Speech by Iain Lewis

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Iain Lewis
Speech Date: Sep2005
GOOD AFTERNOON LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M SURE YOU WILL ALL AGREE THAT THE LOVELY SERVICE THIS AFTERNOON WAS QUITE A MOVING EXPERIENCE……SO MUCH SO THAT EVEN THE WEDDING CAKE WAS IN TIERS!!THEY GET WORSE BELIEVE ME. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW ME, MY NAME IS IAIN AND I AM CARLS BEST
MATE.

MAY I FIRST OF ALL, ON BEHALF OF THE BRIDESMAIDS AND USHERS, THANK KIRSTIE AND CARL FOR THEIR KIND GIFTS AND COMPLIMENTS AND AGAIN TO CARL FOR HIS KIND WORDS. I'M SURE YOU WILL ALL AGREE THAT THE BRIDESMAIDS LOOK ABSOLUTELY STUNNING TODAY, ESPECIALLY LITTLE AMY WHO LOOKS LIKE A PRINCESS, SO WE PLEASE HAVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR THE BRIDESMAIDS.CLAP, CLAP.

AT THIS POINT I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY OF THANKING KEN DODD FOR ALLOWING ME TIME AWAY FROM HIS KNOTTY ASH TOUR THIS AFTERNOON, UNFORTUNATELY I HAVE TO APOLOGISE BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO CHANGE OUT OF MY DIDDY MAN COSTUME BEFORE TODAYS CEREMONY SO I HOPE YOU WILL EXCUSE ME?

NOW THEN, DOWN TO BUISNESS. LOOK STERNLY AT CARL. CAN I TELL YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THAT CARL HAS BEEN MORE NERVOUS ABOUT THE CONTENTS OF MY SPEECH, THAN THE WEDDING CEREMONY ITSELF! AND WHO CAN BLAME HIM REALLY, BECAUSE ONLY A FOOL WOULD ASK ME TO DELIVER SUCH A SPEECH!!
HOWEVER, I DIDN'T TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF BEING THE BEST MAN LIGHTLY AND I SPENT A CONSIDERABLE LENGTH OF TIME RESEARCHING THE ROLE AND DISCOVERED THE FOLLOWING:

NUMBER 1. THE BEST MAN SHOULD HELP THE GROOM DRESS. WELL I'M SORRY, BUT I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT HE WAS ABLE TO DO THAT FOR HIMSELF BY NOW. HAVE YOU EVER SMELT CARLS SOCKS??

NUMBER 2. ENSURE THE GROOM USES THE TOILET BEFORE THE SERVICE. NOW I KNOW I'M HIS BEST FRIEND AND ALL BUT I CERTAINLY WASN'T GOING TO HELP HIM IN THAT DEPARTMENT.

NUMBER 3. MAKE SURE HIS SHOES ARE TIED, HIS HAIR COMBED, FACE WASHED AND TEETH BRUSHED. IT WAS AT THIS POINT I THOUGHT THAT PERHAPS HIS MOTHER SHOULD HAVE BEEN HIS BEST MAN!!

AND FINALLY NUMBER 4. MAKE SURE THE GROOM GETS A GOOD NIGHTS SLEEP BEFORE THE WEDDING DAY. WELL, I CAN TELL YOU THAT LAST NIGHT CARL SLEPTLIKE A BABY….HE WOKE UP EVERY HALF HOUR CRYING FOR HIS MUMMY!!

AND NOW I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO SAY JUST A FEW WARMING WORDS ABOUT MY DEAR FRIEND AND TODAYS PROTAGONIST MR. CARL ALEXANDRE HEYES.
I BECAME FRIENDS WITH CARL ABOUT 18 LONG AND ARDUOUS YEARS AGO WHEN WE WERE TO PLAY A COUPLE OF STREET URCHINS IN A STAGE PRODUCTION OF ‘ANNIE’. AT THIS POINT CARL WAS ABOUT 3 FT 6 AND I WAS ABOUT 4 FT 2. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I USED TO ENJOY SLAPPING THE TOP OF HIS HEAD DURING REHEARSALS.

UNFORTUNATELY, CARL ENDED UP GROWING AN EXTRA 2 AND A HALF FEET OVER THE FOLLOWING YEARS AND I THINK I MANAGED ONLY A COUPLE OF INCHES…NOW CARL TAKES GREAT PLEASURE IN SLAPPING MY HEAD AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY. FROM THERE ON WE BECAME REALLY GOOD FRIENDS, ESPECIALLY IN LATER YEARS WHEN I RETURNED FROM 3 YEARS AT UNIVERSITY WITH A DRAMA DEGREE AND CARL WAS A TROLLEY PUSHER FOR TESCO!!

