Speech by Huw Bucknell

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Huw Bucknell
Speech Date: Jul2005
My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen; boys and girls; grannies and granddads; friends, Romans, countrymen; lend me your ears, for I come to bury Andy, not to praise him. This is the bit you've all been dreading, but you've ploughed your way through the free champagne and cigars, so frankly I've no sympathy for you at all if you have to endure five minutes of my deranged rambling. It's only fair.

But let me start with an admission. When I planned my speech, I wrote down all my notes on little cards so I'd remember what to say, and… well, I dropped them on the floor when I was halfway through the trifle, and I'm not 100% sure they're in the right order. So… bear with me if things appear to be slightly out of sequence. [Takes next card…] And on that note, let me thank you once again for your kind applause, and the 10 minute standing ovation. There was really no need for the bridesmaids to have thrown their underwear at me, though. Oooops. Sorry. Wrong card. Speaking of the bridesmaids, though, don't they look lovely? With or without their underwear. So I imagine. Ahem.

Anyway… for those of you who don't know me, my name's Jim, and I'm Andy's best man. I'm not totally sure I like the sound of that, actually… it sort of implies that Andy's got lots of men, and that I'm his favourite. Mmmmm. If it wasn't for the fact that he's so obviously in love with Julie, I think I'd be worried. And very, very flattered, obviously. [To Andy] You little tease. So, yes, right, my job today is to tell you something about Andy… that won't lead to Andy getting an early divorce from the lovely Julie, or me getting a sound kicking from her seven rugby-playing brothers. So there's absolutely no way I could tell you about the time we went on school camp, and Andy wore one pair of underpants for a whole fortnight. I wouldn't have minded, but they were my pants. And there's absolutely no way he'd let me tell you about the holiday he took in Turkey, where he was caught trying to smuggle fifteen litres of vodka through customs, and ended up getting very well acquainted with one of the customs officers. They don't call him ‘handy’ Andy for nothing, you know.

So what I can I tell you about..? It's traditional, of course, to dish the dirt on the groom's past girlfriends during the best man's speech… but I'm not going to do that. For a start, I think it's wrong – cheap, and tawdry. Secondly, how would it make sweet, innocent Julie feel, having the reputation of the man she loves dragged through the filth of his former sordid little conquests..? Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, Andy never actually had a girlfriend before Julie, so there's really very little dirt to dish. Not that didn't try to meet girls, of course – there were years and years of throwing money away on vegetarian cookery classes, yoga lessons and hanging round the pre-packed salad counter at Marks & Spencer. He even tried to meet his ideal woman on the internet. Who can forget his happy little face as he told us all about the lovely ‘Lesley’, who he'd spent 4 hours schmoozing the previous evening in an internet chatroom. He was heartbroken when ‘Lesley’ turned out to be an 18 stone lorry driver from Accrington… but it's delightful that he could find the time in his busy lorry-driving schedule to be with us tonight. Leslie, ladies and gentlemen..!

So who is the real Andy..? What separates the man from the myth..? Some say Andy's always been a bit of a ladies’ man. The question is – which bit..? Some say Andy is God's gift to women. Let's just hope God kept the receipt. Solider of fortune; connoisseur of fine wines; President of the Pan-Lithuanian People's Revolutionary Party; Andy is none of these things. In fact, I doubt he can even spell them. But one word I know he can spell is ‘love’. And another word he can spell is ‘Julie’. And another he can spell is ‘carrot’. Let's just hope he never decides to jack in being a plasterer and decides to become a poet, otherwise we're all stuffed. So let's hear it for Andy – let's give him a big hand – not the same sort of ‘hand’ those Turkish customs officers gave him, of course – and raise a glass to the happy couple, Andy and Julie, married at lunchtime and still going strong four – yes, four – hours later. I love you both. Andy and Julie..! Julie and Andy..! ‘Jandy’, for short – the happy couple..!