, well I happened to be in the area so I thought I'd pop in for some coffee if you know what I mean

As we were getting comfy on the sofa the phone rang. She went to answer it she came back and said.

it was ****.

Oh, I guess I'd better leave then I told her

But she told me it was fine – we had plenty of time , and that he wouldn't be back until later

Whys that, where is he I said

She said He told me he was out on the piss with you……..…

But then 11 years ago he met the woman of his dreams – but she left him after 5 hours, 2 weeks after her however..…

It was a Saturday, we were outside the barking shark in **** when he met **** and he was smitten – I remember him asking my advice, but all I could remember about **** was she used to pick on me when I was younger, so I said to him look ****, it 5 to eleven, you can either try your luck with her, or run the gauntlet in <dodgy disco>.

So he mumbled something about being able to get a free taxi, and buggered off..

Actually it would seem that I was there for many of their milestones, I remember the first time they got it together (if you get my drift) way back when in my mothers house.

If I remember correctly it was all over a game of connect 4. But details are hazy..…

Anyhow, in the morning I knocked on the bedroom door and asked if anyone would like some breakfast, **** shouted back eggs, bacon, sausages, beans, black pudding, fried bread toast and a mug of tea for him, a lettuce leaf and a carrot for ****. So I though, hang on here full brekkie for him, lettuce and carrot for ****. So I shouted back are you sure **** only wants that, why?

And he shouted, Im doing an experiment, I want to see if she eats like a rabbit as well.…

****,

You have found yourself a beautiful, kind, considerate wonderful woman in <Bride>.

And <Bride>,

<pause> Well at least you've got some new mates. But I must admit **** is defiantly loyal – after all he is a Man City supporter. A team that has done nothing but dissapoint him and betray his hopes for the past 20 years. So if that is anything to go by, you don't have to make any effort for the next 20 years, you can give him 20 years of misery, break all your wedding vows and generally walk all over him and he will still think things will turn round come August. Actually Man City are in the Premership again now, and I for one reckon they will be there for 3 seasons this time, Autumn, Winter and Spring…..…

But saying that, knowing **** as well as I do, I can guarantee <bride> that over the coming years **** will provide you with absolutely nothing.…

<pause, turn over the crib sheet>

……but love, happiness and above all, DIY skills second to none!!

I was going to give **** some advice for tonight when they declare their love for each other as man and wife – but as he reminded me earlier it wont be the first time he's slept with a married woman…

Right, all that's left is for me to declare a toast to two people who have been more than friends to me over the years, it gives me a huge amount of pride, with an enormous of pleasure to ask you all to rise in a toast…

To the happy couple, Mr and Mrs ****.

Ok, if you have all enjoyed this speech half as much as I enjoyed writing it, then I am truly sorry,

Thanks….…