Speech by Iain Galbraith

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Iain Galbraith
Speech Date: oct 2002
Good Afternoon, Ladies & Gentlemen; for those of you who don't know me, I'm Gibby, and I'm lucky enough to be George's Best Man.
On behalf of the Bride and Groom I would like to thank everybody for coming especially those who have travelled such long distances, I know it means a lot to the them both.
And on behalf of the Bridesmaids, Megan and Pauline, I'd like to thank George for his kind words.
I have to agree; the Bridesmaids look wonderful and have done an excellent job assisting Audrey, let's give them a round of applause.
Audrey, you look stunning. George you just look stunned.
When George told me he wanted to see Audrey in something long and flowing, I thought he was talking about the River Clyde out there.
Now the purpose of the best man's speech serves to give those present at the wedding an introduction to the Groom.
It's just that all the best man speeches I've heard, without exception, blatantly and disgracefully set out to demolish the character of the groom – and frankly I can see no reason why this speech should be any different.
It's all the more fun, as well, because Audrey's married him now and it's too late!
I was informed that George's speech today would be a real hard one to follow… too true it was, I never made out a word of it.
While I was trying to write this speech, I was looking in one of those wee books you get about being a best man, and it had a little checklist of things to do.
Apparently, I have to:

Help the groom dress – what's so different about today?
Make sure the groom uses the toilet – I went in to the toilet behind him this morning, but I couldn't bring myself to peek over the top of the next door cubicle. And just to assure all of you, this is not the first time today I've got up off a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand
Ensure the groom's face and hair are in order – Well, God didn't do it right the first time around, so I've got no chance.

As the Best Man, I must ensure that the groom arrives on time, is sober and looks smart – well 2 out of 3 isn't bad.
After all look what I have had to work with, I'm the best man – not a magician.
By the way Ladies & Gentlemen, George is quite a magician himself – the amount of times I've walked down the road with him when all of a sudden he's turned into a pub!
Seriously though, one of the duties of the best man is to sing the groom's praises and tell everyone about George's good points. The problem is, one, I can't sing and, two, I can't lie.
I was going to get some cute & cuddly early photos of George to show you today, so I asked around for any good ones.
I'm told that there is a cracking photo of him dribbling a bar of chocolate down his chin, lying naked on a sheepskin rug, in front of the fire – the problem is it was only taken 3 weeks ago.
I didn't know too much about George's school years, so I've had to rely on his own version of events regarding this period in his life.
Apparently, he says, he was an ideal student at school, who excelled in everything he did.
Sorry, I mis-read that bit, he was an idle student who was expelled in everything he did.
His PE teacher said that George was useless in every position he tried … I hope you have better luck tonight Audrey.
No, to be fair to George, he has been studying exceptionally hard over these past few years, and has now enrolled for a BSc.
That Bronze Swimming Certificate is really hard to get.
There is a bit of a mystery about when they first went out – even George and Audrey can't tell us too much about this.
Apparently it was in some pub in Glasgow, and then onto some club, the details of which are lost forever in the mists of time, or is that a haze of alcohol?
Now there are countless stories regarding George and his lifestyle, but most of them are not suitable for a family gathering, or for anyone of a nervous disposition,
such as his liking for barbecues … indoor ones,
… or his habit of trying to kick taxi's and wondering why they don't give him a lift home,
… or his legendary dancing skills that left Audrey speechless … she didn't talk to him for a week
… or George's carpet shampoo that he devised one night – a bowl of vegetable broth and a can of Budweiser, mixed in equal proportions and liberally scattered over my living room carpet.
I recall when George was extremely fit and very sporty, then I noticed his waistline had gradually expanded, and he was partaking in fewer and fewer sporting occasions. This was, I then realised, the moment he had fell in love with …
… Stella
… Artois.
I also remember when the four of us went up to Aberdeen for the weekend … so do the Grampian Police, but that's yet another story.
George, as you may or may not know, is a renowned singer, and is known to start a wee song whenever the mood takes him.
Now maybe it's just me, but I think that going up Union St at half past five on a Saturday evening serenading the fellow bus passengers with ditties about the sexual preferences of Aberdonians is a little risky.
Not our George – he carried that one off with remarkable dignity.
It was around this time George asked Audrey to marry him. He popped the question after a romantic walk to the end of a pier in Arbroath.
Betty, being a good friend managed to catch Audrey just before she jumped off the end of the pier, and Betty's still trying to live with the guilt.
So, after all the organisation and planning, they are both here today.
I don't think Audrey's going to be making a speech, is that right? No, of course not, she can't stand up because George has tied her to the chair.
It is amazing how history has a habit of repeating itself. To think that 35 years ago, Eddie and Iris were sending Audrey to bed with a dummy for the night …
While I'm on the subject of history, here's some interesting little facts.
Four years ago today Hurricane George wrecked Barbados – tonight we don't want to see a wind-filled George wrecked at the bar beside us.
Do you know that on the day Audrey was born, one of the songs in the top ten was “Georgie Girl” by the Seekers.
On the day George was born, the No. 1 song was “Your Driving Me Crazy”. Read what you like into that one.
Megan, who's a special little god-daughter to me, her birthday hit was the Spice Girl's 2 become 1 – more in keeping with this occasion, don't you think.
I'd just like to say that George is a very lucky man, to be marrying Audrey today.
She deserves a good husband, and George, you should thank God that you got her before she found one.
On a more serious note; George, and Audrey, we have had some excellent times together and I know that we will continue to do so in the future.
You are both great friend's, and it is a true honour to be your best man.
I know George that there is nothing you won't do for me, and also nothing that I won't do for you. In fact we spend our lives doing nothing for each other.
Ladies and Gentlemen a few wise words for George and Audrey.
You don't marry someone you can live with, you marry the person you can not live without.
On that note I think it's time to thank a few very important people, the bride's parents, Iris and Eddie, and to the groom's parents Annie, and George, who unfortunately is not with us today.
Without them, this day would not have been possible.
I think a round of applause is in order
Well now George and Audrey have decided to marry for better or worse – which is quite ironic when you come to think of it ‘cause George couldn't have done any better and Audrey couldn't have done any worse.
George I'd just like to say that in Audrey you have found someone- attractive- great fun to be with – sincere – and hard working and Audrey, you have found in George someone who is really good at … sheet metal work.
Audrey, George has told me that he wants to spend the rest of his days with you, and when he leaves this world, he is going to have his ashes scattered in Braehead Shopping Centre. It's not because he's so proud to have helped build the place, it's just so that he knows you will visit him at least three times a week.
I will try to bring this rambling to a close now due to my throat – if I say too much more Audrey's going to slit it.
It's now time to read out the messages from wellwishers:
There's one here from a major celebrity – To George – ‘We could have been so good together’ – from Dale Winton
From his hairdresser to George – ‘Hope you let your hair down today as it's been letting you down for years’
And finally it gives me immense pleasure to ask you to join me in a toast to the bride and groom.
We wish them, and Megan, well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and prosperous life together.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please be upstanding
The toast is “The Bride & Groom.”
Ladies and gentlemen, I have been working on this speech for around 6 months, and my apologies to you if you feel as though I have been delivering it for just as long.
I also apologise if you have enjoyed listening to this speech as much as I enjoyed delivering it.
I'm going to shut up now so we can all enjoy our meal and have a right good night, Cheers