DURING THIS PERIOD, CARL AND I DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER, WELL NOT QUITE EVERYTHING BUT MOST THINGS ANYWAY. WE SPENT MOST NIGHTS IN THE PUB AND ON OCCASION STAYED IN AT CARLS HOUSE PLAYING COMPUTER GAMES. NOW THE PROBLEM WITH STAYING AT CARLS HOUSE WAS THAT HE DIDN'T WANT HIS MUM TO KNOW HOW MUCH OF AN ALCOHOLIC AND HEAVY SMOKER HE HAD BECOME.…

AND SO EVERYTIME I CALLED ROUND HE PRETENDED THAT ALL THE ALCOHOL AND CIGARRETTES WERE MINE!! WHAT THIS MEANT FOR ME WAS THAT CARLS ENTIRE FAMILY THOUGHT THAT HIS BEST FRIEND IAIN WAS DRINKING TWO BOTTLES OF WINE, A TWELVE PACK AND SMOKING 40 FAGS A DAY!! BUT WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR??

DURING THIS TIME, CARLS MUM HAD MANAGED TO GET HIM A PART TIME ADMIN JOB AT THE DOCTORS SURGURY. HOWEVER, CARL DIDN'T LIKE HIS JOB TITLE AND DECIDED TO CALL HIMSELF AN I.T MANAGER WHICH I'M SURE YOU'LL ALL AGREE SOUNDS LIKE MUCH MORE OF A RESPECTABLE PROFESSION!!

OVER THE NEXT FEW YEARS CARL AND I CONTINUED WITH OUR ‘MEN BEHAVING BADLY’ LIFESTYLE UNTIL ONE DAY, WHILST WE WERE WORKING AT THE LOCAL THEATRE, WELL I SAY WORKING, WE WERE ACTUALLY IN THE BAR AT THE TIME, GOD DECIDED TO HAND CARL A SAVING LIFELINE IN THE SHAPE OF A PRETTY YOUNG GIRL NAMED KIRSTY MERYL AUSTIN!! THIS DEVINE MEETING WAS TO CHANGE HIS LIFE FOR EVER!

THEY HIT IT OFF IMMEDIATELY AND OVER THE NEXT FEW MONTHS THEIR RELATIONSHIP BEGAN TO BLOSSOM. THERE WERE OF COURSE CHANGES AFOOT. CARL HAD TO GIVE UP SMOKING. NOW IN HIS FAVOUR I MUST SAY THAT HE HAS TRIED ON NUMEROUS OCCASIONS, BUT CAN I TELL YOU CARL THAT I KNOW WHY YOU HAVE ALWAYS FAILED. I DISCOVERED DURING MY RESEARCH THAT YOU WERE BORN ON THE VERY SAME DAY THAT DISPOSABLE LIGHTERS WERE INVENTED. IT MUST BE SOME SORT OF BROTHERLY THING THAT YOU HAVE GONE HAND IN HAND EVER SINCE!!!

CARL, WE HAVE HAD SOME EXCELLENT TIMES TOGETHER AND I KNOW THAT WE WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO IN THE FUTURE. YOU HAVE BEEN A REALLY GOOD FRIEND TO ME AND IT IS GENUINELY A GREAT HONOUR TO BE YOUR BEST MAN.
AND KIRSTY. KNOWING CARL AS I DO, I CAN GUARANTEE THAT OVER THE COMING YEARS HE WILL PROVIDE YOU WITHABSOLUTELY NOTHING…..LONG PAUSE BEFORE TURNING TO NEXT CARD

OH, SORRY! NOTHING BUT LOVE, HAPPINESS AND KINDNESS!! AND I AM SURE THAT YOU WILL MAKE A WONDERFUL COUPLE!!

FINALLY, ON BEHALF OF THE BRIDE AND GROOM I WOULD LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE FOR SHARING THEIR DAY, PARTICULARLY THOSE WHO HAVE TRAVELLED LONG DISTANCES TO BE HERE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE TO INVITE YOU ALL TO STAND AND RAISE YOUR GLASSES IN A TOAST TO CARL AND KIRSTY, THE NEW MR AND MRS HEYES.

WE WISH THEM WELL FOR THE FUTURE, AND HOPE THEY ENJOY A LONG, HAPPY AND FRUITFUL MARRIAGE.

CARL AND KIRSTY!!